- Feeling jealous is actually quite natural
but what happens when it starts to overtake your life
and damage your most precious relationships?
Keep watching to understand how and why
we get affected by jealousy and most importantly,
how you can stop it ruining your life
and ruining your relationships with the people
that matter the most to you.
Jealousy is nothing new.
One of the 10 commandments is about envy
and you've all heard the problem,
"I've got the green-eyed monster."
And in England, we have a funny expression called "Well jel.
"He's well jel or she's well jel,"
which means they're extremely jealous.
So it's all right to feel envious.
I remember someone saying to me once, "I envy you
"because you have a baby," but she said it with a kindness.
So we've always had this ability to envy other people
to feel jealous, to feel that they have more than we have
that it's not fair that some people have love and wealth
and looks, and we don't have that
but it's got somewhat out of hand because of social media.
Everyone on social media looks amazing.
It's what I call 'being overexposed
to fake images of perfection.'
We look at some people and go, "Look at them,
"they've got a perfect house, a perfect life, a perfect body,
"a perfect partner, perfect kids."
No, that's not true, but it appears that way.
And so jealousy tends to stem
from comparing yourself with other people.
50 years ago, it was a lot easier not to know
but now we are in someone's home, we're in their life.
We're in their wardrobe, we're often in their bedroom
because they tell us everything.
So we have more material than ever before
to compare ourselves with, and we just feel so bad.
So maybe you're just about to have a baby, and you're excited
but your friend is a hot shot lawyer, having a baby,
back at work in a week, she's got a perfect body.
Baby is perfect, and you think,
"Oh, I felt okay, but I don't now."
We feel okay until we start to compare ourselves
with other people and think, "They're better than me."
They have more than me. They're more fortunate than me.
And then we feel jealous, and then the jealousy begins
to consume us until some of us start
checking our partner's phone,
looking at other people's Facebook profiles
and jealousy is not at all confined
to your intimate relationship.
"I'm jealous of my partner, people find them attractive.
"They come onto them. I think my partner's cheating."
"My partner's looking at these gorgeous women or men
"who are better than me," that's bad enough.
But then we become jealous of our sister.
"My sister has always been the favorite.
"She can do no wrong.
"You know, I work really hard
"and my parents give her money
"that they don't give me 'cause she's feckless."
"I'm jealous of someone at work who gets more praise than me.
"Who's the boss's favorite."
But when we peel back jealousy, what is it really all about?
It's about you comparing yourself
and believing that someone else is better than you.
Jealousy feeds right into feelings of, "I am not enough.
"I'm not good enough. I'm not smart enough.
"I'm not attractive enough."
You know, many, many years ago, as a single parent
and I had a neighbor who lived in my street
and she was a model and she had a perfect husband.
He worshiped her; she looked amazing.
She had a perfect little girl
who was friends with my little girl.
She would always say to me, "You know,
"why is your little girl so bad?"
And I said, "Hey, my daughter's not bad.
"She's actually, what's called age-appropriate.
"You know we're out in the park
"and you shout to your little girl 'stop' and she stops.
"And my little girl keeps going
"and I have to shout 'stop' three times 'cause she's not a dog.
"She doesn't come to heal, she's a normal child."
But I always felt a little bit inadequate around her.
She was beautiful.
She had a perfect house, she had a full-time nanny,
and this perfect child who turned out
to have some issues later.
She was very, very introverted
and then her husband left her and then she got very fat.
And I'm not saying that to gloat
but I remember ten years later, she wrote to me and said,
"Hey, you know, your life is amazing, I envy you."
And I thought, "Isn't that funny?"
I allowed myself to feel inferior next to her
because she had a perfect picture book life.
Her life was like an advert.
Everything was perfect, but underneath, it wasn't perfect.
And there was I in the background single mother,
child that wasn't perfectly behaved,
and yet somehow, she managed to envy me.
When I was a single parent,
mothers at my daughter's school would say, "Well,
"you're so lucky not having a husband.
"I have to go home every night and make dinner
"and do the laundry." Well, isn't that funny they envy me?
I might've envied them.
"Wow! You got this perfect family life, the husband, the car,
"the job, someone else helping with the bills
"and I don't have that."
It's very easy to look at someone and think,
"You have a perfect life," but you have no idea
what is going on in someone's life.
