(clears throat)
- Covington turn up.
- (crowd) Turn up for what?
- Because man, after 14 seasons
of me being on this show,
they finally got my little brother
on this (mumbles) show!
(crowd cheers)
(bell dings)
- They family! They family
Same mama.
Same daddy.
- Okay, say less.
(everyone laughs)
ATL, turn up.
- (crowd yells) Turn up for what?
- Baby 'cause, according to my girls flow app,
I'm not pregnant by her and neither is Nick.
I said that wrong.
(crowd laughs)
I thought about it all day. (cricket chirps)
I thought about it all day.
(crowd cheers)
- That's my brother, y'all.
That's my bro-. Aye y'all, that's my brother.
That's my brother y'all.
- [Nick] Aye man don't jinx him.
- Yeah! I gotta have my weaponry.
(crowd laughs)
What's up my girl, you trying to hit these?
(Marsai hums in agreement)
- Yeah yeah. I'll break bread with you.
Go crazy. Alright, alright, alright.
A wise man once told me...(mumbles).
(screams)
(crowd laughs)
(bell dings)
(laughs) That's a check, Nick.
That's a check.
- [Bobb'e] We want 100 million
in a check right now.
(crowd applauds)
- I am Nick Cannon's thoughts, and I love nothing more,
than jokes that are
original.
(crowd laughs)
(clears throat)
What did
the angel say
when he answered the phone?
Halo.
Cause it's...
(buzzer buzzes)
- [DJ] Get outta here man.
Make some noise for Philly.
- [Cast] Let's go Phil!
(crowd cheers)
- I got a joke, it's fire and it's original.
What did the angel say when he answered the phone?
Halo.
(crowd laughs)
(bell dings)
- I'm sorry I'm sorry.
- [male voice] That's what I'm talking about.
Let's go Philly!
- That was a good one.
- It was the delivery.
- I never heard it before.
(crowd laughs)
- [female voice] That was a good one.
- The topic is church
♪ Kill it and kill it and kill it and kill it ♪
♪ Pick up and kill it and kill it and kill it ♪
- Welcome to church where God is great.
Soon as you walk in, pass the plate.
- Pass the plate. No, not again.
I gave you my twenties. I gave you my 10.
- You gave me your 10's.
That is not enough.
Send it to me or you going to hell.
- Going to hell?
That ain't in the book.
Aye, I'ma stop coming here, you are a crook.
- I am a crook?
Watch it young man.
I'm still a pastor, I'll lay these hands.
- You'll lay these hands?
Pastor, you wrong.
I know this a black church, this taking too long.
- Taking too long, as it should.
I can go all day about how God is good.
- Okay, God is good all the time
and all the time, God is good.
♪ Pick up and kill it and kill it and kill it ♪
( bell dings)
(crowd cheering)
- Let's get it fam.
- You ticklish (beep)?
(crowd laughs)
Oh you ain't ticklish?
I got you.
What did Erykah Badu
sound she made when she fell down the stairs?
Ain't it.
Is that..?
Erykah...
Badu-Badu-Badu-Badu-Badu-Badu
Badu.
Badu?
(buzzer buzzes)
(crowd laughs)
- Your scene is "Stranded in the ocean".
- Oh my God. That's Moby Thick.
(crowd laughs)
Moby Thick... Moby. Moby!
Moby Thick.
(bell dings)
- Your scene is on a playground.
- Sing the school song, dammit.
Sing it.
♪ Fair Eastside ♪
(bell dings)
♪ 5, 10, 15, 20. Hands up, get that money ♪
- How much you want for the water?
- (beep) by the quarter.
- How much you want for the shirt?
- I can't fit that.
- Better make it work.
You standing up here and you're looking bold.
- I got a stack for them chips.
- Aw (beep), sold
♪ 5, 10, 15, 20. Hands up, get that money ♪
- Me and That Boy Funny up in this bitch.
- We at a auction right now trying to place a bid.
- I see some chips.
- I see some dip.
- I see some lips.
- I see her hip.
Standing up here, yeah we on our toes.
