>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME, WELCOME.
THAT PROVES IT'S A LIVE SHOW.
WE WOULD HAVE FIXED THAT IF THIS WASN'T LIVE.
WELCOME-- MWAH!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," ALL MY FRIENDS.
I'M YOUR MOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND WE ARE LIVE AFTER THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE IN UTAH!
AND, FOLKS, IT LIVED UP TO THE HYPE.
IT WAS VICE-THRILLING!
WE'LL GIVE YOU ALL THE DEETS IN TONIGHT'S LONGR-UNNING,
JUST-THIS-ONCE TELEVISION EVENT.
>> SALT LAKE VICE.
THE RACE FOR SECOND PLACE.
KAMALA VERSUS PSALMALA.
A HEARTBEAT AWAY FROM IMPORTANT.
2020.
>> Stephen: PENCE LOOKED GREAT IN THOSE EPICENTER RADRILLS.
TRUMP'S DEBATE PROVED ONCE AND FOR ALL BY COMPARISON WHAT A
FLAMING TURD PILE LAST WEEK'S DEBATE WAS.
TRUMP'S DEBATE PERFORMANCE WAS A HURRICANE OF BAD FAITH.
IT BOARDED ON A DEMONSTRATION OF THE BANALT OF EVIL.
TONIGHT, ON THE OTHER HAND, WE WERE FACED WITH THE BANALITY OF
BANALITY.
I SPENT THE WHOLE DEBATE ON THE MIDDLE OF MY SEAT.
IT WAS EVERYTHING WE EXPECTED: PENCE TALKED OVER ALL THE WOMEN
IN THE ROOM, THE MODERATOR TRIED TO CALL FOR ORDER, THE VICE
PRESIDENT GOT A COUPLE LICKS IN, THEN SENATOR HARRIS PICKED UP A
BROKEN POOL CUE AND BEAT PENCE OVER THE HEAD WITH THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION'S FAILURES.
ALL NIGHT, PENCE WOULDN'T GIVE ONE STRAIGHT ANSWER, WHICH IS
KIND OF WEIRD, BECAUSE NORMALLY HE LIKES EVERYTHING STRAIGHT.
IT WASN'T EARTH-SHATTERING, BUT THAT IS HOW POLITICS SHOULD BE.
REMEMBER?
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO WATCH IT AND GO TO SLEEP, NOT WAKE UP IN
A COLD SWEAT WORRIED THAT YOUR HEALTH CARE WON'T COVER COLD
SWEATS.
BUT WHAT I'LL REMEMBER MOST ABOUT TONIGHT'S DEBATE IS THAT I
WON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT.
OH-- THERE IS ONE MOMENT THAT STUCK WITH ME.
YOU'LL KNOW IT WHEN YOU SEE IT, EVERYONE'S BUZZING ABOUT IT.
BUT LET'S EARN IT.
NOW, THE STAKES FOR THIS VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE WERE
UNUSUALLY HIGH.
UNLIKE PREVIOUS V.P. MATCHUPS, HARRIS AND PENCE COULD BE
TAKING OVER FOR THEIR BOSSES PRETTY SOON CONSIDERING THAT
BIDEN IS A 77-YEAR-OLD MAN AND TRUMP IS A 74-YEAR-OLD LAWN
SPRINKLER FULL OF PATHOGENS.
IN FACT, BECAUSE OF THE INFECTION RISK, EXTRA
PRECAUTIONS WERE TAKEN, LIKE THESE PLEXIGLASS BARRIERS.
GOTTA SAY, I'VE SEEN BETTER SNEEZE-GUARDS AT THE SIZZLER
SALAD BAR.
OBVIOUSLY, THE PANDEMIC WAS TONIGHT'S PRIMARY TOPIC.
IT'S SOMETHING PENCE SHOULD KNOW A LOT ABOUT, CONSIDERING
HE'S "HEAD OF THE WHITE HOUSE TASK FORCE ON THE CORONAVIRUS."
AND HE'S DONE AN EXEMPLARY JOB AT HIS TASK OF FORCING THE
CORONAVIRUS ON THE WHITE HOUSE.
THE MODERATOR SUSAN PAGE START BIDE INTRODUCES HERSELF.
>> I'M SUSAN PAGE OF "USA TODAY."
( AS SUSAN )
UNDER YOUR HOTEL ROOM DOOR.
REMEMBER?
YOU USED ME TO CLEAN UP THAT COFFEE SPILL."
RIGHT OFF THE BEAN, HARRIS REMINDED VOTERS THAT TRUMP AND
PENCE WERE TOO SLOW TO RESPOND TO THIS DEADLY VIRUS.
>> ON JANUARY 28, THE VICE PRESIDENT AND THE PRESIDENT WERE
INFORMED ABOUT THE NATURE OF THIS PANDEMIC.
