G'day, A.J. Mahari here with another installment of q a about people with borderline personalities
were and their effect on people and mainly significant other relationships but in any
relationship type commenter left a question on the video that i did bpd relationship breakup
recycle is is bpd and co-dependent need not healthy want and a commenter thanked me
for my knowledge and delivery found both to be helpful thank you for that and so the question
was do i think that there's room for this person or others to consider
that when a person when your ex with bpd has ghosts has discarded you or ghosted you for
the second time in a year that you should be attempting to resolve the conflict so should
you try to resolve the conflict with a bpdx so let me read the whole comment first of all
after they thanked me and and kind words i know you always relate everything to untreated bpd
partners okay for simple mostly no i don't but largely but i also say untreated or not
significantly treated and i know it sounds big but it's the best i can do in videos so and i
would think that as it will come up here that this person's partner was in therapy for a year
that's not really significantly treated and then the fact that they repeated their pattern
up to value discard again means what did what was happening in that therapy for the year because
it takes people longer to change some of these more ingrained patterns
but no change in a year of therapy is a big issue aside from the reality
that people need to see the big red stop sign that is go no contact so if you resonate with this
what if your bpdx hasn't even had any treatment is it going to make it any more reasonable for you
to try to re-address reoccurring conflict so they said my partner had been consistent with therapy
for about a year until the therapist left and he's not been um and he's been unable to find a new one
recently i've been devalued and discarded the relationship had been great apart from
it happening once before a year ago when the commenter asked to get back together
by as they said on a hoover but what they really mean is a reverse hoover
so they hoovered the person that was is their partner right now but was their ex
last year and got back together and then the question was do you think there's room to consider
that missing therapy can cause a bpd episode and attempting to resolve the conflict is reasonable
well i can't give like a one-size-fits-all answer to this but what i would say
is that it's a big red flag you know because a year of therapy depends the modality the
person's in it depends and i don't have a clue why the therapist left right like did they retire
did something else happen was it a breakdown in the process who knows so i'll give a little
bit more of an answer to this commenter and then maybe i'll just speak a little
more generally in a second here which is just an opinion because i don't know this person
right and if you're listening and this is relevant and you resonate with it i don't know you either
so keep that in mind it's very unfortunate that your partner hasn't been able to find
any therapist like right now i don't know if they're actively looking for one
right like i mean the commenter didn't share that obviously because people don't have to share
too much so the question could be is this person going to pursue therapy after what happened and
perhaps feelings of abandonment by that therapist which is all really unfortunate were they really
improving and and how long does it take because in some modalities of treatment i mean sometimes
people can make some kind of progress in three to five years that can really impact better relating
you know but still people with codependency have to have their own healing recovery process as well
you have to consider the damage done and for the same patterns to repeat themselves again it's not
really surprising after only one year of treatment and again depends on what the treatment was
and how well it was being engaged what did the person learn how did they grow because
they obviously didn't learn enough heal enough understanding up or grow enough to not repeat
the devalue to discard like almost a year later and again treatment for people with bpd depending
on the modality but according to dr john gunderson takes between 8 to 16 years and some people maybe
get significant work done like i said in three to five years
but that might make a difference in a relationship but it still won't make the relationship healthy
because the co-dependent needs to get their own healing and recovery done as well
and the person with bpd it can take quite a while to find consistency to find self see
i mean eight to 16 years is what dr john gunderson quotes and so the idea that people are much better
or relationship worthy or that you should hang in there with them because they're going to do
six months or a year of dbt even though that can really help people again this is just not really
what people should be thinking about because it's codependent patterns and this person said again
that you know everything was great except for like they got discarded into valued a year ago
and then they called they were asking if because he's not in therapy or he or she's not in therapy
would it be a bpd episode well yes it is but it's a big red flag like i said because it's the
second time and and this person was in therapy for a year don't know what happened don't like
don't know who they are but it suggests that they didn't get a lot of work done and so i think it's
really important for people in this position like to comment to focus on the negative for a
bit because they were saying everything was great except for these two to value discards well you
need to really focus on was it really what else did you go through how much pain is being devalued
to discarded the first time and then wanting the person back which goes to what i was talking
about in the video that this commenter made to comment on which is the codependent's unhealthy
need to to get the partner back it just as it in a different way for different reasons
it's unhealthy for the person with bpd to hoover the person that they just evaluated and discarded
so i suggested that and i would suggest to anybody who's in this position first of all
i'm not here to work with you if i resonate with you and you need to work with someone
people of codependency with these questions and all different iterations of relationships and
as the person been to therapy they had a bit of therapy not therapy and then the same thing
happens over again that's really a big red stop sign but codependents often don't see that because
the cognitive dissonance of this commenter with all due respect sounds very active so they're
remembering it was all really good except for two devaluations and discards so that suggests
they're not really thinking about the negative so i suggest maybe they think about that and what
was painful about that a bit more the fact that it was all great until they were devalued twice