You know, many years ago,
this stunningly beautiful Asian woman
stepped into my office dressed head to toe in couture.
She was breathtakingly gorgeous and my first thought was,
"Oh, I want to be you, I want to look like you
"and dress like you," doesn't mean I don't love being me.
And we sat down and she began to tell me her problem
that she drank every day and she had to stop.
And so I hypnotized her to stop drinking.
And she came back and said,
"Actually I've got a bigger problem.
"Now, you know, I'm married to someone I don't love.
"It was an arranged marriage, he's very nice.
"He's immensely kind; that's the problem he's a nice guy.
"And when he touches me, I want to die
"because I'm not attracted to him.
"I was made to marry him and I can't leave him
"because in my culture if I leave
"he will get custody of our children.
"So I have to stay in this marriage for another 20 years
"and the only way I can handle his touch is to drink."
And I remember thinking, "Wow, I feel ashamed of myself.
"I envied her. She's immensely wealthy,
"beautiful, immaculate, stunning.
"I don't envy her anymore.
"I'm free to do whatever I like,
"to be with the person, I want to be with,
"and to leave If I want to and to still keep my children."
So it's very easy to look at someone's life
to see the exterior, "They're beautiful, they're stunning.
"They're wealthy, they're talented and I'm not
"and I just feel inadequate in comparison."
So how do you stop it?
Well, you must stop comparing yourself to anyone.
You are unique.
There's no one in the world exactly like you.
There'll never again be someone exactly like you.
You are unique.
You have unique qualities, you have unique gifts.
And while you're busy looking at someone else,
you don't know how unique you are.
I'll tell you another funny story.
Many years ago, one of my clients who's immensely wealthy
invited me to a dinner party at her house and I duly turned up
and my friend who's an acupuncturist also turned up
and this house was just amazing.
I mean, it was so stunning.
When I went home, I thought,
"Oh, I thought my house was amazing, but now I've seen hers.
"It doesn't feel quite so amazing."
And then my friend, the acupuncturist said, "Oh, hey,
"last night I went to that house.
"I was so happy to be back at my house.
"I loved being back at my house, it's normal.
"It's cozy; it's messy, it's real.
"I couldn't bear to live in a palace like that.
"I would hate to live like that."
And sometimes I go to clients who live on gated estates
with three layers of security.
They live in kind of mansions that are so sterile, I think
"Oh no, I can't wait to come back to my normal house,
"my normal life because I don't envy that."
So you must look at first of all,
what are you envious of?
Is it someone's life? Is it their body?
Is it their children? Is it what you think they have?
And remember that all that glistens is not gold.
It may appear perfect
but it's no more perfect than your life.
You see, things don't make you happy.
A beautiful home, a beautiful body, a beautiful wardrobe,
someone making your juices, that does not make you happy.
What makes you happy are your relationships with people.
That is the thing guaranteed to give you joy,
a real person you're having a real relationship with.
And I do remember years ago being asked to visit
a very, very famous movie star in her Hollywood mansion.
And I went along,
and I went through the three layers of security.
Finally got to her house.
She had a butler, a maid, someone doing her laundry,
and I've never met anyone quite as lonely as this woman.
Her husband had left her, her children were grown up
and she didn't do anything, she didn't have to shop.
She didn't have to go to the dry cleaners.
I was like, "Wow, she is more worse off
"than someone who worked in a bar."
They would go out at night with their friends.
Someone who worked in a store or an office
went out every Friday night with the girls
or with the other members of staff because she was disconnected.
Her immense wealth, her immense privilege made her so lonely
I think she's the loneliest person I've ever met.
But I couldn't say to her, "Hey, you need to go out,"
because she had staff to do everything
but no love in her life and I didn't ever envy her.
In fact, I felt immensely sorry for her.
And we're always looking at magazines
about the latest celebrity whose relationship has gone wrong
when they're supposed to have it all.
And we look at the Kardashians and think,
"But that isn't real, that's not real it's fake."
So overexposure to fake images of perfection
can make you feel inadequate
because you're beginning the comparison.
"Here am I, I've got a home, got a job, got a body,
"got a partner, got a kid, but they've got a better body,
"a better home, a better partner, better behaved children."
So you're allowing yourself to believe something
that is not true.
You have no idea what is going on.
Stop comparing and look at what you have.
