( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪
>> THANKS!
WELL, GUYS, CONGRATULATIONS TO ME!
I JUST GOT A BRAND-NEW EX-BOYFRIEND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I THINK WE'RE REALLY GOING TO
MAKE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK WE'RE GOING TO NOT BE
TOGETHER FOREVER.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I AM A COOL EX.
I'M COOL.
GOT TO STAY COOL.
GOT TO TEXT HIM -- HEY, WHAT'S UP?
YOU KNOW, JUST BEING COOL, JUST GRAB SOME COFFEE.
JUST COOL STUFF.
JUST COOL.
BECAUSE I'VE GOT TO BE COOL.
BECAUSE IF I'M NOT A COOL EX, I'M A CRAZY EX!
THOSE ARE YOUR TWO CHOICES, COOL OR -- CRAZY!
I'VE GOT A LOT OF GUY FRIENDS AND THEY LOVE TELLING ME HOW
THEIR EX WENT -- CRAZY!
AND I HATE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT I DO LOVE BEING A DETECTIVE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) AND IF YOU LISTEN REAL CLOSE,
LIKE RIGHT BEFORE HE TELLS YOU THAT SHE WENT CRAZY, HE'LL TELL
YOU HOW HE WAS "THE WORST BOYFRIEND."
LIKE IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, YEAH, I KNOW, I TOOK A DUMP MANY HER
SINK, AND SHE WENT CRAZY!
( APPLAUSE ) OH, I FOUND A CLUE...
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, SHE DIDN'T GO CRAZY.
SHE WENT MAD -- AT YOU.
AND THAT'S THE APPROPRIATE EMOTIONAL RESPONSE, RIGHT?
YOU DON'T WANT TO CALL SOMEBODY CRAZY FOR HAVING AN APPROPRIATE
EMOTIONAL RESPONSE TO A SITUATION.
WHAT YOU WANT TO LOOK OUT FOR IS TO FIND YOURSELF SAYING, YOU
KNOW, I TOOK A DUMP IN HER SINK AND SHE WAS -- TOTALLY COOL WITH
IT.
SHE TOLD ME TO DO IT AGAIN.
SHE THINKS IT'S CUTE.
WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS CRAZY.
THE EXAMPLES OF HOW SHE WENT CRAZY, IT'S NEVER CRAZY.
WHAT DID SHE DO?
PRETTY BAD.
UNFRIENDED ME ON Facebook AND BLOCKED ME ON INSTAGRAM.
THAT'S NOT CRAZY.
WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR, IS OH, I I OPENED MY CLOSET AND SHE WAS IN
THERE WAITING FOR ME WITH A SHIV MADE FROM A BABY DOLL.
THAT'S CRAZY!
( APPLAUSE ) THE GUY I JUST BROKE UP WITH IS
ACTUALLY YOUNGER THAN ME.
I WAS DATE AGO YOUNGER GUY BECAUSE I AM VERY MODERN.
AND THAT WAS FINE BUT IT DID END UP FEELING KIND OF WEIRD BECAUSE
I ENDED UP FEELING LIKE I HAD ALL THESE, LIKE, LIFE SPOILERS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, HE WOULD BE, LIKE, YEAH,
I'M GOING TO START A BUSINESS WITH MY BEST FRIEND, AND I'M
LIKE, OH YOU DON'T KNOW THE END!
AHHH!
( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T WANT TO RUIN IT FOR YOU!
I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO FINISH SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT THIS!
THERE IS A TWIST, YOU'RE GOING TO BE SURPRISED.
IT DOES NOT GO THE WAY YOU THINK IT WILL.
NOTHING DOES.
( LAUGHTER ) HHE WAS, LIKE, I DON'T GAIN
WEIGHT OR GET HANGOVERS.
I WAS LIKE, I'M SO FAR AHEAD OF YOU IN THE SERIES, THERE IS
LITERALLY NO WAY FOR YOU TO CATCH UP WITH ME!
SO MANY MOVIES TO WATCH.
( LAUGHTER ) MY FRIENDS ARE ALL HAVING
BABIES.
YEAH, I DON'T KNOW EITHER.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE ALL, LIKE, ELIZA,
WHERE'S YOUR BABY?
I'M, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, THE PARK, WHERE DO YOU LEAVE STUFF?
( LAUGHTER ) I FEEL THAT'S JUST NOT FOR ME.
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT THEY'RE, LIKE, OH, NO, ELIZA, ONCE YOU HAVE THAT
BABY -- EVERYTHING CHANGES!
ONCE YOU HAVE THAT BABY, LIKE -- OH, MY GOD!
I LOVE THIS BABY!
LOOK AT ALL THE BABIES!
I LOVE BABIES!
ALL I DO IS THINK ABOUT BABIES ALL THE TIME!
I LOVE BABIES!
I'M, LIKE, THAT SOUNDS LIKE HEROIN!
( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T WANT TO DIP MY TOE IN
THAT FOR 18 YEARS EITHER.
THANKS.
THEN THEY'RE LIKE, OH, AT LEAST COME HOLD THE BABY, PLEASE.
COME OVER AND HOLD THE BABY.
I'M, LIKE, OKAY, SURE, OF COURSE.
OF COURSE, I LOVE YOU, I WILL COME AND LOVE YOUR BAYY, AND I
DO.
BUT I GET SO TENSE BECAUSE THEY DON'T WORK WITH YOU THE WAY A
CAT DOES.
YOU KNOW?
RIGHT, BECAUSE THE NECK IS RIGHT, AH!
AND YOU'RE, LIKE, AH!
AND THEIR FACE LOOKS SO ANGRY LIKE THEY'RE LOOKING AT YOU,
YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!
I KNOW!
AND THEY START TAKING THE PICTURES AND I GET SO TENSE!
THEY SAY WHEN SOMEBODY STANDS ON A HIGH LEDGE, THEY'RE NOT SCARED
THEY'RE GONNA FALL.
THEY'RE SCARED THEY'RE GONNA JUMP.
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN I HOLD MY FRIENDS' BABIES,
I'M NOT SCARED I'M GONNA -- DROP 'EM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'M SCARED I'M GONNA -- EAT 'EM!
NO!
THROW 'EM!
RIGHT AT A WALL!
CHOICES!
( APPLAUSE ) IF YOU THINK THAT JOKE IS TOO
MEAN, YOU'VE NEVER HELD A BABY.
I TALK TO ALL MY PARENT FRIENDS, THEY'RE, LIKE, OH, YEAH, THAT
LITTLE HEAD?
IT'S LIKE AN EGGSHELL.
IT COULD SMASH AT ANY MOMENT.
BUT IT WON'T.
I MEAN, IT WILL, SOMEDAY.
I'M MEAN, I HOPE NOT.
NEVER MIND!" AND THAT'S PARENTING.
THANKS, GUYS.
I'M ELIZA SKINNER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪
>> James: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ELIZA SKINNER!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )