Do you want to know how to discipline a teenager with oppositional defiant disorder? Well,
you're not alone. That's a hard thing to deal with. I'm Nicholeen Peck and I have had children in
my home with oppositional defiant disorder before. We're going to just go ahead and
say ODD to keep things short. So I did treatment foster care for a lot of years
and I know how to deal with ODD. We're going to talk about that in this video.
In this video, we're going to be talking about what ODD is like and what you're dealing with,
and then we're going to talk about what not to do and what to do so that you can handle
it calmly and effectively. So let's talk about oppositional defiant disorder or ODD. This
is a very difficult behavior for people to deal with, and I know I've had, like I said, foster
children who had oppositional defiant disorder, oftentimes coupled with other disorders as well,
like ADHD or even sometimes bipolar, kleptomania, compulsive lying. It can be difficult to have
a person that you've got to handle multiple different types of problems with who does not
want to ever be told that they have done something wrong. They don't want any responsibility,
and they are going to push back against you no matter what, just because they enjoy pushing back.
So people who have true oppositional defiant disorder, they have a difficult time being
instructed, and this makes the parent-child relationship oftentimes get very damaged. It can
be draining to deal with a person who doesn't want to be told no, they're going to fight back every
time. They don't want to be instructed. They're going to fight back every time they approach life
with this war mentality. Oftentimes, a person with ODD has had some situations that have
led to this because a person can develop ODD because of their circumstances. So because of the
nurture that they've received or not received or some trauma that they've been through, or it can
be part of their nature, it is actually classified as a mental health issue that a person could just
develop because of the way that they process in their brain. I will say though, that all of the
youth that came to my home, because when I did treatment foster care, it was ages 12 to 18, all
of them that came to my home that had ODD had definitely been in circumstances where they had
experienced some form of trauma and that ended up becoming their protection mechanism, their go-to,
and they didn't want to let that protection down. They didn't want to be honest about what their
responsibility was in their circumstances. It took a lot of work, whether it's a habit of ODD or
whether it is a ODD personality that that's just how they are, doesn't really matter. What you do
is all the same. So we're going to get in what not to do so that you don't go in the
wrong direction as you're trying to deal with this and what to do as you're handling this
oppositional defiant disorder. But first, if you are dealing with oppositional defiant disorder,
this channel is the spot for you. Honestly, people who are dealing with very difficult
processing things, this is their happy place because finally somebody understands,
I understand. Do you see that subscribe button? You're going to want to hit that so that you make
sure that you get more of this content brought up to you on your YouTube homepage. That's what
happens when you hit subscribe. So subscribe now and don't forget the notification bell so that
you are notified when new content comes out because it is here for you, for every parent,
but especially for you. Let's talk about what not to do. When a child has oppositional defiant
disorder, the worst thing that you can do is fight back with them. Don't fight them. It
can't work. And to be very clear, when a child has ODD, if you get emotional, if you retreat,
like go to your room, if you fight back, if you get angry, if you get short tempered, all of those
give the message that their oppositional defiance worked. So don't do any of those things. That
doesn't mean however that you ignore it because you don't want to ignore their behavior either.
When you ignore a behavior for an oppositional defiant person, they also get the message that,
well, it worked. I got things my way. Nobody got angry at me or I talked back to them and
then they talked back to me. So it must work. That actually is ignoring it. If they talk back to you
disrespectfully or try to argue with you and then you talk back to them about it, that shows them
it worked. So don't ever talk back when they are talking back. When it all possible, you don't want
to ever have a power struggle with an oppositional defiant person. Let's be clear. You don't want
to ever have a power struggle with anyone. It's not effective. It's not going to help them learn
cause and effect very well. So they won't fix their behavior and it's not going to help your
relationship or your own feelings and your own stamina that you have to maintain in order to
handle the difficult circumstances of parenting in life. What should you do instead? So what should
you do instead? If you have a child that you are dealing with with ODD, you need to start getting
proactive. That is the most important thing to do. Number one, talk about ODD. Talk about what you
understand about it and by the way, I have other videos on this channel where I just talk about
oppositional defiant disorder. So if you need more help explaining it, maybe you can listen to
my explanation on those videos and you can explain it better to your child. So you might definitely
want to look for those. So first, explain what this is, or if you don't want to say you
have oppositional defiant disorder and you don't want to label them, then maybe what you would do
instead is you would say you are doing something called defiance. When a person is defiant, then
this is what they do. Anytime somebody tells them something, even if it's true, they push back. Now,
if a person can transition from oppositional defiance to just pushing back against things
that are untrue, then that is a step in the right direction. So that's where we want them to go.