If you have love in your life,
you are already immensely fortunate.
If you have a home, you're fortunate.
If you have money to pay your bills
and put food on the table, you are fortunate.
Someone on the other side of the world is envying you
because it's all relative.
When I go to Zimbabwe, I feel immensely privileged
because I have a home, I have money.
I can buy whatever food I want,
and a lot of the people I meet there really can't.
So it really helps to go "Wow,
"while I'm envying someone who's up here,
"someone down here is envying me."
There is only one antidote for envy and jealousy,
and that is to stop comparing yourself.
Yes, that person looks perfect,
but who knows what is really going on?
"I am me, I am happy, I am enough, I am enough.
"I accept myself for being enough.
"I know I'm enough, I'm worthy enough, lovable enough,
"good enough, worthy enough just the way I am,"
stops you feeling envy.
And when you look at someone else,
remember you're looking at a mirage.
Yes, you're looking at Jennifer Aniston
with shiny glossy hair and a wonderful life
but both of her marriages have failed.
That's not her fault,
that doesn't make her less of a person,
but it means that she may be envying you.
You with your normal life and your laundry piling up,
and your kids smearing peanut butter all over the sofa,
she may think, "Oh, I want that life."
You don't know who is envying you while you are envying them
but envy is a green-eyed monster.
While you're busy comparing yourself,
you are diminishing yourself,
you're putting yourself down
and the best way to stop being envious is this,
every day wake up and think about
what you are grateful for.
Gratitude is the highest frequency you can resonate at
and when you say, "I'm so grateful, I'm here.
"I'm grateful I'm healthy, I'm grateful I've got a great job,
"I'm grateful I have love." Gratitude is amazing.
So when I went to this millionaire's amazing house,
I came home and I thought, "Oh,
"my house looks really average now."
But a few months later I took my daughter
to feed homeless people in London
who were sleeping under bridges and when I came home,
I thought "Wow, I feel like I live in a palace.
"I've got a bed, I've got sheets, I've got heating.
"I've got a fridge full of food, how lucky am I?"
So start off from gratitude.
Every day think about, "What am I grateful for?
"I'm grateful I have kids that don't put the lids on things.
"I go to pick up a jar, and it smashes.
"I'm grateful I have kids.
"I'm grateful I have a partner
"who leaves their underwear on the floor.
"I'm grateful I have a home where something is broken,"
and it may sound very, very Pollyanna
but you see whatever you focus on, you get more of.
When you're focusing on gratitude, "I'm grateful I'm lucky."
You cannot focus on "Well, they're better than me.
"They've got more than me.
"I want what they have and I can never get it."
The mind cannot hold conflicting beliefs ever.
It's a rule of the mind, it cannot hold conflicting beliefs.
Therefore, if you're focusing on what you have
and how wonderful it is, you have love, you have warmth.
If you have real friends,
you have people that want to be with you,
as you focus on that, you cannot focus
on what you haven't got.
So focus on what you've got, be grateful of what you've got.
Remember you're unique, there's no one like you,
there never has been before and there never will be again,
and you can't compare yourself.
At a wedding I was at once,
I had a rather overweight cousin
who was marrying a very skinny guy and my grandmother said,
"Well, she's found her lid."
Everyone has their lid.
You are someone's lid,
you're someone's fantasy dream come true as a partner,
as a friend, as a parent, as a colleague,
you are someone's fantasy.
Someone somewhere thinks you are the best thing
in the whole world.
See yourself through the eyes of your children
or your parents or your friends or your partner.
Stop comparing yourself, be grateful.
Remember, we are all flawed people
having flawed relationships with flawed people
that is the best you can ever be.
And when you go, "Well, this is great.
"That's good, you mean I can be flawed?
"I don't have to be perfect?" Yes.
Being perfect is the race you enter with no finishing line ever.
As you get near to it, it moves, and it moves again.
And I can tell you now without skipping a beat,
in 33 years my clients who are the most unhappy
are always the ones who try to be perfect.
They were also the loneliest because people don't like that.
They like warm real people with flaws
just like you, just like me.
Be yourself, be the best you can be, no comparing no envy.
You are someone's fantasy and when you know that
it changes everything.
So if you want to rewire yourself
and overcome feelings of jealousy,
envy, inadequacy, and unworthiness,
click the link below to listen to my hypnosis audio.