-It’s 442oons 5-a-side football -Europe
-Siu -vs South America!
-Vamos!
-Wagwan Arsene -Wagwan Jose
-Well done for getting the job as my assistant-commentator again
-Assistant?
-And an even bigger well done for still being alive
-What?!
-Don’t worry Arsene, you can have a little nap at half time!
-Damn you Jose!
The only time I fall asleep during the day is watching a Roma game.
-Haha, that’s the spirit!
-Hahaha, oh I’ve missed you Jose -So let’s run through today’s teams…
-Ronaldo captains Europe…
-MESSI!
MESSI!
-Grow up!
Oh, no offence Lionel -Mbappe starts in attack and will no doubt
ask for a transfer at some stage today He’ll be joined by Lidl Tammy Abraham
-Lidl Tammy Abraham - hahaha!
Do you know, I almost signed Erling Haaland when he was in the womb?
-Harry Maguire is in defence?
-WHAT?!!!!!!!
HAROLD MAGUIRE IS CERTAINLY NOT IN DEFENCE!
GO!
-HAHAHA!
PRANK!
-Oh, the look on his face…
-And in goal for Europe, Thomas Muller Do you know why I’m going in goal?
Because I’ve got a safe pair of hands!
HAHAHAHA!
-Lionel Messi captains South America and appears to have brought some fans with him
-BOO!
-SECURITY!
-BOO - GASP -PSG - their fans are almost as toxic as Arsenal
Fan TV -Hahahaha!
-Darwin Nunez seems to think he’s on the bench when he’s actually starting in attack
He’ll be joined by Vinicius Junior who so far has ended the career of 26 right backs
Maguirinho is in defence?
-WHAT?
Maguirinho is certainly not in defence!
GO!
-HAHAHA!
PRANK!
-Oh, the look on his face…
-ARGH!
ARGH!
-And Neymar Junior is in goal I can’t wait to see some of the diving saves
he’ll pull off today -And here comes today’s referee
Wayne Rooney -Hi guys
-That’s not fair?
He’s European!!!
-Wayne, do you know what European means?
-Erm, No -And where is South America?
-In America -Oh, fair enough
-The person with the most World Cups kicks off
-YES!
-Thanks for nothing Wayne!
-First team to score 3 goals wins.
The losing team has to do a forfeit.
-A forfeit?!
-Which is?
-Please not shag a granny…
-Dress like Sam Smith!
-NO!
-That’s not a forfeit!
-HAHAHAA!
-Do you know, when I was working as an A&R man for EMI, I nearly signed Sam Smith
-Erm, I have no idea what the time is, but let’s go!
-ARGH!
-I’m going to mess you up!
-FOUL!
YELLOW CARD!
-REF!?
I GOT THE BALL!!!
-That’s an early booking for Ronaldo -And I thought they were friends now
-Sometimes people hurt the ones they love the most
-You think?
OW!
-I think!
HAHA!
- -It’s Messi with an early free-kick…
-Argh my arms… maybe this safe hands joke wasn’t the best idea
-If the ball hits me Lionel, I’m docking you three months wages!
-Don’t worry, it won’t -GOAL!
-VAMOS!!!
-OH NO!
-THOMAS!
-Put on some proper gloves, lederhosen lover, or I’ll chop your hands off!!!
-You can take the man out of Saudi Arabia, but you can’t take the Saudi Arabia out
of the man.
HA!
-What a start!
-Unbelievable Jeff!
I mean, Jose…
-It’s Europe to kick-off…
-Ronaldo to Kane who thrives in this deep role!
Uhoh -Vinicius shoots!
2-0!
-Double yikes!
So much for using proper gloves…
-VAMOS!
-WHAT THE HELL HAROLD?
-Sorry Cristiano!
It won’t happen again!
-Cristiano, last warning - one more and you are off!
-What?
Shut up Wayne, you kebab lover!
-Third yellow!
You are off!
-But you - -OFF!
-Sigh.
You kebab lover…
-Red card!
-Ronaldo is off!
Just like most things when they go past their sell-by-date!
-HAHAHA!
-How will Europe cope with 4 men?
-Don’t worry guys!
I’ll coach you from the side like the Euro 16 final!
Watch carefully!
-What’s he doing?
-I have no idea.
Maybe he’s doing the audio description for deaf people.
-Hey Lionel, Ronaldo’s on the bench back where he belongs!
-Haha -I don’t think they’ve noticed Darwin
Nunez isn’t on, let’s hit their right side
-Great idea Erling!
-Thanks Kylian - Pep has really developed my link-up play
-Poor Harry Kane!
You’re just a Poor Harry Kane!
-GO!
-Haaland looks for Mbappe…
He’s through…
Goal!
-YES!!!!
-Neymar didn’t even dive - For once!
-HAHAHA!
-YES!
-Siu!
You followed my secret hand signal tactics to perfection!
In your face backwards South Americans!
-Why didn’t you dive Neymar?
-Kylian was nowhere near me - there’s no way the ref would have fallen for that
-You’re the goalie -You dive to save it, not to win a foul
-Oh!