- I got a thousand for Aqua man
- Aww (beep), sold.
♪ 5, 10, 15, 20. Hands up, get that money. ♪
(bell dings)
♪ 5, 10, 15, 20. Hands up, get that money. ♪
- You know I got big boy when I come through.
Yeah, big boy he looking for the snacks and the food.
- It's a big boy coming through, I'm talking real loud.
Let me get them flowers there
'cause my Mama in the crowd.
♪ 5, 10, 15, 20. Hands up, get that money. ♪
♪ (everyone) Back seat of my ride ♪
♪ (everyone) Go go. The back seat of my ride ♪
- Back seat of my ride I ain't never.
- The back seat of my ride, seen a..
♪ (everyone) Back seat of my ride ♪
- I ain't never, I ain't never, I ain't never.
I ain't never. I ain't never.
♪ (everyone) I ain't never seen a big boy in the back seat ♪
- I ain't never seen a big boy..
♪ (crowd) The back seat of my ride ♪
- You gon' mess the suspension up (beep).
♪ (crowd) The back seat of my ride, go go ♪
♪ (crowd) The back seat of my ride ♪
- I got Veronica
♪ (crowd) The back seat of my ride ♪
- I like Monica.
♪ (crowd) The back seat of my ride ♪
- I like your yarmulke.
♪ (crowd) The back seat of my ride ♪
- Come through for Hanukkah.
♪ (crowd) The back seat of my ride ♪
- Don't let this car hit you.
♪ (crowd) The back seat of my ride ♪
- I spit these bar Mitzvahs.
♪ (crowd) The back seat of my ride ♪
- I popped them bottles off.
♪ (crowd) The back seat of my ride ♪
- Yo mazel tov.
♪ (crowd) The back seat of my ride, go go. ♪
♪ (bell dings) ♪
- I have a girlfriend I gotta sit on this side.
(crowd laughing)
Okay girl I'm trying to get this wrap off.
The first guy taught me to wax on and wax off.
That's insane, kid. And in the championship,
I won with the crane kick.
- He said cricket kid.
- I knew it too, you said it.
♪ 5, 10, 15, 20. Hands up, get that money ♪
- Out of the ordinary, call the coronary raw.
I don't see no girl's phone numbers
right there on your clipboard.
Verbally Raw, heard at me raw.
You got the Carmex, but I don't wanna use it
you might even have a cold sore.
Spitting these bars, getting hit hard, living this bar
you could've paid me $20,000 just so go get in that car.
Get a drop hell pain.
I'm yellow boot and L Man.
Metro Card I never take a L unless it is the L train.
♪ 5, 10, 15, 20. Hands up, get that money ♪
- Maddy Smith. Maddy Smith.
Hey, you don't wanna wow with the Don (beep).
- Right now with my yarmulke on.
Listen, I love spitting these bars.
You love going to work for 10 hours
and leaving your kids in the car.
- This is Air Hod.
You look like a mix between Young Thug's,
Little Turdibod and an AirPod.
- Understand when I (beep).
- Yo I got the knee up, come on (beep).
(crowd cheers)
- Your answer is Nick Cannon will get you pregnant if..
(crowd cheers)
- What is, if your name is
Lisa.
Tina.
Michelle.
Katrina.
Brittany.
Tanya.
Toya.
Tina.
- Keep going.
- Your answer is, signs your significant other
is for the streets.
(crowd cheers)
- What is, the restaurant saved in his phone?
Call him.
(crowd laughs)
- [Nick] Facts.
(bell dings)
(crowd cheers)
(Courtney grunts in rhythm)
- Nick Cannon! I ain't got no check yet.
And I need, new bras, 'cause my titties
supposed to sit like this. But they sit like that.
(crowd laughs)
They suppose to sit like this.
(crowd laughs)
- Check is on the way.
- Let's go.
(crowd laughs)
- Now Courtney Bee, come up here girl.
(bell dings)
Let me tell you why you shouldn't (beep) with me.
- Okay?
- 'Cause at the barbecue, I know you like Frito Lay's.
(chuckles) But you up here
built like the octopus, off the mermaid.
