Hello, friends.
Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm Dulcé Sloan, and it's my first night.
And I'll be honest with y'all.
I'm nervous--
that I might crash this too hard!
OK?
[cheering]
The pressure's too hard to make the world incredibly jealous.
Oh!
Now, we've got a great show for you tonight.
My guest tonight is the winner of season
15 of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Sasha Colby is here!
[cheering]
But we have a lot to talk about.
So let's get into these headlines.
[cheering]
Let's kick things off with a big sports comeback story.
And I'm talking about a real comeback, none of this
we were shit for 20 years, but now we're
in the playoffs bullshit.
[cheering]
You know what?
Call me when you get a ring, OK?
I'm talking about the woman who came back
from a Russian gulag, Brittney Griner.
[cheering]
The WNBA star is now saying that after what
happened in Russia, she is never playing overseas again.
And I feel you, sis.
If that shit happened to me, forget overseas.
I wouldn't play basketball anywhere--
not in America, not in my backyard.
I wouldn't even watch basketball.
I'd become the first Black woman to watch hockey.
[laughter]
I mean, really, think about what she went through.
She went to Russia to play basketball,
and she ended up in jail.
Staying out of jail is the reason
Black people started playing basketball in the first place.
[laughter]
I don't even know if we like it.
Bouncing a ball like a child, running around back and forth,
oh, it's exhausting.
That even sounds like a real job,
and I'm supposed to watch this?
Plus the shorts are way too long now.
I mean, what happened to them nice, little
Wilt Chamberlain shorts?
[laughter]
[applause]
You know, I'm trying to see if a man is circumcised.
[laughter]
I mean, look at the one in the white shorts.
You can see his heartbeat.
[laughter]
And so I understand where you're coming from, Brittney.
And I know people are saying, how can
she never travel again?
And those people are white.
[laughter]
White people always do this.
A shark will bite off their whole arm,
and they'll be like, I'm going back in the ocean
or the shark wins.
Bitch, the shark already won.
It is swimming around, slapping other sharks with your arm.
[laughter]
But let's move on to another accomplished Black
woman, Cleopatra.
And don't tell me she wasn't Black.
I'm already hearing enough of that from Egypt.
Well, the folks in Egypt are accusing Netflix
of misrepresenting history in Netflix's new docuseries
called Queen Cleopatra.
Yeah, the country is actually criticizing the decision
to cast a Black woman to play the title
role in series re-enactments.
Netflix says, the casting decision
was intended to acknowledge the centuries-long conversation
about the ruler's race and the multicultural history
of Egypt.
But officials in Cairo are calling it
a blatant historical fallacy, claiming
that Cleopatra was fair skinned and of Greek descent.
Oh, OK.
Egypt is concerned about historical accuracy.
I didn't hear you complain when all the Mummy movies came out.
[laughter]
What are you talking about?
[applause]
We got mummies coming back from the dead,
chasing Brendan Frazier, and y'all don't have a problem.
And then a Black woman plays Cleopatra, and all
of a sudden, it's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
that didn't happen. That didn't happen.
No, The Mummy-- that was real.
This, uh-uh.
Like, what are the Egyptians so afraid of?
You think Cleopatra is going to turn your history
into a Blaxploitation film?
You think she's going to be cruising
down the Nile in a Cadillac, yelling, freeze, jive turkeys!
This is my pyramid now.
[laughter]
So, OK, you can have Cleopatra.
But then we get Jesus.
[laughter]
[cheering]
I mean, it's only fair.
We all know Jesus was Black because he
was found guilty in court.
And he did nothing wrong!
And since we're talking about representation,
let's talk about what mermaids really look like.
And I'm not talking about Ms. Haley.
No, there's a new controversy about a statue
that some people say is too damn sexy.
I mean, look at that thing.
[laughter]
You got Mermaid the Stallion over here.
This the first statue where every time you walk up
it plays, [harmonizing]
Now, look, if you want to give me
a mermaid with some big, old titties, that's fine with me.
But where it gets confusing is that ass.
Come on.
We all know fish don't have an ass.
It almost feels like the sculptor figured out too
late that he couldn't do legs.
He messed them up so bad.
He had to just pivot it to a mermaid on the fly.
And that's just not any ass.
That mermaid is working with certified cakes.
You hear me?
I'm talking full bakeries, all right?
Even Sir Mix-a-Lot is like, you know what?
This is too far for me.
