A pandemic is not an ideal time for dating. I think we can all agree, but as we approach
the one-year mark of our national semi-lockdown, how do you date a guy during social distancing?
How can you build trust? How can you stay safe? How can you hook up? How can you see
more than one person at a time? All that and much more on this Love U podcast. Stick around.
I'm Evan Marc Katz, dating coach for smart, strong, successful women and your personal
trainer for love. Welcome to the Love U podcast. Keep listening to learn how to date
during the coronavirus pandemic. When we're done, I'll let you know how you can apply
to Love U to create a passionate relationship that makes you feel safe, heard, and understood.
So, let's establish that meeting guys, at this time, is particularly fraught with a
different level of complexity than normal times. In normal times, you use your app,
you swipe on a million guys, and you wonder why the quality of interactions is so low,
why you're getting stuck in texting hell, and why nothing seems to get off the ground.
Oh, actually, it's the same thing right now, isn’t it? But worse, take that and double it.
Why? People are tired and just losing momentum. People don't exactly even know what they want
right now. They want social contact, but they're not really sure if they feel safe. They're not
really sure if they're motivated to have enough to give to a relationship. So, there's a lot of
confusion and a lot of ambivalence, which means a lot of trial, error, and failure.
And it's compounded by the fact that we have these amazing tools for frictionless meeting
and these frictionless meeting tools, which we call dating apps, are making us
even feel more isolated and dissatisfied. So, I don't mean to do another anti-app and
texting rant, but this is a way of pointing out that if you're using apps and texting is your
primary form of communication, everything is like five times harder, if only because you're
talking to a whole bunch of people who also have limitless options at this point in time.
If everybody's disposable, there's always someone cuter, always someone more interesting, and the
nature of the communication is so slight, texts, emojis, you're never really going to get anything
off the ground unless you get super lucky. So, before we talk about what's wrong with social
distancing, which is easy, let's take a moment to praise it. Let's talk about what's right about it.
Number one, it forces a corrective to the flaws of dating apps. Those have been enumerated. But if
dating apps allow you to access a limitless number of people with no effort. Because of coronavirus,
we're sort of forced to slow down. You cannot just swipe right on a guy and have him text you once
and come up to your house with a bottle of wine. But that's not a very safe thing. And I don't
think most people are doing it. So, it's forcing those guys, if they're going to get any action,
to at least give the illusion of wanting to pay attention to who you are as a human being.
Next, number two, it forces you to date more slowly.
Dating is a necessary evil. People don't like dating. Nobody wants to be good at dating. But
dating with clarity and intention is how you end up finding love, how you end up getting married
and moving slower, just like most things in life are going to produce a better result in moving
faster. So, this whole thing has forced us against our will to slow down. You just can't meet guys,
strange guys for blind dates in person these days. There's a cost to that. There's a social cost,
there's potentially a physical cost. So, we are forced against our will to slow down
and slowing down is actually to our benefit, to your benefit as a woman.
Next, number three, it allows you to use the phone for what it was originally created for.
I know that's kind of silly. People like texting, you probably like texting and talking on the
phone is weird. At the same time, talking on the phone is good. FaceTime is good. Zoom is good.
This is a way to have a first date with a guy without having to meet him in person. It's
a way of building trust, rapport, excitement, anticipation, chemistry, and attraction without
actually having to get dressed up and go out on a nice date or even have to go to a coffee shop.
You could have your first date like this. And I really actually hope that more people do
video chats prior to going on first dates in the future post-pandemic.
Number 4, it allows you to get to know and know someone in a more organic way.
Specifically, getting to know someone without the pressure of having to go
on a date. You're not interviewing this person for the part of a spouse. I think the fact that
we're forced to go slow means we could take a little bit of pressure off. You don't have to ask
difficult questions of someone on a Zoom call. It's a more low-pressure situation.
And so, by slowing down, getting to know someone first, by text or email, hopefully writing longer
correspondence, leading to a scheduled Zoom date, scheduled FaceTime, repeated schedule, FaceTime,
now, we're on the path to get to know someone in a way that is
more like conventional courtship, the thing that has worked for a long time prior to the Internet.
And then, there's this other silver lining to the pandemic,
which it allows you time to heal, learn, and reflect. Listen, no one will want this to happen.
At the same time, being stuck at home, being college educated, a six-figure earner
who is alone in her four walls is definitely a call to action to reflect,
is this what I want? Am I living the life that I want? Is being busy an excuse to stay single?
Is it just an easy inertia path for me to stay on the same track that is not leading me to love?
Do I want to recalibrate how I'm approaching love and the importance of having a partner in life?
And what a wonderful opportunity to learn what I've been doing wrong that I could correct
once the world opens up again in a few months. So, this is actually a really, really good time.