CAN YOU IMAGINE IF YOU KNEW ON JANUARY 28 AS OPPOSED TO MARCH
13, WHAT THEY KNEW, WHAT YOU MIGHT HAVE DONE TO PREPARE?
>> Stephen: FOUR WORDS: TOILET PAPER SHOPPING SPREE.
PENCE STRUGGLED TO EXPLAIN HOW THEY SHANKED THE CORONAVIRUS SO
BADLY.
>> OUR NATION HAS GONE THROUGH A VERY CHALLENGING TIME THIS YEAR.
>> Stephen: ADDING "I SHOULD KNOW.
I WAS IN CHARGE WITH IT."
PENCE STARTED OFF WITH SOMETHING OF A WHOPPER:
>> FROM THE VERY FIRST DAY, PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP HAS PUT
THE HEALTH OF THE AMERICA FIRST.
>> Stephen: AND BY "FIRST DAY" I MEAN THE FIRST DAY HE TESTED
POSITIVE.
AND BY "PUTTING THE HEALTH OF AMERICA FIRST" I MEAN RIDING THE
DEXAMETHASONE PONY RIGHT INTO THE MAIL STRON OF RAGNAROK.
AGAIN, PENCE DIDN'T ALWAYS ANSWER THE QUESTION HE WAS
ACTUALLY ASKED.
>> WELL, SUSAN, THANK YOU, ALTHOUGH I WOULD LIKE TO GO
BACK.
>> Stephen: TO THE YEAR SCEN 24.
WOMEN HAVE BEEN SHOWING FAR TOO MUCH ANKLE SINCE THEN.
PENCE ATTEMPTED TO DRAW AN INSANE EQUIVALENCY TO THE
CORONAVIRUS.
>> IT WAS 2009, THE SWINE FLU ARRIVED IN THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: OH, YES!
THE SWINE FLU PANDEMIC OF 2009!
WE ALL REMEMBER THOSE DAYS WHEN THE ECONOMY SHUT DOWN FOR A
YEAR.
WE COULDN'T HUG OUR GRANDPARENTS FOR MONTHS, AND BARACK OBAMA
WOULD NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THE MY PILLOW GUY.
THEN CAPTAIN PENCE BLASTED OFF TO PLANET "WHAT IF."
>> IF THE SWINE FLU HAD BEEN AS LETHAL AS THE CORONAVIRUS IN
2009, WHEN JOE BIDEN WAS VICE PRESIDENT, WE WOULD HAVE LOST
TWO MILLION AMERICAN LIVES.
>> Stephen: AND IF THE "TITANIC" HAD BEEN SHOT OUT OF A
CATAPULT INSTEAD OF PUSHED INTO THE SEA, IT COULD HAVE COLLIDED
WITH THE HIDDEN BERG, KILLING BILLIONS.
ON THE SUBJECT OF CLIMATE CHANGE, PENCE MADE ANOTHER
HOLLOW PROMISE.
>> WE'RE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF OUR ENVIRONMENT AND FOLLOW THE
OUR
AND ONCE IT IS ASLEEP, WE WILL SMOTHER IT WITH A PILLOW.
IT WILL LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT.
THIS MUCH I SWEAR.
THEN PENCE THREW THIS HAIL MARY.
>> "NEWSWEEK" MAGAZINE SAID THAT KAMALA HARRIS WAS THE MOST
LIBERAL MEMBER OF THE UNITED STATES SENATE IN 2019, MORE
LIBERAL THAN BERNIE SANDERS.
>> Stephen: WHAT!
MORE LIBERAL THAN ME?
IN 2019 I WAS ONE OF THE TOP 2% OF THE TOP 1% OF THE MOST
LIBERAL PEOPLE IN THE SENATE.
ANYWAY, THAT'S MY TWO CENTS, WHICH I BELIEVE SHOULD BE TAXED
AT 80%.
I MISS HIM.
( LAUGHTER )
HARRIS EXPLAINED JOE'S THEORY OF INTERNATIONAL DIPLOMACY.
>> I LOVE TALKING WITH JOE ABOUT A LOT OF THESE ISSUES.
AND, YOU KNOW, JOE, I THINK HE SAID IT QUITE WELL.
HE SAID, "FOREIGN POLICY MIGHT SOUND COMPLICATED, BUT REALLY
IT'S RELATIONSHIPS."
>> Stephen: OKAY, RELATIONSHIPS SO I'M SUPPOSED TO
MAKE GERMANY SIGN PREUP IN, CHEAT ON IT WITH A PORN STAR AND
THEN ANOTHER COUNTRY WITH BIGGER ALPSTRUMP'S TERRIBLE ATTITUDE
TOWARDS AMERICAN SERVICE MEMBER AND HIS REFUSAL TO STAND UP FOR
THEM AGAINST VLADIMIR PUTIN.
