LET'S GET INTO THE HEADLINES.
THE F.B.I. INVESTIGATION INTO SUPREME COURT NOMINEE BRETT
KAVANAUGH'S SEXUAL ASSAULT
ALLEGATIONS CAME TO A CLOSE
YESTERDAY, AND SENATORS WERE
ABLE TO START REVIEWING THE REPORT THIS MORNING.
THE F.B.I. REPORT WAS ACTUALLY HANDED OVER TO THE SENATE IN THE
PRE-DAWN HOURS.
WELL, IT WAS PRE-DAWN IN WASHINGTON D.C., BUT AS BRETT
KAVANAUGH SAID, "HEY, MAN, IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE."
(LAUGHTER) >> James: HERE'S THE THING:
ONLY ONE COPY WAS MADE AVAILABLE IN A SECURE ROOM AND EACH
SENATOR HAD TO TAKE TURNS VIEWING IT IN ONE-HOUR
INCREMENTS, WHICH IS CRAZY.
THAT'S LESS TIME THAN CONTESTANTS HAVE TO MAKE A LEMON
DRIZZLE CAKE ON "THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE-OFF."
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> James: I MEAN TAKE TURNS
VIEWING IT IN ONE-HOUR INCREMENTS?
THIS IS HOW ME AND MY FRIENDS ACTED IN SCHOOL WHEN ANDREW
PETERSON FOUND HIS DAD'S "PLAYBOY."
"IT'S MY TURN!" "NO, IT'S MY TURN!"
I'LL HAVE FOR AN HOUR, YOU HAVE ITS FOR AN HOUR, IT'S MINE.
AFTER THEY REVIEW THE REPORT A FINAL VOTE IS SCHEDULED FOR
SATURDAY, AND MANY EXPERTS THINK HE HAS A SHOT.
TO WHICH KAVANAUGH REPLIED, "A SHOT?
YEAH I'LL TAKE A SHOT!
(LAUGHTER) >> James: I'M 15 BEERS IN
ALREADY.
IT'S THE WEEKEND, BRO!" IN OTHER NEWS, ACCORDING TO
"FORBES" MAGAZINE, SINCE BECOMING PRESIDENT, DONALD
TRUMP'S PERSONAL NET WORTH HAS FALLEN OVER $1-BILLION.
THEY SAY IF IT GETS BAD ENOUGH, EVENTUALLY SOMEONE IN THE TRUMP
FAMILY MAY ACTUALLY HAVE TO GET A REAL JOB.
TRUMP HAS LOST A BILLION DOLLARS.
IN RELATED NEWS, THE MCDONALD'S DOWN THE STREET FROM THE
WHITE HOUSE JUST PUT IN MARBLE FLOORS AND A FOUNTAIN.
ING MOVING ON, A HIGH SCHOOL
CHEERLEADER IN MICHIGAN IS BEING INVESTIGATED BY POLICE OFFICERS
AFTER ALLEGEDLY GIVING OUT POT BROWNIES IN EXCHANGE FOR
HOMECOMING QUEEN VOTES.
FINALLY, SOMEONE WHO CAN GET YOUNG PEOPLE OUT TO THE POLLS.
CLEERP.
>> James: POTD BROWNIE NOT BRO NEVER MIND THE MARIJUANA, SHE
HAD ME AT BROWNIES.
BUT THE SCHOOL IS TAKING THIS VERY SERIOUSLY.
REQUEST THE CHEERLEADER HAS BEEN
SUSPENDED ON THREE COUNTS OF CAN
BEING CHILL AS HELL.
WHEN CONFRONTED, THE CHEERLEADER DID ADMIT TO THE CRIME.
SHE WAS LIKE, "I AIN'T GOT NO ALIBI, I'M GUILTY!
"YEAH, YEAH, I'M GUILTY!
YEAH, YEAH, POT BROWNIE!" (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
>> James: IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS.
POLICE IN GERMANY ARE NOW ON THE LOOKOUT
FOR THIEVES WHO SOMEHOW MANAGED TO STEAL AN ENTIRE VINEYARD OF
GRAPES.
APPARENTLY, THEY RAN A ING
PROFESSIONAL HARVESTING MACHINE OVER THE WHOLE VINEYARD AND JUST
DROVE OFF.
SOUNDS LIKE BRETT KAVANAUGH AND HIS HIGH SCHOOL FRIENDS ARE UP
TO THEIR OLD TRICKS.
CHEAPER.
>> James: I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW THIS IS POSSIBLE.
THEY STOLE AN ENTIRE VINEYARD OF WHITE WINE GRAPES.
AS A RESULT, PRODUCTION IMMEDIATELY SHUT DOWN ON "THE
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS."
COMING OUTSIDE AND FINDING ALL YOUR GRAPES HAVE BEEN STOLEN
PROBABLY LEAVES A BITTER TASTE IN YOUR MOUTH.
WITH OVERTONES OF RESENTMENT AND LINGERING HINTS OF RAGE.
AND A LITTLE CUCH OF CHERRY!
THAT'S WHAT THEY DO TO ME, I DON'T KNOW.
AND FINALLY, A PERSONALIZED GREETING CARD COMPANY THAT
ALLOWS YOU TO UPLOAD YOUR OWN PHOTOS, WAS FORCED TO YOU GO ON
TWITTER TO PLEAD WITH THEIR CUSTOMERS TO STOP UPLOADING
PICTURES OF THEIR GENITALS.
GREETING CARDS WITH PEOPLE'S GENITALS ON THEM?
I MEAN, TALK ABOUT JUNK MAIL.
I CAN DO THAT ALL BY MYSELF, THANK YOU.
IN THE TWEET, THE COMPANY REFERENCED THEIR TERMS AND
CONDITIONS.
THEY WROTE, "PLEASE STOP UPLOADING PICS OF YOUR GENITALS
TO OUR CARDS.
IT IS AGAINST OUR T'S AND C'S."
IRONICALLY, PICTURES OF CUSTOMERS' T'S AND C'S ARE
PART OF THE PROBLEM.
GETTING ANY CARD IN THE MAIL WITH A PICTURE OF SOMEONE'S
GENITALS ON IT IS BAD ENOUGH, BUT THE ONE YOU REALLY DON'T
WANT TO GET IS THE POP-UP CARD.