Yes, it's official-- the leader of ISIS is dead.
And you heard what they said:
they found him by interrogating his courier.
Which is a great reminder
to always tip your delivery guy, people.
-(laughter) -Yeah. 20% for good service.
30% if you're a terrorist who's trying to hide your location.
Now, over the past couple of days, we've started learning
the details of this raid, and, to be honest,
it sounds like something straight out of a movie.
NEWSWOMAN: The secret operation beginning at 5:00 p.m.
Saturday night.
Eight Chinook helicopters took off
from a Kurdish-controlled area in Iraq,
flying low and fast, taking on gunfire
and returning the fire before landing in Northern Syria.
Once on the ground, the commandoes blowing a hole
through Baghdadi's hideout.
The front door had been booby-trapped.
You know, you would think you go through the door.
If you're a normal person, you... say "knock-knock,
may I come in?"
Uh, the fact is that they blasted their way into...
uh, the house and a very heavy wall,
and it took them literally seconds.
-Yes, yes. -(laughter)
Instead of knocking on the door...
-(laughter) -and asking ISIS if they could come in,
the special forces instead chose to blow a hole through the wall.
Which must have been traumatizing for Trump to watch.
He was just sitting there like, "No! Why did you damage
"that beautiful wall?
-"That wall didn't do anything to anybody. -(cheering)
"Why would you do that?
"Now Mexicans are gonna pour into al-Baghdadi's house
-and take all ISIS jobs." -(laughter)
Now, you know, honestly, the one cool thing about Donald Trump
is that, unlike other presidents,
he's never trying to communicate the gravity of this moment
and keep the details to a minimum.
No, he sounds like a dude on the local news
who just saw some shit.
They blasted their way in and then, uh, all hell broke loose.
He died after running into a dead-end tunnel,
whimpering and crying and screaming all the way.
He died like a dog. He died like a coward.
He reached the end of the tunnel
as our dogs chased him down.
He ignited his vest, killing himself...
Nobody was even hurt.
Our canine, as they call-- I call it a dog...
a beautiful dog...
a talented dog--
was injured and brought back.
"Yes, yes. I call it a dog."
(laughter)
So, Baghdadi died like a dog,
but a dog is also the hero.
Some very mixed messages about dogs in this story.
More importantly, though,
it's weird that al-Baghdadi tried to escape
through a dead-end tunnel.
Does nobody else find that weird?
Why does a terrorist compound have a dead-end tunnel?
And also, isn't a dead-end tunnel just a cave?
What is that? Like, who made this tunnel?
Was it built by the same people who run the New York subway?
Is that what it was? Baghdadi ran, then he's like,
"A dead end? You said the tunnel would be finished by now!"
He's like, "Look, buddy, there's a lot of things
"that are supposed to happen in life, all right?
My wife was supposed to be a double date. Turns out I'm gay,
"and my husband and I are living our truth.
"What do you wanna do? What do you wanna do, buddy?"
(applause)
Now, whether you like Trump or not, you have to admit
that this is a big win in the fight against ISIS.
But Trump is the only person who can turn a unifying occasion
into a dick-measuring contest.
This is the biggest there is. This is...
uh, the worst ever.
Uh, Osama bin Laden was very big,
but Osama bin Laden became big with the World Trade Center.
This a man who built a whole..
uh, as he would like to call it, a country,
a caliphate,
uh, and was trying to do it again.
-What are you doing? -(laughter)
You don't have to pretend
this guy is a "bigger get" than bin Laden.
First of all, it's childish.
Secondly, he's not, right?
Bin Laden changed the entire world forever.
It's 18 years after 9/11, and I still can't take
-four ounces of lotion onto an airplane. -(laughter)
I go on vacation, and my skin is dry as (bleep).
That's how bad a terrorist bin Laden was.
We all ashy in these streets because of bin Laden.
All these guys are bad-- you don't have to weigh them out.
But once again, Trump has managed
to turn a nonpartisan American victory
into another political fight.
Who deserves more credit?
Is it Trump or Obama?
Do presidents even deserve any credit for military victories?
The whole conversation is ridiculous.
Because we all know who really made this thing happen.
It was that canine.
(laughter, cheering, applause)
Or...
as I call it, a dog.
(laughter)
That dog deserves the highest honor America has to offer.
Which is its own movie.
So we made a trailer for it.
ANNOUNCER: In theaters this Christmas,
the story of a dog who will warm your heart...
and kill al-Baghdadi.
-(inquisitive whine) -But first...
he'll have to train...
This is al-Baghdadi.
Go get him, boy!
...for whatever may happen.
This is how they'll torture you.
-So you're gonna kill the leader of ISIS? -(barks)
-And your gonna piss on his bones? -(barks)
Damn, you're hard-core.
Because the only thing that stops a bad dude
is a good boy.
(dog barks)