>> PUBLIC REPORTING THAT THEY HAD BOUNTIES ON THE HEADS OF
AMERICAN SOLDIERS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT A BOUNTY IS.
>> Stephen: I KNOW WHAT A BOUNTY IS.
IT'S A DAMN GOOD PAPER TOWEL TO THROW AT HURRICANE SURVIVORS.
HOW MANY POINTS DO I GET?
IT WASN'T AS BAD AS LAST WEEK, THE DEBATE, I MEAN, BECAUSE,
WELL, FIRST, WHAT COULD BE.
BUT IT BEARS REPEATING THAT MIKE PENCE WOULD ALSO NOT OBEY THE
TIME LIMITS.
NOW MATTER HOW MANY TIMES SUSAN PAGE POLITELY ASKED HIM TO.
>> VICE PRESIDENT, PENCE.
>> THE AMERICAN PEOPLE-- >> I DIDN'T-- DIDN'T-- VICE PRES
PENCE, EXCUSE ME.
>> SUSAN, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DESERVE TO KNOW.
>> Stephen: SUSAN, IF YOU WANT TO MAKE MIKE PENCE SHUT UP, YOU
HAVE TO ASK HIM TO SAY "BLACK LIVES MATTER.
NOW, SENATOR HARRIS LANDED SOME BLOWS, AND MIKE PENCE DODGED AND
PARRIED.
BUT ULTIMATELY TRVINGS A VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.
AND THERE'S A LIMIT TO JUST HOW INTERESTING-- OH, MY GOD!
LOOK AT HIS HAIR!
HE'S SO FULL OF CRAP, HE'S ATTRACTING FLIES!
I-- GOD BLESS YOU, FLY.
I GUESS THE PLEXIGLASS WASN'T HIGH ENOUGH.
BUT, LISTEN, LISTEN, ALL JOKES ASIDE, THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO
THAT FLY'S FAMILY.
IT'S GOT TO QUARANTINE FOR TWO WEEKS NOW.
WE'VE GOT TO GET THAT FLY TO WALTER REED.
THEN MINUTES LATER THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT A VERY IMPORTANT
ISSUE BUT I MISSED THE WHOLE THING BECAUSE THE FLY WAS STILL
ON MIKE PENCE'S HEAD.
AND IT STAYED THERE FOR OVER TWO MINUTES!
TWO MINUTES.
MEANING THAT FLY HAS A LONGER ATTENTION SPAN THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
THAT'S A LONG TIME FOR A FLY.
IT MADE LIFE THERE.
IT JOINED SOUL CYCLE!
YOU KNOW, IT MIXED THE BARS.
IT CHANGED ITS VOTER REGISTRATION TO MIKE PENCE'S
HEAD.
NOW, REMEMBER LAST WEEK WHEN TRUMP WOULDN'T DISAVOW, YOU
KNOW, HATE GROUPS.
WELL, MIKE PENCE TONIGHT, DENIED THAT TRUMP IS A WHITE
SUPREMACIST BY POINTING THIS OUT:
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS JEWISH GRANDCHILDREN.
>> Stephen: AND FURTHERMORE, SUSAN, I WANT TO POINT OUT THAT
I HAVE A BLACK FRIEND-- BY WHICH I MEAN THIS FLY ON MY HEAD.
( LAUGHTER )
PAINTING HIMSELF AS THE UNITY CANDIDATE.
>> HERE IN AMERICA, WE CAN DISAGREE.
WE CAN DEBATE VIGOROUSLY AS SENATOR HARRIS AND I HAVE ON
THIS STAGE TONIGHT.
BUT WHEN THE DEBATE IS OVER, WE COME TOGETHER AS AMERICANS.
>> Stephen: NO, DON'T COME TOGETHER!
STAY AWAY!
ESPECIALLY FROM MIKE PENCE.
THE WHITE HOUSE IS A HOT ZONE!
SPEAKING OF WHICH, THERE'S STILL SO MUCH WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT HOW
AND WHEN TRUMP CONTRACTED COVID.
ONE EARLY SIGN OF INFECTION IS LOSS OF SMELL AND TASTE.
BUT HOW COULD YOU TELL HE LOST HIS TASTE WHEN HE NEVER HAD ANY?
AND IT'S ESPECIALLY TROUBLING THAT THE WHITE HOUSE WON'T SAY
WHEN TRUMP'S LAST NEGATIVE CORONAVIRUS TEST WAS.
"I WOULD LOVE TO RELEASE MY TESTS, BUT MY NOSTRILS ARE UNDER
AUDIT."
THIS IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE THE NEGATIVE TEST CAN HELP CONTACT
TRACERS DETERMINE EXACTLY WHO WAS EXPOSED AND WHEN.