Lots of people have been joining Love U because it's a really good time to reflect and learn. So,
that's the good stuff. But with all this slower courtship process, there's also
a downside, which is already quite obvious to you, guys are just going to be lazier.
And it's not an excuse for them. It's an observation. Guys are going to be lazier
because they can't hook up. And if they can't hook up, they're a little less motivated to even try.
From Love U, men look for sex and find love. And if that's true, and are in the pursuit of sex and
in the pursuit of sex, they're like, “Oh, she's pretty cool, too,” this is going to slow down
some of their activity because there's no instant gratification for them and instant gratification,
they're not really sure what to do or whether it's worth it. And you know what? That's OK.
It's a self-selecting process. Saves you a lot of trouble figuring out if guys are players.
Right now, players are kind of out of business. Most of the guys,
if they're putting in some energy to getting to know you platonically right now,
they're probably distinguishing themselves from the players. And I think that's a good thing,
even if it lowers the volume and increases the quality. Now, presuming
that any man is willing to get on FaceTime or Zoom, might be a decent guy,
and if he's willing to put in a few hours of phone time in that first week or two,
how do you stay safe in this environment? Well, first, let's establish that we have
to create trust over the phone. The phone is everything right now. We have to create trust
on the phone. You don't want to interrogate a guy like you're a prosecuting attorney before
you go on a date. At the same time, you're well within your rights to ask
organically how he's approaching social distancing during the pandemic. And if you conclude that you
are a “masked at all times” woman and he's a guy who thinks this is an overblown hoax, well,
probably better to have that conversation now. Easier to pass on each other rather than to go on
a date and feel anxious that he's not following the same precautionary protocols as you are.
Now, if we've established that your guy is someone you can trust, then we have
the complexity of, well, what does that mean when we're going on a fiscal date? So, lots of women in
Love U are dating and dating successfully at this time, and they're using a walk to run approach.
Very deliberate, finding their way and to recapitulate some of the ideas we talked
about. They're not going on blind dates to some dude’s house without a mask, but they
are doing a series of FaceTime or Zoom dates. They're building up to social distance walks,
picnics, outdoor dining where it's applicable. If not, they're spending more time on FaceTime
because sometimes the weather is too brutal to even consider doing anything outside,
and sometimes they're even getting together in person for the first few meetings with
masks because, hey, it makes it possible if you're going to go inside of the guy's house,
sit six feet apart and wear a mask. So, reduce the option of being affected by coronavirus.
So, these are all practical ways of doing this. And like most things with coronavirus,
the data is a moving target. An individual risk tolerance varies. But at the end of the day,
if a guy is pushing you to do something that you're uncomfortable with,
just find yourself a new guy. There's always a new guy. What makes things the most confusing,
at least as far as I'm concerned, as an adviser, is hooking up.
In Love U, I'm always encouraging you to date like a guy, keep a lot of options open, see who emerges
over time as the leading candidate. Often in my way of doing things that would mean kissing more
than one guy at a time and covid changes that. And so, we have to be a little bit more selective
about what we do, and then, take a certain leap of faith that the choice you're making is a good one.
So, if you're looking for a timeline, here's what I would recommend. If I were in your position,
I'd opt to keep my options open, talk to a lot of guys, do a lot of texting on phones,
scheduling phone dates. And I would do that for two to three weeks without any physical contact,
nothing in person. Build up trust, see if you like someone, see if he makes an effort for you.
How much do I like him? How much does he like me? And what kind of effort is he making? How does it
feel in between dates? So, build up the trust at the beginning, see if you're both safe, and then,
two, three weeks in, and you could start with some of the physical stuff, not just jumping into bed,
but maybe having exclusive foreplay for two to three weeks while you suss out whether this person
is really a boyfriend candidate and then mutually determining
at the end of a month or six weeks whether you should dive into an exclusive sexual relationship.
What I don't want you to do because you're feeling lonely or because he's cute is get
into some sort of Covid relationship where it's essentially friends with benefits at a distance
just because the timing of this. We still have to keep our standards high. Yes, it's a way to
pass the time. And I don't judge you, but I don't want you emerging from this whole thing with some
suboptimal boyfriend for the past six months just because you fell into it during the pandemic.
Better to keep busy. Try guys on. Maybe it's only one guy a month
until you find a guy who is a really good fit for after this whole thing is over.
So, I know this isn't the definitive answer on this, but I hope it helps
you think through some of the complexities of dating a guy during social distancing.
Please share below in the comments if you agree. If you've had any other experiences,
that should be other women who are watching should be aware of. And I very much appreciate your time.
I look forward to seeing you again next week. My name is Evan Marc Katz, thank you for tuning
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