Hello and welcome to Good God with God.
I'm God and today's episode is brought to you by...
Europa. Europa it's one of the moons of Jupiter. It's covered in ice.
So, hopefully you guys will check it out soon - wink, wink.
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OK, so today we have a very special guest. You know, she was burned at the stake,
because she was a fan of me, and you know, it's pretty lame, but she's pretty cool.
I'm talking about Joan of Arc. Hello. How are ya?
[accent] Ah, bonjour. God, so good to be here.
So good to have you Joan. You know, I know it's been a long time,
and you know, I know you and I have spoken personally about this stuff,
but I just want to say for everyone out here, that you know, hey,
thanks for taking the big one, and you know, dying...
Oh, oui, oui. It was my pleasure.
It hurts a lot to be burned at the stake at 19, with probably,
the best years of my life ahead of me.
Ever since I cannot even eat the s'mores here in heaven,
because it's too many bad memories.
Oh sure, well I mean, you know, that's because--
- [Joan] ...Burning. - [overlapping talking]
[Joan] That reminds me of like, my head, and what it looked like.
- Yeah. Ah man, yeah, that's a... - ...As the flesh dripped off of it into the fire.
It smelled terrible, like the opposite of bacon, but...
- Gosh. - I did die a virgin,
so I just would have liked to know what it would have been like to have sex on the earth.
I mean, that's totally fair. I also had not had sex on earth.
- I would like to, but... - I guess, that is kind of the both of us.
You know, I feel bad that you didn't have sex on earth,
but you know you can have sex here up in heaven.
You can have all the sex you want, you know, there's a lot of...
Yes, yes. Maybe I will. Maybe, is Daniel Day-Lewis dead?
He's not dead would you have-- You would have sex with Daniel Day-Lewis?
- I think so, yeah. Oui, oui. - Nice.
It's like, I could see you guys being a good fit...
- Could you do anything about that? - I'm not...
No, no, no. I'm going to let Daniel Day-Lewis live as long as he's gonna live.
Look, I wish I could make it up to you for having
you burnt at the stake by bringing Danny up here, but...
I just just feel like would anyone miss him.
Yes, he's a great actor, but maybe his best roles are behind him,
and it's not like I'm asking for Ryan Gosling.
I'm asking for someone that not that many people find attractive so I just think...
That doesn't mean I could kill him just, because they're less attractive,
and lower on people's hot list.
What about someone who's up here in heaven already?
So many hot people have already died.
James Dean. What about James Dean, huh? He's around.
That's too much... too much a pretty boy for me and I am...
- Too much a pretty boy? - I asked Gregory Peck if he would,
but he's to in love with his wife, and I say but this is heaven,
- you can do whatever you want... - Yeah exactly.
You know, up here, everyone is pretty cool with everything, you know...
Well, not Gregory Peck, and he's in Catholic heaven as well because he was a Catholic.
It's just regular heaven...
That is you still have to kind of stick with your type up here.
- You definitely don't. You know, you can-- - Yes. Yes.
You can mix and match with whomever you want.
- You know, it's fine you know. - Well, maybe I'll take a lap around and see...
- J-Just go and see what's going on. - Mary, Queen of Scots has,
kind of, propositioned me a few times, so.
- There you go. - She kind of has that mean girl thing going on.
I'm into that kind of thing too. I like it when, you know,
firm people are firm towards me.
I always feel like I see you talking to Eisenhower.
- Strong personality... - Are you sexually attracted to him?
Sure, a little bit, yeah. I'll say it, for sure.
He's a nice guy, but I'm, you know, head over heels for Mary,
so that's the dilemma I got, because she's with Joe,
and Joe's such a cool dude, and I love Joe, so I'm stuck at square one.
Mary Tudor asked for a threesome with me, her and Pope John Paul the second,
and I just thought, no I cannot, because they are both kind of ugly.
And also, I got to say, Popes, on the whole, are pretty bad at it, because...
Do the adults know, kind of the experience--
- Exactly. They're weird about it. - If you think Pope's so bad,
[giggling] St. Francis says that he is only into animals, so...
Well, that's all the time we have. I'd like to say thank you to Joan of Arc.
- Joan, thanks for being here-- - OK, what about Michael Shannon?
I cannot kill Michael Shannon, Joan. I would love for you to have sex with somebody...
- Steve Buscemi. - This has been Good God.
Steve Buscemi?
Today's episode is brought to you by Europa. Europa.
It's the icy moon of Jupiter. What's underneath? Is it warm water? Who knows?
I do. Ha-ha. Wink, wink.
Europa. I made it. I love it. Check it out.
This has been Good God. God out!