Zombie apocalypse. It's simple, they're just an easily defeated opponent,
they're a worse version of normal people.
Who you also dominate.
I would be the terror of zombie town.
Doesn’t that kind of depend on what kind of zombies you’re talking about?
Ooookay.
There’s only one type of zombie.
No, I mean if you’re talking about the 28 Days Later type of zombie-
The slow, mindless, disorganized-
There’s a lot of other-
Okay! If you’re going to get into every Tom, Dick and rage-virus’s reimagining of zombies we will be here all
night. Romero zombies are the only zombies, we literally CANNOT advance this conversation otherwise.
And you’ve driven another woman away from us.
She didn’t even take my order.
But back to Soren. You want a zombie apocalypse? What if you get bit?
(Soren) Oh no that’s no problem. I won’t.
We’re doing hypotheticals here, you can’t just say “no”.
If we were in a zombie movie right now, who’s the likeliest candidate for a strong-willed,
selfless, zombie-defeating protagonist?
(Michael) Soren. (Katie) It would be you.
If I get bit by a zombie, you’ve all been zombies for weeks. Months, for some of you.
Sure.
So...?
So it’s win-win for me. Okay, on one end, I’m leading a team of strangers turned unlikely heroes
in a vicious battle. And on the other end, if I am bit-
then suddenly the winning team has a franchise player.
I would be the worst zombie any of you could ever encounter.
I would get their ranks in line,
I would efficiently take out the rest of the humans, I might even come up with a renewable source of brains.
You think we would die first, separately? I always figured we’d be... like a team.
Dan, I’m a survivor, I play to win. I can’t risk you slowing me down, or you falling in love with me,
or you trying to trade me to the zombies in exchange for leniency.
I was just thinking that exact thing!
You know, I don’t think I’d want to fight zombies.
Well, no, Katie, nobody actually wants to fight zombies.
Really? Because it’s all I want to do now.
No, I mean for my apocalypse scenario. I mean I would like a war, because going out in a blaze of glory is
attractive, but I would rather it be against a robot uprising instead of a zombie army.
‘Cause robots don’t have human faces.
Yeah, they do, in their hideous robot claws!
Okay, but you don’t have emotions or feelings tied up with robots.
You clearly never had a Teddy Ruxpin growing up.
Okay, let me put it this way, I’m sure you all have already thought about
what you would do if zombies were to attack this restaurant.
Round up all the food and anyone who looks like they can fight, and get them up on the roof.
Wrap up all the zombies with my web and throw them into a train.
I’m Spiderman in mine.
Strike a deal with their leader by offering...
Dan as a trophy wife!
Okay, all of these are good plans, but no matter how prepared you think you are for a zombie apocalypse,
it's a different story when you're staring a loved one in the face that you have to murder and frankly,
I can’t take the chance that you guys would puss out.
I mean you all think that you could shoot Michael in the face if you had to, but could you?
(In unison) Yes.
I can’t trust any of you to pull the trigger when you’re staring at your best friend.
I mean it’s our inability to guiltlessly murder loved ones that will bring about our ultimate downfall.
We gotta get that on a family crest or something. A t-shirt for babies.
You’re all living in a naive fantasy world.
You realize she just called us pussies for not shooting our mom’s, right?
Robots? Are you kidding me? They’re giant metal monsters with no fear, no need to sleep,
and an insatiable appetite for man-screams. Yet you fight... why?
You fight to win.
So what would your apocalypse scenario be?
An asteroid. That is without a doubt going to destroy the world. I want the weatherman to come on and say,
“This just in, north- high front of meteors. There’s meteors in six days, it’s meteor time.”
You think a weatherman would break that story, not the president, or...?
I want and exact time limit, okay? I want total, unavoidable armageddon,
like in that movie Deep Impact. It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel like sticking it in stuff.
Yeah, that’s not how that song goes.
That’s why mine’s the best. No ones running, no one’s fighting, ‘cause there’s nowhere to go
and nowhere to hide, so what do we do?
Bone.
Bone City, Bone Central!
Anything to take our minds off of our impending doom for a few hours. Minutes, for some of us.
Sure.
No, we would survive, we would find a way. Like the rescue ark in 2012.
Alright, even if there are “rescue arks”, why the hell would we be on them? This is the real world.
There’s no Bruce Willis to punch the rock out of the sky, and there’s no Jeff Goldblum to come through in the 11th hour with a nerd solution.
Dan could be Jeff Goldblum.
Thank you! It’s not just any day, it’s Independence Day!
Bullseye Goldblum!
Alright, no one is Goldblum, okay? We’re gonna die, and soon, and if you’ll excuse me,
I’m going to use the remainder of my time mercilessly hitting on every woman I see.
Hey, the world’s gonna end tomorrow but that still leaves us all night long.
Hey, have you seen TV lately? All sports are canceled, and everything else is just video of people crying, put me in you.
Hey, no one’s gonna judge you, who cares if you get pregnant, and you’re not going to work tomorrow, get in my goddamn van!
Those are all reasons not to have sex with you.
Sex is the last way to scream “I am alive!” To make a connection with another human being.
Maybe even make a connection with someone, in the butt.
You know I’m right. Ass-pocalypse.
I think he might actually have a...
No, he doesn’t have an anything.
I won this conversation! One, give me one!
No, you’re saying it wrong, you’re not right, the way you’re saying it!
In a world where tomorrow doesn’t exist, indiscriminately sticking it may be his only hope.
I feel awful about what just happened.
That’s what she will say.
Hey, if Dan’s Goldblum, does that mean I’m Will Smith?
Soren’s Will Smith. You’re Randy Quaid.
That’s distasteful.
If you make me the alien I will punch you in the throat.
There’s a stripper in that movie.
There it is! You’re the stripper.
(Katie) I’ve never been a stripper, why-?!
(Soren) Yeah, but I think she’s the wife of Will Smith in that, so you’re not doing too bad.
(Katie) She’s a stripper. (Daniel) She's still a stripper...
(Soren) Look, you’re concentrating on the aspects of this woman that are... derogatory.
(Katie) She likes dolphins, remember?
(Soren) She’s married to Will Smith...