and discarded twice well again big stop sign so the question i i would leave you with if you have
codependency is if this resonates with you and to the commenter what about being devalued to discard
twice and in this person's case the person had been to therapy for almost a year and in your
case maybe they haven't started therapy at all or maybe they're in therapy but just being in therapy
doesn't mean they're getting the work done you have to remember that part and how long the work
takes and then when somebody devalues you to discard and and they're gone that's when people
need to go no contact that's not when people need to be reverse hoovering as this commenter did
to get to get the ex back or to allow the bpd x at the time to hoover you back this is why
no contact is so important and so the question i would leave you with among other things here is
if you resonate with this rate or if you've been devalued and discarded this person
commenter was devalued and discarded twice within a year so how does that happen
and yet the commenter doesn't see the need to take care of themselves can you resonate with that
are you wanting an ex back or hoping to hear and get a hoover from an ex
because it was pretty good like like what i hear from clients all the time it was really great
until it was really horrible so do you think that that it makes more sense to pursue a relationship
whether it's ended once or twice or more times in that recycling that's hurting you more and more
and that is strengthening the ingrained repetition compulsion cycles within codependency it's taking
you in the wrong direction and you might not realize what's underpinning that for you if
you're a codependent and you have and you resonate with this and so that question again was how does
somebody get devalued and discarded and maybe hurt otherwise during relationships right during the
first iteration and the second iteration of the relationship maybe not as commoner but most people
so how do you do that experience that and hurt like that and not realize that it's time
it's a big red stop sign and it's time to take care of yourself and i know that what
i'm saying is easier said than done for sure and i asked that question of the commenter
and people in general who might resonate with this because i think it would be helpful
for the commenter and others to think about this and i asked a question in a very compassionate way
with no judgment whatsoever because when i'm speaking in videos i have to be so big and there
are so many moving pieces when i work with clients you know that i can help more with because i'll
hear more of the details understand more about the relationship and things of that nature but if you
think that after a really rocky relationship and then you know being devalued to discard and then
you maybe who reverse hoover them and they come back or they who were you and you let them back
and then it happens again so you shouldn't even go around that first time it's really that's the
place to stop that's the place to get into your own healing recovery process and definitely start
moving forward which is really really painful for so many people and a lot of that pain isn't just
about the relationship that just ruptured a lot of that pain goes back to family of origin and
the reason why you have codependency so i think it's really important that people realize that
it's it's not reasonable to go back and attempt to resolve the conflict like with a person with bpd
that created to devalue and discard or that hurt you in other ways and then maybe you got ghosted
or devalued and ghosted devalued and discarded it's not reasonable it's not healthy it's
codependency it's active significant to severe codependency and the fact that things can be all
so good when they're good and so bad when they're bad i would urge you to think more about why
that really matters no matter how much pain you're in if this resonates with you because you really
need to learn how to have a healthier relationship to and with yourself and to value yourself more
than to keep going around in circles with people with bpd because the other thing is even if they
are seeking treatment and this is like a boater like 95 of the time to 98 of the time you can't
hang around and wait to see if they get their work done you can't hang around and wait to see if they
will change and trying to resolve that conflict again and again and again is your codependency
so what is the conflict from your family of origin in your childhood that you really need to resolve
that's the question and that's what i'm out here to help people with so i hope that was helpful
i hope it gives poop a thought i hope that the commenter feels like it was a reasoned way of
putting it because as you know i'm here to keep it real to help you heal so there might be a little
bit of challenge in what i say but i hope that you realize i'm i'm really just compassionately trying
to help people to think about this in different ways because the more you repeat the patterns
and the more opportunity any opportunity that you give to the borderline to repeat the pattern
of how they hurt you you're living out something from your family of origin that might be not
consciously aware to you so the answer is it's not reasonable and it's not in your best
interest to pursue a person with bpd and wanting them back to get the relationship back
because as this commenter's experience is another example of and i mean that with respect
they cycle around and and when you go back to the relationship if you can or the x will come back
to you with vpd it just speeds up the cycle and these things happen over and over because therapy
for people with bpd to change these kinds of things and to be able to be healthy enough
to relate in relationships takes a significant amount of time and when a person is in therapy
and you're really hoping and thinking that'll make things better there's no way that you can
really assess or know if they're actually engaging the process and really getting the work done that
they need to get done and really doing some healing work that's going to really produce
change in somebody with bpd so i hope that was helpful and it's really important that people stop
wanting back what didn't work it's a codependent pattern at core and it's not in your best interest
and if you think you're hurting a lot now keep recycling with these people and you're going to
be hurting over and over and over again and every time people land in that spot
of ghosted or discarded again after devaluation it hurts even more you go back to ground zero
and remember people with bpd don't come back idealizing you they might show you something
like that in the hoover but look at my playlist on hoover's on the channel because that's all
about borderline hoovering you get what they need and in this case with this comment again with all
due respect question being asked is all about what this commenter not only wants the unhealthy
want of it all but the need that they have to try to make the impossible work out take care
you