They're going to transition from I'm pushing back all the time just because I like to push back,
and by the way, if they're truly oppositional defiant, they will push back against everyone,
not just you. They will have to be right in the center of attention all the time. So they're going
to push back all the time. Then if we can get them to transition to, okay, now they're only pushing
back when something is truly false and they feel like they have got to fix it because it's false,
then we get them to the point after that where they can actually handle a situation without
being angry and pushing back when something even is false. They can handle it in a more mature,
productive manner. So that's the steps we're going to take somebody through as we're trying to
help them handle oppositional defiance. Now, if a person is oppositional defiant by nature, meaning
they were kind of born that way, they chemically are driven that way to process in their head, this
is going to be a long tedious process. I just want you to know it, but you can do it. It's possible.
I have seen great gains with both oppositional defiant people who have had oppositional defiant
develop, and for them who were born that way and have always had oppositional defiance,
it's never going to be a quick fix because this is a deeply rooted habit. It's a rut in
the brain a person goes into. You're going to have to handle it with patience and which means you're
not going to take it personally. You're going to be calm yourself. This is super important
that you maintain your calmness, and if you need help with that, don't worry, we're going to get
to that in a minute, but you need to address it every single time. So you're going to talk with
your child. You're going to say, this is what defiance is and this is how I'm going to handle
it every single time. These are the words that I'm going to use. If you do not know the words to use,
I have them for you. So on my website, teaching selfgovernment.com, I have the TSG parenting
course. This is the best way, either this way or the Three Day Parenting mastery training,
which we do a few times a year. Sometimes they're online, so can join from anywhere around the
world. Sometimes they are in person, so you'd have to fly to where they are or get yourself there one
way or another. But those three day trainings or the TSG parenting course, which is online are the
best ways to learn how to correct the words, the script to use so that your child knows the script,
you know the script, and when you are using that script, they know they're not manipulating you
because you taught it to them ahead of time. There's a process that I will teach you how to
go through every single time as they get more extreme and more extreme. What is the process
you go through and then we are there for support. So there are support people on those courses and
trainings that will help you so that when it seems like it's not working, because at first that's
what it will always seem like. I promise you, I promise be because I've worked with that many
youth who struggle with ODD, okay, there's this learning pattern. They push harder at first to
the point where you think, really, is this going to work? And then they decide they're going to
start to learn and the learning can happen at all ages. The sooner the better, but it can happen at
all ages. So be sure to check those things out so that you can get that script that you need.
So once you have the script in place, you teach the children, this is the script. This is the
words I'm going to say every single time. Then you just follow through and then you teach them, okay,
and if we do that correction and it doesn't work, then this is what I'm going to do this
thing. That's this intensive teaching skill, which I teach for when they really are going
fully blown out of control. You teach them those words too. You practice it ahead of time. Now,
a truly oppositional defiant child is going to say, that won't work on me. That doesn't matter.
I don't care. I'm not even going to practice it with you and then what you do is you say,
well, if you don't want to practice it during this practice time, then that's okay. It's your chores.
We can just start doing the skills right now, and you can just learn them in real time and go all
the way through the process of that intensive teaching skill as well and earn all of those
negative consequences that you're going to earn because you will have laid all of that out for
the child ahead of time, or we can practice it right now so that you're more prepared to see if
when it's real time, I do it the wrong way because you'll be able to tell me if I've done it wrong.
That peaks their interest. Maybe they will practice just a little bit, right? There
might be a little wiggle room there, but if they go fully out of control, then just start
using it with them. Whether you're perfect or not, doesn't matter. You'll get better on it as
you go. I think this is the thing that people are always looking for that silver bullet for
the oppositional defiant thing, this is as close to a silver bullet. The teaching self-government
parenting system is as close to a silver bullet as you are going to get. I hundred percent guarantee
that because I have worked with those children. However you may end up finding that is still
going to take time. So I want to be as helpful as possible. I want to help you with your calmness.
I want to help you with this difficult behavior. I know what you're going through. It is a struggle,
but I also know you can do it. The fact that that person, that child is with you
means that somebody else knows that you can do it too. You can do this. You just need the skills.
If you haven't had the skills in the past, then you've been shooting around in the dark. And when
you shoot around, when you try to manipulate like that and they don't know exactly what's
coming ahead of time before you start to use it, then they will just manipulate back at you,
and that's probably where you're stuck. You're stuck in a power struggle and you can't get out.
So I want to help you with your calmness. I want to help you with your scripts, with your skills,
with your words. The TG Parenting Course or the Three Day Parenting Mastery is going to be the
thing for you for that. There is a coupon code that is on the screen. Go to teaching
selfgovernment.com. Type that coupon code in, and you can get money off on those
trainings. I want to help families like you, every family. Of course, I want to help have harmony,
good communication and unity, but especially when they're dealing with ODD, I know what it's like
and I know what you need, so go get help. The help you need. I'll see you there on that course.