SO TODAY, REPORTERS PUSHED WHITE HOUSE FLACK BRIAN MORGENSTERN
FOR AN ANSWER.
>> OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW WHEN HE LAST TESTED NEGATIVE.
WHY WON'T-- >> I DON'T KNOW WHEN HE LAST
TESTED NEGATIVE.
I ANSWERED THIS QUESTION A NUMBER OF TIMES.
>> THE WHITE HOUSE KNOWS WHEN HE LAST HAD A NEGATIVE TEST.
WHY CAN'T THE WHITE HOUSE SAY WHEN HE LAST TESTED NEGATIVE?
>> LOOK, WE'VE ADDRESSED THIS.
WE'RE NOT ASKING TO GO BACK THROUGH A BUNCH OF RECORDS AND
LOOK BACKWARDS.
>> Stephen: WE DON'T WANT TO GO BACK THROUGH A BUNCH OF OLD
RECORDS.
THOSE THINGS ARE SLATHERED WITH COVID.
NOW, THE SITUATION IS RAISING MORE QUESTIONS THAN THE WHITE
HOUSE IS REFUSING TO ANSWER.
FIRST UP, THE WHITE HOUSE'S CLAIM THAT TRUMP WAS THE MOST
TESTED MAN IN AMERICA.
AND, YET, THEY CAN'T PRODUCE HIS LAST NEGATIVE.
THAT'S LED TO-- SOME TO LOOK FOR A MORE SINISTER EXPLANATION.
ACCORDING TO JAKE TAPPER, WHITE HOUSE OFFICIALS BELIEVE TRUMP
WAS INFECTED AT THE EVENT FOR JUDGE BARRETT ON SATURDAY,
SEPTEMBER 26.
WHICH REMINDS ME OF THIS WISE QUOTE FROM RUTH BADER GINSBURG:
"PAYBACK'S A BITCH."
THEN-- SOUNDED BETTER WHEN SHE SAID IT.
( LAUGHTER )
TAPPER NOTES THAT THEY WON'T RELEASE TRUMP'S NEGATIVE TEST,
RAISING QUESTIONS AS TO WHETHER HE WAS TESTED AT ALL BETWEEN
INFECTION AND THE DEBATE TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29.
THAT MEANS HE COULD HAVE KNOWINGLY TRIED TO GIVE BIDEN
COVID.
HE'S GONE FROM "I COULD SHOOT SOMEONE ON FIFTH AVENUE" TO "I
AM DEATH COME UPON A PALE HORSE.
JOE, LET ME LICK YOUR EYEBALL."
PREDICTABLY, CORONAVIRUS HAS BEEN TEARING THROUGH THE WHITE
HOUSE FASTER THAN MONO IN A HIGH SCHOOL PRODUCTION OF "GUYS AND
DOLLS," INCLUDE TRUMP SENIOR ADVISER, AND GUY ON A SUBWAY,
STEPHAN MILLER.
LAST NIGHT, MILLER THE ARCHITECT OF TRUMP'S FAMILY SEPARATION
POLICY ANNOUNCED HE HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR COVID-19, AND MORE
ALARMINGLY, COVID-19 HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR STEPHEN MILLER.
NOW THAT HE'S TESTED POSITIVE, MILLER HAS TAKEN HIS ISOLATION
UP A NOTCH SAYING, "I AM IN QUARANTINE."
OH, IF HE'S LOOKING FOR SOMEWHERE NICE AND SOCIALLY
DISTANCED, I KNOW A SECURE LOCATION DOWN ON THE BORDER.
FUN FACT: IN THE LAST FEW DAYS, MORE PEOPLE IN TRUMP'S ORBIT
TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS THAN IN ALL OF TAIWAN.
A VERY USEFUL METRIC.
THAT GIVES THIS NEWS STORY MORE CONTEXT THAN HALF OF SINGAPORE.
IT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THERE'S GOING TO BE ANY SLOW-DOWN TO THE
SPREAD ANY TIME SOON, BECAUSE TODAY, THEY ANNOUNCED THAT THE
PRESIDENT WAS BACK WORKING IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
THAT SOUNDS IRRESPONSIBLE, BUT THE WHITE HOUSE SENT OUT AN
E-MAIL INSTRUCTING ANY STAFF WHO IS GOING TO BE WITHIN SIX FEET
OF TRUMP TO DON PERSONAL PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT PROVIDED IN
AN ISOLATION CART, INCLUDING A YELLOW GOWN, SURGICAL MASK,
PROTECTIVE EYEWEAR, AND GLOVES.
ALSO, STANDARD ISSUE FOR ALL TACO BOWL TUESDAYS.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MAYOR PETE BUTTIGEIG IS HERE.
STICK AROUND.