[laughter]
Anyway, if you want to see more of the young ladies,
you can check out her account on OnlyFins.
[laughter]
[applause]
So that mermaid story was for the men out there.
But I got a little something for the ladies.
REPORTER: Yes, this is what it looks like, an iceberg just
off the coast of Harbour Grace, Newfoundland
with a very particular shape.
MAN: I've personally never seen anything like it.
From the right angle, it appears
to replicate certain body parts from a male.
It looks like it's, like, 50 feet tall.
By far, it's the biggest I've seen.
REPORTER: It's a very large male member.
There's no mistaking that's what it looks like.
I'm not sure if we can say this on the air, but I'm going to.
It looks like a penis.
[laughter]
She didn't want to say it, but she did.
Now, see, that's the real North Pole right there.
[laughter]
If this is what it looks like when it's cold,
ooh, I want to see it when it's warmed up.
Just the tip of the iceberg has a whole new meaning.
Now, listen, I know what some of y'all are thinking.
But if you stretch first, you'll be fine.
Now, you see why we can't be making these mermaid statues.
I mean, the Earth got one look at that mermaid,
and look what happened.
[laughter]
[applause]
Bodies!
And, finally, we all know, social media
is a big part of our lives.
Many of us are watching this on social media right now.
Thank you.
Follow me.
[laughs] But we also know that social media can be very
destructive for young people, you know, the youth,
but maybe not for long.
A bipartisan team of senators are eyeing a social media
ban for kids 13 and under.
It's called the Protecting Kids on Social Media Act
and would set a minimum age to use apps like Instagram,
Facebook, and TikTok.
REPORTER: Their bill sets age 13 as the legal minimum
for social media platforms, requiring companies to conduct
more rigorous verification.
Teens under 18 would need verified parental consent
to sign up for an account.
And platforms would be prohibited
from using algorithms to target content to minors.
Yes!
Get these kids off social media.
[cheering]
And none of this bullshit where they can
get their parents' permission.
That just makes the cyberbullying worse.
Because now when Jessica calls you a bitch,
you know her mom and her dad signed off on it.
That girl whole family is coming for your ass.
Now, for more, we're joined by one of my favorite people,
fresh off hosting the White House Correspondents
Dinner, Uncle Roy Wood, Jr.!
[cheering]
Hello, Dulcé.
I like the colors.
Thank you so much.
Like the colors.
Now, you agree with me, Roy.
We got to get these kids off that social media.
Oh, you're crazy.
Social media needs to be mandatory for kids.
Keep them distracted on their phones.
I don't want these kids out on the street, talking to me,
making me feel old.
You try to walk past these kids,
and then they start complimenting you
on your shoes.
But I don't know the street name of these shoes.
Yo, OG, I see you cop the Scooby Doo Green Goblins.
What is your ass talking about?
Did you just ask me for drugs?
Just say, nice sneakers.
You're about-- need to get the hell away from me.
Hell, I ain't one of your little friends.
You go home, bite down on one of them Tide Pods.
I'm tired of it.
They still eat the Tide Pods.
I mean, listen, I heard they're delicious.
Listen, Roy, you have a child.
Do you want him on social media?
You damn straight I want him on social media.
I got to think about his future.
After AI and ChatGPT take over, being an influencer
is going to be the only job left.
In fact-- in fact, when I catch my kid
doing geometry homework, I go, boy, if you don't go
get in front of that computer!
Set up a ring light and start selling that flat tummy.
We got to get these views up, boy.
And you know what else-- what else, Dulcé?
Like, instead of banning kids from social media,
the people you really got to ban is all them booty models.
That's who you got to ban.
How am I supposed to be faithful when I ain't seen
a woman's face in six months?
I shouldn't be able to recognize a woman
by her booty crack, but I can.
See, this is what I'm talking about.
We're all too immature for social media.
Not just the kids, everyone should be banned.
Hell, ban me.
Do you know how productive I'd be
if I didn't have social media?
I'd be Oprah, a billionaire telling
white women what to read.
Oh, the power, Roy, the power.
Do you understand if I could just
get these white women to read these books,
I could have so much--
Roy, Roy.
Hi, we're working.
What are you doing?
Did you know mermaids got ass now?
[laughter]
Oh, my god, look at this statue.
Look at this statue.
I'mma support her career.
I'mma follow her real quick.
You need to follow these mermaids.
Roy Wood, Jr., everybody.