- I hate Halloween.
You know my favorite day is the day after Halloween
because that's when you see all the
sexy girls in their costumes
doing the walk of shame back home.
I love it because the sexy kitten isn't sexy anymore.
You know, she's got a broken ear.
The sexy bunny is missing a tail.
They look like the abused pet commercials
from the Sarah McLaughlin, you know.
(comedian sings)
(audience laughing)
This sexy cat lost it's tail banging a pirate, you know.
(audience laughing)
(spooky music)
- Halloween's my favorite holiday.
I've never had a good Halloween.
I've been punched in the face six times in my life.
Five of them have been on Halloween.
(audience laughing)
It's because I like to incorrectly guess people's costumes
and people hate that.
(audience laughing)
They hate it so much.
Like last Halloween, I was at a party
and there was a guy dressed as a cat,
like a man dressed as a cat.
And I went up to him, I was like not on my watch.
And I went up to him and I said,
"What are you supposed to be a sexy cat?".
(audience laughing)
And then he was like, "No, just a regular cat".
(audience laughing)
And then I said,
"Then why do I wanna suck your (beep) right now?"
(audience laughing)
And he punched me.
(audience laughing)
What a homophobe.
(audience laughing)
Can't go around punching everyone
who has to suck your (beep).
We live in America.
(graphics whooshing)
- The worst thing about Halloween is of course candy corn.
(audience laughing)
It's unbelievable to me.
Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America
that's never been advertised.
(audience laughing)
And there's a reason,
(audience laughing)
all of the candy corn that was ever made, was made in 1911.
(audience laughing)
And so, since nobody eats that stuff,
every year there's a ton of it left over.
And the candy corn company
sends the guys to the villages
and they collect out of the dumpsters
all the candy corn we've thrown away.
They wash it, they wash it!
(audience laughing)
I'll never forget the first time
my mother gave me candy corn, she said,
"Here, Lewis this is candy corn.
It's corn that tastes like candy".
(Lewis giggles sarcastically)
(audience laughing)
This tastes like crap.
(audience laughing)
And every year since then, Halloween has returned.
And I, like an Alzheimer's patient,
find myself in the room
and the room has a table in it
and on the table there's a bowl of candy corn.
And I look at it as I've never seen it before.
(audience laughing)
"Candy corn", I think, "Corn that tastes like candy".
(audience laughing)
"I can't wait".
(audience laughing)
Son of a bitch!
(audience laughing)
(graphics whooshing)
- I don't like scary movies because they scare me.
To me it's like, "Here's $14, can I have that bad feeling?
I'd like to feel horror".
(audience laughing)
But what I really take issue with are scary movie previews.
Because that's two minutes of condensed horror
I didn't sign up for.
(audience laughing)
Sit down with your popcorn all happy.
Hear the lady singers outta nowhere.
(Joe imitates horror music)
You're like, "This isn't good".
(audience laughing)
There's some pale kid in a dark room
drawing with a crayon, that's the worst.
(audience laughing)
Mom walks in.
"Hey Billy, what are you drawing?"
"I'm drawing you mama".
(audience laughing)
"And my new friend Daryl".
"Oh can I see Daryl?"
"Sure, he's right above you".
(comedian imitates horror music)
(audience laughing)
(graphics whooshing)
- I was in college.
It was the night before Halloween.
And I got a phone call from a friend.
He said this, he went,
"Hey JC, tonight we're going over to Todd's dorm.
We're all gonna take acid
and then we're gonna watch the movie,
'An American Werewolf in London', do you want to go?"
And I was like, "You had me at acid, I will be there".
(audience laughing)
Got over to Todd's dorm,
me and 10 other college freshmen
all took acid for the first time.
Waited for it to begin affecting us.
And then somebody put a horror movie
about werewolves into a DVD player.
Panic and paranoia consumed the room.
(audience laughing)
One of my buddies convinced himself
the combination of the movie and the drugs
was going to turn him into an actual werewolf.
