G'day, A.J. Mahari here so had somebody on the channel uh leaving comments i think furiously
uh literally and otherwise like quickly and often talking about codependency
as if when i talk about it or maybe they think when anybody talks about it i think they were
here to tell me when i talk about it something in my videos or podcasts etc is blaming people
because there was a comment this person left like i said they left several all over different videos
saying the same uneducated thing which was that she said two minutes into this video
he or she said 10 minutes into this video and you're blaming codependence for what
borderlines or narcissists do or something like that and then they said i called bs
two minutes into a video that video i actually don't remember the name of it but
i would go on in the video to make it clear how codependency doesn't make what the cluster b does
your fault at all so i'm here to just straighten the record again i think most people hear me
but some people just don't um when i talk and then the other comment they left and there were
several but i just remember a couple the other one was most therapists don't want to talk about
codependency because it's blaming the person who's really hurt and then some
by a borderline or a narcissist in a significant other relationship or any relationship type well
a lot of mental health professionals don't want to talk about codependency because they are so
um ensconced in and overtaken totally by the dsm 5 i guess with the tr now uh but there's they're
totally overtaken by that stuff to the point where like and codependency isn't in that book that
bible of american psychiatric often claptrap and pathologizing of humanity it doesn't help anybody
understand much better you know like that's my view anyway i mean i guess it has its purpose
to a point but beyond that no and the labels and like the pathologizing continually of people etc
well here's the thing very simple codependency is a mental health challenge too codependency has its
roots in childhood adverse experience or worse and codependency as i've even said in my codependency
insider podcast i've said in other videos is not a blame or shame word what codependency is and
means is not people's fault because it happens in childhood unmet needs adverse experience and worse
is what creates causes codependency in people's lives not everybody that has codependency has
all of what that can mean some people have it you know as i've said before really
um what's the word moderately some people have it significantly some people have it very severely
and that gets into a whole different realm but the point is i have never said nor would i ever
say that if somebody is codependent that they are in any way responsible whatsoever
for what a borderline or narcissist does or how they've hurt them how they've treated them how the
relationships rupture the ghosting the discarding etc no that that is the responsibility though they
can't take it untreated with bpd or narcissists in general that is their responsibility how they
behave what they at how they act what they say what they do that's always the responsibility
of the cluster bees though they don't usually know that or take responsibility for that
but that doesn't matter because people with codependency getting really hurt by it could be
a parent with bpd or npd um and or a significant other so or or a different relationship type so
when i'm talking about codependency i only speak for myself it's not about blame at all
and i'm just in the middle of a workday and i was just working with a client where i was
underscoring this for the client that wanted them to rest assured that what i was telling them about
it not being their fault why they got discarded by someone that i wasn't just saying that because
it would be what they wanted to hear because if you watch his channel and you watch more than
two minutes in a certain video turn it off and call it bs how intelligent is that anyway uh if
you watch these videos i put up here whichever ones you find because my message is consistent
and i am not ever blaming people with codependency for what's happened to them not in childhood and
not from any cluster b what i have said is that people with codependency need to in
significant other or other types of relationships sometimes even if it's a parent they have people
with codependency have a responsibility to get into their own healing recovery process
to work to heal to go no contact often if it's been a significant other relationship or
in many other relationship types low contact to no contact may be the only way forward
to healing so please know and i'm just reasserting this here because some people
gonna come along and say what's in their head not what they're hearing me say
or they're not even listening in the first place as to the one comment about two minutes into this
video well they didn't listen to the rest of it so however i was prefacing in the first two minutes
whatever i was laying out that i was going to talk about apparently they didn't hear the rest
so i just want to clarify that people with bpd and even most with npd they're all different but like
if they're not malignant there are a lot of people who have narcissistic traits
not everybody okay it's not like everybody has borderline traits everybody has narcissistic no
but the thing is because those are only human traits pathologized anyways but
there's a difference but the bottom line is i don't even think that a lot of narcissists
are doing what all the channels say they're doing on purpose consciously maybe many of them are but
they're not all the same and so there's a spectrum within the diagnosis of narcissistic personalities
or as there is within bpd to where some people are not as severely affected as others and so then
there's you know the cobra fragile vulnerable type narcissist which is not a diagnosis but there's
all these different individuals with all this going on and the other thing i've always said and
will underscore here again is that whatever they are doing that is hurtful that they're not taking
personal responsibility for their inability to communicate or their just desire not to
uh they're running from their own adverse experience but their behavior
in any way that they treat you awful and horribly and just beyond belief and use you and manipulate
you and gaslight you that's not okay never okay and never your fault if you have codependency so
i think in a lot of areas other like mental health professionals are saying things about
codependency that isn't helpful not all but many because they don't have anything in their dsm
that they pay too much attention to many of them and that codependency isn't in there so what are
they going to do with it many will adapt and understand it many haven't and never will and
where is codependency going to go in terms of you know being further delineated i don't know
but as it stands now just know that even when you've just been ghosted or discarded
by a borderline or a narcissist and you probably have codependency because codependency is really
rampant in our society in western society and in culture and there's just a lot of other
reasons and there just aren't that many healthy families out there anymore raising children
there are some but but it's it's the lesser percentage of all right so this intergenerational
really you know bad experiences of feeling bad about oneself and having codependency that's
nobody's fault either that happens to people when they're a child okay and people with codependency
need to learn how to pay attention to themselves and help themselves out i've never
said anything anywhere to suggest that people with codependency are to blame for how
somebody else treats them horribly no not at all so you know if you're gonna watch a channel you
can do whatever you want but just know i i'm doing this video just because i think it's a good point
to bring up again to make more clear perhaps but i generally won't respond to those type
of comments because they're people that aren't listening and they're people that are trying to
bring to what i'm saying what everybody else is saying or mental health professionals say which
doesn't matter to me because i'm here to do what i do and i help clients the way that i help clients
and i'm not saying anything incorrect in terms of what codependency is or the fact that people with
codependency are not to blame so if you've just been ghosted or discarded the relationship's just
ruptured hey toby sorry the puppy still a puppy um or the relationships just ruptured it's not
your fault and i want to make that abjectly like incredibly clear take care