HEY, THANKS FOR BEING HERE, BIG NEWS, BIG NEWS OVER THE WEEKEND,
THE DAKOTA ACCESS PIPELINE WHICH THE SIOUX TRIBE HAS BEEN
PROTESTING FOR MONTHS, WILL NO LONGER BE ROUTED THROUGH THEIR
LAND.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> James: WHICH IS WONDERFUL NEWS.
REALLY, REALLY IS.
IT'S A BIG WIN FOR NATIVE AMERICANS.
AND NOW THE NEXT NINE BILLION, THINGS GO THEIR WAY, WE CAN
FINALLY CALL IT EVEN.
(APPLAUSE) BUT IT'S BEEN AN AMAZING MOVE.
PROTESTORS FROM ALL OVER THE COUNTRY HAVE GATHERED THERE.
I WOULD LIKE TO IMAGINE THE GUY WHO WAS LATE AND JUST GOT THERE
TODAY LIKE I'M HERE, HOW CAN I HELP?
WE DID IT?
YEAH!
THE NATIVE AMERICAN PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN PROTESTING ANNOUNCED
THAT THEIR FIGHT IS FAR FROM OVER BUT FOR NOW HIPPIES WITH
GUITARS CAN STOP COMING TO HELP THEM.
BUT THIS IS KIND OF A BLOW TO THE OIL EXECUTIVES WHO SAY THEY
PLAN TO REGROUP, REPLAN AND LOOK FOR ALTERNATE WAYS TO RUIN OUR
ENVIRONMENT.
SO WE LOOK FORWARD TO THAT.
IN POLITICAL NEWS, DONALD TRUMP HAS ANNOUNCED ANOTHER CABINET
POSITION, DR. BEN CARSON WHO RAN AGAINST HIM IN THE PRIMARY HAS
BEEN NOMINATED FOR SECRETARY OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT.
WHAT-- I JUST GET THE FEELING THAT TRUMP HEARD THE WORD URBAN
AND IMMEDIATELY DECIDED, WITHOUT DO I KNOW WHO'S BLACK?
WHO DO I-- TRUMP ACTUALLY FIRST ANNOUNCED THIS IN A TWEET.
AND IT BECOMES OFFICIAL AS SOON AS CONGRESS RETWEETS IT.
I THINK THAT'S HOW THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT WORKS NOW ADAYS.
I DON'T KNOW.
HOW DOES BEN CARSON EVEN GET THAT JOB.
HE IS A RENOWNED BRAIN SURGEON LIKE HE'S BRILLIANT.
HOW CAN BEN CARSON BE THE SECRETARY OF HOUSING AND URBAN
DEVELOPMENT T IS LIKE HAVING LEBRON JAMES CUT YOUR HAIR.
IT'S LIKE HE'S GREAT AT THINGS BUT IN THE THING HE IS GOOD AT
ISN'T THE THING YOU NEED HIM TO BE GOOD AT.
BEN CARSON'S LOAN QUALIFICATION TO BE SECRETARY OF HOUSING IS
THAT HE LIVES IN A HOUSE.
NOW CLEARLY THERE'S LOTS OF BIG IMPORTANT STUFF GOING ON IN THE
NEWS SO OF COURSE AMERICA IS OBSESSED WITH SOMETHING CALLED
THE APPLE CHALLENGE WHERE PEOPLE ARE ATTEMPTING TO RIP AN APPLE
APART WITH THEIR BARE HANDS.
LIKE THIS.
I MEAN, DON'T CLAP.
THIS IS THE BIGGEST WASTE OF APPLES SINCE MUM STARTED PACKING
APPLES IN SCHOOL LUNCHES.
BUT IT'S LIKE THEY SAY, AN APPLE AWAY KEEPS THE DOCTOR WAY UNTIL
YOU TRY TO RIP ONE A PART AND GIVE YOURSELF A HERNIA.
NOW THE APPLE CHALLENGE, AS LONG AS THE APPLE IS REALLY RIPE AND
THAT APPLE IS A PEELED BANANA.
FINALLY A MAN IN OREGON WAS ARRESTED AND BOOKED AND ENDED UP
POSING FOR A VERY UNIQUE MUG SHOT.
LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN NOTICE WHAT MAKES THIS MUG SHOT DIFFERENT.
(LAUGHTER) THAT'S RIGHT.
HE'S GOT A FULL BEARD.
HE'S GOT A PET PARROT IN THE MUG SHOT.
I HAVE TO IMAGINE THIS WAS AN EASY JOB FOR THE DETECTIVES.
DID HE HAVE ANY DISTINGUISHING FEATURES.
>> YEAH, HE DID, ACTUALLY.
THAT BIRD PROBABLY SAW THE PRISON AND WAS LIKE THIS IS THE
BIGGEST BIRD CAGE I'VE EVER SEEN.
WE DID IT.
WE'VE MADE IT, CRAIG!
WONDERING WHAT WAS THE CHARGE BEAKING AND ENTERING?
>> THANK YOU.
YOU'RE GOING TO REGRET APPLAUDING THAT.
JAY-WALKING.
DON'T CLAP-- BIRD DEGREE MURDER?
ARR-SON?
BIRD-GLARY.
GETTING A DU-FLY.
IL-EAGLE PARKING?
THAT'S IT, I'M DONE, THOSE ARE SO BAD.
(APPLAUSE).
>> James: COME ON.
I APOLOGIZE.
THERE WILL BE NO MORE FOWL PLAY TONIGHT.
THERE IT IS.
OH!