(everyone laughs)
- [female voice] No!
- [male voice] Wow!
- Alrighty, DC No Fly.
(crowd laughs)
- You look like..
- A small fry.
- Thank you!
- [Nick] You got it.
- If I sit on you, you will die.
- Facts.
- Right between your thighs.
(everyone laughs)
(bell dings)
- Hey, every time you jump in the ocean, there's a tide.
Put your heads together for Mary J why.
(crowd laughs)
- Y'all got me battling Borat's sister,
don't know if she is a (beep).
You the only Israeli in town, call your peeps
see if we can get these gas prices down.
(crown cheers)
(bell dings)
(crowd cheers)
- Hey Nick, I wanna ask you a question.
Don't spit, I want to be here more.
What do you think? (chuckles)
What do you think is further away?
My country or Chico Bean hairline?
(crowd laughs)
(bell dings)
- Look at his (beep), look at his (beep).
His hairline so far away it needs a passport. (chuckles)
- You sound like the Count von.
The two, the three, the four, the five,
six, seven, eight.
(crowd cheers)
- Hey!
Hey!
Hey yo, this guy, I was in the bedroom,
he asked me to talk dirty to him
and I was like, you sure? I'm not like Latina?
This (beep) not sexy. It's not like. Hi papi.
Like I'll be in that bitch like...
(speaks in Hebrew)
(crowd laughs)
- What's up sisters?
Oh, Nicolas.
- I've been trying to get pregnant by you
for the last three seasons, but I've been saying it
in English so maybe if I say it in Creole.
(speaks in Creole)
Oh, that ain't work? You know what?
Let me get my Hebrew girl over here.
Come on, kick it to him in Hebrew, please.
How do I say that in Hebrew?
- How do you say what?
(DJ laughs)
- Oh, oh, in your mouth?
Honey, no the language it is the same.
(crowd laughs)
(bell dings)
- Got it!
- Hey!
Hey, hey Nick!
How are you?
You doing good today?
(speaks in Hebrew)
(DJ laughs)
(beep)
I wanted the screen time, I wanted more screen time.
- She wanted the screen time.
- Do it again or I'ma do another.
(crowd cheers)
- Don't mess with the Zoan.
- Hey, shut the (beep) up.
- Hey!
Don't speak.
- Hey Nick, did I ever tell you the thing man
like about me most, is my soothing voice. (chuckles)
(DJ laughs)
♪ No matter what I do (screams) ♪
♪ All I think about is you (screams) ♪
(bell dings)
(crowd cheers)
- [Nick] Let's go old man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Hi.
- Hey, lemme tell you baby girl.
A green ogre wears over again.
Head so big, and look like E-Man.
(crowd laughs)
Hey, head bigger than Mr.Wrek
His name rhymes with..?
- Shrek?
(crowd cheers)
- Wow.
(bell dings)
(crowd cheers)
- Hey, hey.
(crowd laughs)
They say I had it all, but something was missing.
I kept looking down, but something was fishy.
I'm the prince, I was looking and look like Justina
if she was a virgin.
(crowd laughs)
- Oh, The Little Mermaid.
- She said it, she said it.
- [Nick] Hey, hey.
(crowd cheers)
- Hi Nick, how are you doing?
- (chuckles) I'm good.
- Are you happy that I'm your lawyer?
- I don't think you're my lawyer. (chuckles)
- Oh, are you happy that I'm his lawyer?
- (chuckles) Yeah, sure.
I'm happy you're not my lawyer.
- Yes, I'm the prosecutor.
You know what? (beep) I'm the judge.
- Okay.
- I'm about to read you the verdict.
- Okay.
- The verdict is...
(speaks in Hebrew).
How do you plead?
(everyone laughs)
- One second your honor.
- I know what she said, get outta here.
- Hey don't cheat, don't cheat.
(crowd laughs)
- How do I plea?
- Apparently you just pled in Hebrew so...
I'm gonna say
I plead the fifth.
(crowd cheers)
- Yes, yes, this how it is!
(bell dings)
(crowd cheers)