This is nice though.
Getting older as a young guy,
a couple of young people
like you in the middle,
you don't know what I'm going
to talk about in a minute.
You're not gonna understand.
I'm getting older.
You'll get it.
(audience laughing)
Sorry.
This happened last Tuesday,
I woke up my knee swollen.
It was killing me.
The whole day I spent thinking
about what I possibly
could have done
the day before,
because I am extremely inactive
so how did that happen?
(audience laughing)
I went to CVS, had to get a wrap.
All the like knee wraps
showed where you can still
be active.
Like every knee wrap was like
you could play basketball today,
you can work.
I'm like, I'm not going
to need that kind of wrap.
I'm going to need to be able
to sit and relax
as I watch TV. Do you have that wrap?
(audience laughing)
I went to bed that night
and woke up the next morning.
My knee was fine
like it never even hurt.
My shoulder shot,
couldn't even feel my shoulder.
I don't know what's happening
to my body,
but as you're old, you can't run
to the doctor every time
something twitches.
You'll be there every day.
The only time I go
to the doctor nowadays
when two things are messed up
at the same time,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, if I'm coughing
and limping at the same time,
then I go, it's like.
(coughs)
Why? Okay. Why?
Why is that moving?
(audience laughing)
I got to get that looked at.
I've been going to the same—
Like, over my life span
I've gone to three different doctors.
My pediatrician till I was 15,
then from 15 to 22
I was going to a doctor,
every time he would diagnose me,
he would give me
the same diagnosis,
swollen glands,
no matter what I came in with.
It was like.
(coughs)
"Okay this one is swollen glands."
Like did you?
I think it's pneumonia.
You want to get a better look?
(audience laughing)
He was giving me a physical once
he felt right here.
"Oh, this is swollen gland."
Like there?
There's a gland there? Okay.
Last time I went to him,
I had this knot right here,
just like right here
like this weird, knot in my groin
and I was 22 and very scared.
You know what I mean?
Like, please.
(audience laughing)
Get in here with
some mirrors and lights
and find out why
that's there right now.
He was like, "Oh, right here?
"Oh, it's a swollen gland."
I was like, is that the
last chapter you read?
(audience laughing)
So I stopped going to the doctor
until I was in my forties.
Now my doctor's only diagnosis
for me is you gotta lose weight,
every time.
(audience laughing)
"You gotta lose weight."
I'm like, are you trying to fight me?
'Cause I will punch you in your face
(audience laughing)
and if you check my glands,
how are my glands?
(audience laughing)
What if this is like a big, giant gland?
You don't even know.
Why don't you read my chart?
Do you even know your patients?
(audience laughing)
I was out of town once
and went to the Y.
I had to go to one of those
little, you know, those
like, ready-made
like, urgent care doctor.
Not like a real doctor.
It's like a strip mall doctor.
(audience laughing)
Pizzeria, dollar store,
emergency facility,
laundry mat.
(audience laughing)
I've never been there ever.
I'm sitting in his office.
He comes in the room and was like,
"Wow, you look horrible."
You don't know me.
This could be my everyday face.
(audience laughing)
I could be here for my ankle
you big jerk.
Just made me so uncomfortable.
When I got back home,
I made an appointment to
see my doctor.
I'm like, can you do some blood work?
Find out why I look so sick
to strangers?
(audience laughing)
He goes "We're gonna
"do some blood work."
He goes,
"You also need an ultrasound."
An ultrasound? How fat am I?
Am I pregnant?
(audience laughing)
"It doesn't work like that."
He sent me for an ultrasound.
I don't like, here's one of my things,
I don't like taking my shirt off
in front of people.
I'm very uncomfortable with my body.
I'm fat, I'm white, I'm very shiny.
(audience laughing)
Alright.
I was just hoping there was
old people, like an old doctor,
but it was two beautiful girls
running the machine
and I had to take my shirt off
and there I am.
You know what I look like?
You ever go to a pizzeria and
you see like the blob of dough
(audience laughing)
like the big blob of dough
and then they make little balls
and make a little pizza.
Well, that's what I look like.
I look like someone's
getting ready to come in
and pop out little pizza balls.
(audience laughing)
I'm just laying there fat, everywhere
(groans)
and she takes this jelly. It was like
(audience laughing)
I felt like she was basting a turkey.
(audience laughing)
I felt so much shame that day.
Go back to my doctor
and he goes,
"Yeah, the ultrasound was fine,
"but you do have a fatty liver."
Why would I not?
So my body's fat and my liver
is just beautiful, shredded.
(audience laughing)
Goes to the gym everyday.
Ripped, beautiful.
Beautiful ripped liver.
(audience laughing)
Week later he calls you back,
he's like, "Mike, your cholesterol
"and sugar are very high.
"You've got to cut back on carbs.
"You've got to kind of quit candy."
He just said it like duh.
Like, he didn't tell me
to get my family in.
Like nothing,
you know what I mean like
(audience laughing)
like let's bring—
this is some serious news
I'm getting ready to drop on you.
You telling me
I can never have another,
peanut butter cup?
You don't think my mom
should be here to hold me right now.
(audience laughing)
He's like, "Well,
"I need you to quit candy."
I'm like, well, I'm not gonna,
so what else can I do.
(audience laughing)
He said, "Don't you wanna
"see your children grow up?
"Maybe have grandchildren."
Like, absolutely, but I also
want Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.
(audience laughing)
Back to the lab, invent a pill.
(audience laughing)
You would think I'm quitting
Peanut butter cups
for grandchildren?
(audience laughing)
I'm not going quit candy for my kids
that are actually alive.
You want me to give them
up for a couple of maybe kids?
(audience laughing)
Hypothetical children?
No, I don't think so.
What if they're jerks?
What if I don't like them?
(audience laughing)
Now I have a resentment
because I quit candy?
It's not worth it.