And we have Jillian - she says, "Well, here's a tough question to get the ball rolling for those of us who are in extreme trauma
right now. What is the one thing that we can do to experience less pain?" Oh!
That's a tough one.
My name is Angie Atkinson and on this channel, I offer free daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. I like to call it Toxic Relationship Rehab.
So if that sounds good to you, hit that subscribe button and we will just get going. You know,
a lot of people and paths especially... sometimes we become so overwhelmed by the pain and the world
around us, even sometimes just the ugliness of the world because when you're seeing ugly in front of you which
narcissists tend to be and I don't mean physically ugly.
I mean, emotionally ugly and when you're going through the, you know, the trauma stuff, Julie Ann,
I think the best thing ...this is a tough question.
I think the best thing to do is to first of all allow yourself to feel that pain
because when we're in the relationship, we don't do that typically or we shove it down as much as we can.
So we have to start by trying to work through it
and then once we've done that, you know, and I find ways to work through it such that are really helpful include things like journaling.
Sometimes, you just need to cry for a minute
and I definitely always recommend putting kind of an end date on that morning and that pain but
at the same time
I think the other thing you want to do is once you have worked through it as much as you can,
you know, you have to make an intentional choice to jump off, right? So
that sounds weird. Jump off the pain wagon. You have to make an intentional choice to
start to focus on what you do want not, what you don't want and then start to focus on your ability to
find, you know, reasons to be grateful around you and then again to intentionally choose to
change your mind and your life in that process. Now, that also
depends on your... if you feel like you're in a psychological,
you know, spiral and you're not able to get out of it
then maybe in some cases, you want to consider going to a therapist.
But in those cases, you want to make sure that your therapist is educated enough to
help you and I don't mean enough. I mean educated in this specific area that you need which is maybe some CPTSD stuff.
I know, you know, what is one thing you can do to experience less pain? I
think that sounds weird to say go ahead and experience the pain
but I think what happens to us is that because of our abuse in the past, our
nature is to jump and go, "I'm not going to let this affect me. I'm gonna get through this.
I'm so tough." And we are tough. We're tougher than most people we know in real life but if we can't allow ourselves to feel
those feelings then we can't allow ourselves to heal.
Okay. So even though our first instinct is to let go of our feelings and be like, "I'm fine. It's fine.
It's no big deal." It is a freaking big deal. You know what I mean? There's so much that you have to go through
but you have to work through the pain if you're ever gonna release it.
That's what I'm saying. And Julie Ann,
I don't know if this question is for you or for someone else you know
or but if you are still in this sort of pain, you know, you may want to look into some real serious
personal work. You might want to talk to a therapist. You might want to set up a coaching appointment.
I can maybe help you individually but you definitely don't want to
continue to live in it without working through it. Does that make any sense at all? Am I helpful at all?
I hope so. What would you have said to Julie Ann
who said, "What's the one thing when you're in horrible pain from your trauma that you've gone through?"
What advice would you offer to somebody like that? What's like your best tips for healing?
I think there's a couple things. I guess first and foremost realizing that the pain that you're in is not going to last forever and
that it's not always gonna be this painful and
I think knowing that because whenever we go through any trauma, my house fire and abusive ex,
it's like this bomb goes off in your life and it can really
feel like you're stuck in that and like things are never gonna get better because everything is so blown apart.
Yeah. But if you realize, "No, this is just a chapter in the book of your life
like this doesn't have to be the whole story."
Yeah. So kind of keeping perspective like that. And then I think also
realizing that healing is
a process not an event and
that you're gonna have good days and bad days.
You're gonna have good moments and bad moments and to not wait until you feel a hundred percent healed
before you start getting back out there and living your life
that it tends a lot of this healing...
Let me touch on this too.
You know, a big part of healing is time but it's also what we do with that time
and so if we're just kind of sitting around
you know holding on to our pain,
it's not
gonna, you know, dissipate as quickly or we're not gonna process it as quickly as if we can make that conscious decision of, "Okay. You
know what? For the next 2 hours,
I'm gonna go out with a friend and
go to see a movie or go have dinner with somebody and I'm gonna set my pain down." and this is one of the hardest
things to do because you're not gonna feel like doing it. Right.
But if you can kind of step outside of that pain and just be like, "Okay.
I'm gonna put this down and I'm gonna go have fun."
knowing that I can come back and I can pick up that pain if I need to or if I want to.
Yeah. You know, that these events, these painful events and the joyous events in life occur--can occur simultaneously.
You know, just kind of like the house fire thing, you know, we
went out, you know.
I'm still making it a point to go out with friends and to go out and have fun
even though especially those first 2 weeks. I didn't feel like it at all. I bet.
And I had to just do that because it's like I need to do that because that pain can just be so engulfing
that it steals your life. And I think to make that conscious decision of not letting this person or this situation
steal any more of your joy or of your happiness and you kind of dig your heels in and
you start living a good life for yourself because you deserve it,
not necessarily because you feel like it. And in time, you will start to feel more like it.
Yup. And one of the things I suggested was a lot of times when we go through
any sort of serious trauma, especially when we're talking about with a narcissist, I
find--I found during my relationships with narcissists that I was never
allowing myself to feel anything.
I was always focusing on what, you know,
how can I keep that person happy and I didn't have time to be sad. I had to focus on them
and so I was shoving a lot down. So the first thing I said was, "Before anything else,
you have to let yourself kind of work through it and stop trying to shove it down just for a minute, you know,
like let yourself feel it first and then
move forward." What do you think about that?
I think that's great advice and I think a lot of people ...I would say myself included, too.
Even after
going through it, they either tend to feel full of rage or they feel numb. Yeah. And
numbness...
Yeah. Yeah. Numbness is a hard emotion to kind of shift out of. I mean, at least with anger there's a lot of energy and
anger and you can feel it trying to direct a loose fire hose.
Great way to put it. You know, but if you can channel that anger into something constructive,
doesn't have to be bit. I mean, you can go run around the block a few times.
You can go clean out a junk drawer. You can, you know, just
Yes. Yeah like, you know, start burning off that energy and like more positive ways.
The numbness is something that's ...I think this is another one of those little moments where we have those flashes of, "Hey!
Maybe, there's something more here."
Because I think a lot of people that are so used to being out of tune with their emotions,
maybe they weren't allowed to be angry or upset when they were a child and now they're having to
kind of explore emotions that they've never really felt before.
Yeah. They've spent decades trying to always be the peacekeeper or get along or
you know, they were the ones that
they consider themselves to be, "I go along to get along." kind of thing
and now all of a sudden they're numb and they're like, "I just don't even know how to feel." and
there's things that you can do because Angie's right. It's about
feeling those emotions and then kind of working through them.
I think some of the things... if you're having trouble getting angry or if you're having trouble even being sad
to try to allow time to provoke those emotions like mink those emotions within you.
Yeah. You can watch, you know,
one of my favorite all-time sad movies is the old movie beaches with Barbara Hershey and Bette Midler.
I love them. Ain't they great? I love them, too. And
movies that are not a love story, right?
But that are just sad and
that'll get those tears flowing and then just kind of keep riding that wave.
Yeah. Yeah. It helps along. It really does. Thanks for being a part of my day and a part of my life and hey,
thanks for letting me be a part of yours.
It really does mean a lot to me. Before I go, make sure you take a look at the videos
I'm leaving for you right here and right here and check out the videos
I've left for you in the cards above because those are going to help you to become more connected with yourself
and your recovery. And hey,
don't forget to hit that subscribe button right there so we can stay connected and continue on this healing journey together. Now,
don't forget you are never alone. You always have your SPANily. I'll see you soon!