So that’s why goalies are always diving around in the box!
-YES!
READY!
-2-1, that could be an important goal!
-Unlike the ones Mbappe scores for PSG!
-Hahahaha!
-Messi to Suarez -CHIP!
-Yes please!
-Vinicius shoots!
SAVED!
-JA!
-Good save Thomas!
-HANDBALL!
HANDBALL!
-He’s the goalie, silly -PELANTY!
-HAHA!
-He’s a goalie, silly!!!
-No he’s not, he’s an attacking midfielder.
PELANTY!
-Suarez has used the dark arts on the ref there.
That was never a penalty!
-To be fair, most referees don’t what a penalty is these days…
-YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING!
YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING!
-Red card!
-WHAT?!!!!
-You are off -But you -
-OFF!
-But you - -OFF!
-Me lolli!
-You kebab lover… you kebab lover -At least it wasn’t me phone
-Body shaming?
Oh that’s out of order!
-Wayne Rooney doesn’t care.
At United I asked him if he knew what BMI was.
-And what did he say?
-He said: isn’t that a Will Smith movie -Haha
-You’re a genius, Luis -I tried that once before.
I just needed a referee stupid enough to fall for it.
-Go Lionel!
-Don’t rush the run-up Lionel!
Don’t rush the run-up!
-Can Messi make it 3-0 against his nemesis, Thomas Muller?
-Hurry up!
The buffet closes at 3.
-JA!
-SAVED!
-Siu -WHAT DID I SAY?!
-Handball - take it again!
-What?
-WHAT?!!!!
-Messi will try again…
-Hurry up I’m starving
3-1!
-OH NO!
-If I was coach, I’d have put Zlatan as goalie
-Why?
-His nose would have filled the whole goal -Hahaha
-Okay, one more goal and South America win -What?
-It’s 3-1 not 4-1!
-Anymore backchat and you’re off -Haha
-Oh, that does it!
I’m coming on!
SIU!!!
-YOU ARE OFF!
-But -OFF!
-I’ll give you a new lolli -VRA review…
Red card rescinded -SIU!
-Oh come on!
-RIDICULOUS!
-Who do you think you are?
Barcelona?
-I’ll be taking that thank you
-You can take the man out of Juventus but you can’t take the Juventus out of the man.
HA!
-EUROPEAN FRONTMEN ASSEMBLE!
Not you Harold, you are in defence -Oh…
-Raise your hand if you’re a Ronaldo fanboy It’s time for one last dance
-Let me guess, you want us to pass the ball to you so you can score epic bicycle kicks
and headers?
-No.
Times have changed.
Both of you are the future of football.
It’s time I realised that.
I am going to…
I am going to pass to you so you can score -Really?
-Really.
Let’s do this -SIU!
-SIU!
-Shut up Harold, you’re in defence -Oh
-Kylian, 1-2!
-No, it’s 4-1 -Chip!
-Yes please!
-Haaland rising header -ARGH!!!!!!
-4-2!
-Siu!
-Messi plays it to Suarez…
-ARGH!
-Take that Barca Beatch!
Kylian!
-ARGH!!!!
-4-3!
-Siu -Who tied my laces together?
-Siu!
HAHAHAHAHA!
-4-4 -What?!
It’s 4-3 Mr Potato Head -Anymore backchat and you’re going off
-Haha -Next goal the winner then it’s time for
me dinner!
-Vinicius makes a run…
-Take that B-Tec Bale!
-Referee!
-Play on!
-Play on?
-I love WWE!
-Shoot Harry!
-You called me Harry!
Thanks Cristiano!
ARGH!
-ARGH!!!!
-Saved!
-YIPPEE!
-Handball!
PELANTY!
-What?
-Oh, no…
-Karma is a beatch!
-Do you want it Cristiano?
-We couldn’t have done this without you -No - it’s time to put Penaldo to rest.
Erling - let your hair down and finish this -What about me?
-Shut up Harold.
-Oh, please.
It’s not Hugo Lloris in goal…
-It looks like Erling Haaland will take the penalty
-Game over -This to win it for Europe…
-Hurry up -Shut up
-You’re going to miss anyway -Shut up!
-Top Tier distractions Neymar!
-Thanks coach!
-Hurry up, it’s almost 3!
I think -ARGH!
-Yippee!!!!
-yippee!
-NO!
-Wait a minute…
-YES!!!
-What in the name of flying pigs?
-SIU!
-That’s not fair!
-I’m not missing the buffet!!!!
GAME OVER!
-A European success!
-YES!
-Something Arsène knows nothing about - hahaha!
-Damn you Jose!
-We’ve crushed the South Americans again!
Just like our ancestors did!
-I can’t wait to see them dressed as Sam Smith!
-WHAT?!
-Why are you 4 wearing suits?
-We’re dressed as Sam Smith circa 2015 -Before they went loco and started worshipping
the devil -That’s cheating!
-No, it’s just the dark arts!!!
-BULLCRAP!
-Oh, and thanks for your help in the match, Darwin
-Que?