(audience laughing)
And he alerted the room by going,
"Guys! I'm about to turn into a (beep) werewolf"
(audience laughing)
"I gotta take these Nikes off first,
because my grandma bought them for me".
And everyone else was like,
"Oh shit. We're probably all turning into werewolves".
From one side of the room someone was like,
"Why don't we just turn the movie off?".
(audience laughing)
Pretty good.
Other side of the room someone was like,
"It wouldn't matter! You're already infected!"
(audience laughing)
Right after he yelled that
he started to strip his clothes off.
(audience laughing)
Then it turned into a chain reaction around the room.
Now it's a a dorm room full of college-aged dudes
stripping all their clothes off
to prevent them from being ruined
when we transform into monsters together.
(audience laughing)
Typical Tuesday night. Real simple.
At this point I go,
"Someone has to be responsible".
So I walked over to the dorm room telephone
and I called 911.
I got on the phone with a 911 operator
and I said into the phone,
"Hello. Me and my friends we're on a whole bunch of drugs
and we're all about to turn into werewolves".
(audience laughing)
Without skipping a beat,
the lady on the other end of the phone went,
"Honey, tonight's not the full moon".
(audience laughing)
I'm not saying that lady deserves a medal,
but she's pretty good at her (beep) job.
She calmed me right down, I hung up on her.
I'm like, "We're gonna be fine guys.
We dodged a real silver bullet on this one".
(audience laughing)
(graphics whooshing)
- My mom and I, we go way back.
(audience laughing)
And she's so sweet but
she's like very uncomfortable with anything sexual.
Okay. I think it's because she's a virgin.
(audience laughing)
But she knows that I like the word 'boner'.
It's a silly word.
Fun activity.
And on Halloween last year
she sent me a little card in the mail.
You know like all moms do on Halloween.
(audience laughing)
It said "Happy Halloween"
with like a little skeleton on the front of it.
This is a skeleton.
(audience laughing)
This is also what I look like when
I'm trying to look thin in a photo.
(audience laughing)
And then underneath it said "Bone Appetite".
And then you open it up
and my mom had handwritten in there
"Or boner appetite to you".
(audience laughing)
(audience clapping)
No, I think you just told your daughter
she's got an appetite for boners.
(audience laughing)
And I do.
You know, but I never finish them.
(audience laughing)
Just get mine and then I scoot.
(audience laughing)
(graphics whooshing)
- I know people love Halloween.
I mean I think that's a lot of people's favorite holiday.
I didn't really love it growing up
because my parents owned a health food store.
So I couldn't get away with Halloween pranks
because they owned the health food store.
So it was so easy to bust me, you know what I mean?
I was the only kid on the block egging houses
with those big old brown eggs.
(audience laughing)
Like you didn't have to be a detective to figure it out.
You'd like, "Oh, I wonder who toffitied my mailbox?
Is it the same evil genius
who filled my bird bath with rice dream?
And then broke ak-mak crackers over my garden gnome's head?"
But trick or treating,
that would've been the ultimate, right?
Trick or treating could have been the ultimate thing.
But then your parents gotta give you that safety speech.
But I think that took some of the fun out of it.
You know, you're finally old enough
to go trick or treating by yourself
and then they gotta give you that talk.
Like, "All right son, just go door to door
and get the candy. That's all you gotta do.
Just go get the candy, knock on the door
go to the next house, get more candy and it's all yours.
Get to keep it all. Have fun. Get lots of candy.
Oh yeah. One more thing I forgot to tell you son.
Be careful because the candy might have
razor blades in it!".
(audience laughing)
Oh my God, what a horrible thing to tell an 18 year old.
(audience laughing)
(graphics whooshing)
- The best kind of movie to take a chick on a date,
and y'all love this movie too, is scary movies.
That's a good movie.
It's very stimulating.
(Erik makes spooky noise)
You know.
(audience laughing)
But here's how a guy is supposed to get scared
in a scary movie, just like this.
(Erik yelling fearfully)
Ah!
(audience laughing)
Woo!
Haha!
Yeah!
That was a good one.
(audience laughing)
Come here girl.
Let me protect you from these ghosts.
(audience laughing)
And she's like, "Oh my God, protect me!"
(audience laughing)
That's how you're supposed to get scared.
I don't get scared, I get scurred.
I took this chick to see this movie called 'Insidious'.
It was irresponsibly scary.
(audience laughing)
I had to write a letter.
"Dear Insidious, tone this shit down, dude".
(audience laughing)
It was like she was sitting here
and there was a dude sitting here with a girl.
And I was holding onto his jacket like, "Oh my God".
(audience laughing)
Hooo, this is-
Run bitch!
(audience laughing)
And listen, I know he was scared
because he was looking at me like,
"Get in here dog, get in here. Stop messing around,
put your arm rest up and get in here, man".
(audience laughing)
It was scary. You know what I mean?
Now two things scare me in a movie.
Two things, all right?
One, when people on screen aren't
dealing with their circumstances in a timely fashion.
(audience laughing)
And two, little white kids doing demony shit.
(audience laughing)
I'm out when that start happening.
(audience laughing)
Like when little white boys start doing this,
(Erik imitates groaning)
"Mommy".
(audience laughing)
I'm in the theater like,
"What in the hell is going on?
Nobody see the white boy? Nobody see him?".
(audience laughing)
Then some of the white girls start jump roping
in the front yard.
"One, two, we gotta kill you".
Why these little bitches double dutching right now?
Why they double dutching?
(audience laughing)
This ain't a game, you know.
(audience laughing)
'Insidious' had all this, it had all of it.
Now the reason why you get scared
is because we know something is about to happen.
They should know something is about to happen
and they're acting in a manner in which
nothing is about to happen.
(audience laughing)
You know what I'm saying?
Listen, we're at an advantage though.
We're at an advantage
because what's the tip that something is about to happen?
The music, that sustained string.
(Erik imitating creepy string music)
You like, (gasp) something gonna happen.
(audience laughing)
We need that in real life.
That'd be awesome.
You know, you walking in a parking lot late at night.
(Erik imitating creepy string music)
(audience laughing)
Who out here?!
(audience laughing)
I meet some crazy chicks they go, "Hi, I'm Samantha".
(Erik imitating creepy string music)
"Yeah, I got, I gotta actually go Samantha".
(audience laughing)
Funny thing is women wouldn't even listen to the noise.
You know how y'all are.
(Erik imitating creepy string music)
"So you live with your mother? I can't".
(audience laughing)
"You're between jobs? This noise is so loud, I can't even".
(audience laughing)
Y'all make bad decisions.
Let me tell you about this date.
So I'm sitting in a movie, right?
Now there's, a chick is sitting at a piano.
Her baby's upstairs.
There's a baby monitor on the piano.
The baby monitor starts to go like this.
(Erik makes demonic noise)
(audience laughing)
(Erik makes demonic noise)
(audience laughing)
And she wants to go like this.
(audience laughing)
Get your baby, bitch!
You're not gonna get your baby?
I mean, I'm in the theater like,
"This chick is not gonna get her baby, everybody.
Everybody hear that on the thing?
Is it just me?".
(Erik makes demonic noise)
"Hello?".
(audience laughing)
Who are you talking to?
Your baby's one years old.
(audience laughing)
The baby finally starts crying after five minutes.
She throws the thing down and she runs upstairs.
There's literally a demon
standing next to the crib like this.
(Erik makes demonic noise)
She swoops up her baby.
Goes downstairs.
You think she leave the house?
(audience laughing)
I'm walking in the theater.
"This bitch is not gonna leave the house".
(audience laughing)
Demon in the house, but she not gonna leave the house.
(audience laughing)
She waiting for her husband to come home.
I would've had a note on the door.
Demon in house.
(audience laughing)
Best of luck to you.
(audience laughing)
Baby is upstairs.
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
(upbeat music playing)