MY NEXT GUEST IS A COMEDIAN YOU KNOW FROM "LADY DYNAMITE,"
"BOJACK HORSEMAN," AND HER COMEDY SPECIALS.
SHE'S NOW WRITTEN A BOOK, "SURE, I'LL JOIN YOUR CULT."
PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
THE INCREDIBLY FUNNY MARIA BAMFORD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪
HI, MARIA BAMFORD. >> Maria: THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR HAVING ME. >> Stephen: I'M SO HAPPY TO
HAVE YOU BACK. PEOPLE OUT THERE DON'T KNOW BUT
YOU AND I KNOW YOU ARE MY LAST GUEST ON MARCH 12, 2020, WHICH
WAS OUR LAST SHOW BEFORE EVERYTHING SHUT DOWN.
WE ACTUALLY HAD TO SEND THE AUDIENCE HOME THAT NIGHT.
SO IT WAS JUST YOU AND ME AND THAT BALCONY.
JUST JOB OWNING. HERE WE ARE.
LET'S GO BACK TO THAT HAPPY TIME.
>> Maria: IT WAS RAW. >> Stephen: I'M SO HAPPY TO
SEE YOU ARE THE AUTHOR OF A "NEW YORK TIMES" BEST-SELLING
BOOK. "SURE, I'LL JOIN YOUR CULT."
>> Maria: THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. >> Stephen: THAT'S FANTASTIC.
IT IS PRETTY GOOD. FEEL GOOD?
>> Maria: YES, MY GOSH, DELIGHTED.
>> Stephen: HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO WRITE THIS?
>> Maria: ABOUT FOUR YEARS. >> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
IN A CULT? >> Maria: WELL, DEPENDS ON HOW
YOU DEFINE CULT. IF IT'S A GROUP OF PEOPLE,
LIKE-MINDED INDIVIDUALS WHO HAVE ODD PRACTICES THEN YES.
MANY. >> Stephen: FOR INSTANCE?
>> Maria: TWELVE-STEP PROGRAMS, EVERYONE KNOWS HOW
PROBLEMATIC THEY ARE. BUT THEY ARE FREE, FREE.
FREE IS THE PRIMARY -- THAT'S MY FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT
THEM. >> Stephen: ARE SOME CULTS
EXPENSIVE? >> Maria: THAT IS THE
WORRISOME PART. YOU DON'T WANT TO GET INTO A
CULT THAT COST ANYTHING, THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN FOR
SOMETHING TERRIBLE. SCIENTOLOGY, IT'S PRICEY.
>> Stephen: YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR, MARIA.
YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR. >> Maria: I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE GONE TO A LOT OF MEETINGS. I CAN GET A RIDE ON A HARLEY
THERE AND BACK FROM THE HILTON GARDEN INN.
THAT'S FREE. IT'S FREE.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO AN AA OR NA. I KNOW THAT IT'S A SECRET
SOCIETY AND I SHOULDN'T SAY. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME NOT TO
TELL EVERYTHING ABOUT MYSELF. >> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN
WONDERFULLY, BREATHTAKINGLY OPEN ABOUT YOUR OWN MENTAL HEALTH
ISSUES. ONCE YOUR ADVICE FOR PEOPLE WHO
ARE SEEKIN MENTAL HEALTH BUT DON'T --
THEM. >> Maria: THERE'S A LOT OF
MEMES OUT THERE. >> Stephen: MEMES.
>> Maria: MEMES. THEY SAY, YOU KNOW, ASK FOR
HELP. HEY, TELL SOMEONE.
THEY MAKE YOU FEEL... >> Stephen: SO IT'S YOUR
FAULT? >> Maria: LIKE AN IDIOT.
SOMETIMES YOU CAN TEXT A SUICIDE HOTLINE AND SOMETIMES THERE'S A
45 TO 90 MINUTE WAIT DURING PEAK SURGE HOURS LIKE THE SUPER BOWL.
I SAY LOWER THE BAR TO ACCESSING MENTAL HEALTH CARE.
CALL FREAKING ANYBODY. I CALLED HERTZ RENT-A-CAR.
THIS WOMAN PICKED UP ON THE FIRST RING MENTAL DOES GOING ON.
CLEARLY A WASTE OF RESOURCES. SHE SAID ALL I CAN DO IS LEASE
YOU A CAR. SHE DID SAY YOU KNOW IT,
SWEETHEART, I DO BELIEVE EVERY HUMAN LIFE HAS VALUE.
YOU TAKE CARE. COME ON!
THAT'S NOT MY THING. >> Stephen: A LITTLE SPARK IN
THE DARKNESS. >> Maria: I LOVE TO CALL THE
ANTIABORTION PEOPLE BECAUSE ALL THEIR LITERATURE SAYS LIFE IS A
GIFT. HAVE THEM TAKE THE TIME TO PROVE
IT TO YOU. [APPLAUSE]
SOMETIMES. YEAH, I'M NOT PREGNANT.
MY MOTHER WAS. THAT SAUCY LADY KEPT IT.
53 YEARS LATER, WHAT'S THE PLAN? I WOULD LIKE TO BE PLACED IN A
LOVING HOME! [LAUGHS]
>> Stephen: IN THE BOOK, YOU CALL YOUR FAMILY OR FIRST CULT.
I CAN UNDERSTAND THAT. >> Maria: YOUR FAMILY HAS VERY
STRONG BELIEFS. YOU MAY NOT REALIZE HOW ODD THEY
ARE AND TO LEAVE YOUR FAMILY. >> Stephen: THEY HAVE THEIR
OWN CODE WORDS. >> Maria: YEAH.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR MOTHER'S MAIN MESSAGE TO YOU.
MY MOM'S MAIN MESSAGE TO ME IN LIFE WAS "OH, GOD.
OH, HONEY. OH, I GUESS IT'S ALL RIGHT."
YOU KNOW, YEAH. THAT AND PAY PEOPLE.
MY MOM ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT TO PAY PEOPLE VERY
WELL. >> Stephen: AGAIN, YOU GET
WHAT YOU PAY FOR. >> Maria: WRITES.
>> Stephen: WHAT WERE FAMILY DINNERS LIKE GROWING UP?
HOURS WERE OFTEN LIKE QUIZZES. MY DAD WOULD QUIZ US.
THERE WERE 11 OF US. WHAT ARE THE THREE LAYERS OF A
GLACIER, MARIA BAMFORD? >> Maria: OH, GOD.
I DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: ICE, SNOW.
>> Maria: MY DAD, MY STORIES, I WAS ANGRY, I DIDN'T HAVE AS
MANY EXPERIENCES GOING ON. DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF HOT
MATERIALS I WOULD SET A TIMER -- HE WOULD SET A TIMER AND LET ME
GO 3 MINUTES BEFORE ANYONE COULD INTERRUPT ME.
WHICH IS LIKE COMEDY. >> Stephen: IT IS LIKE A SET.
I LOVE THAT STORY. KEEP ON GOING.
WHAT MY MOM USED TO DO, I WAS TERRIBLE AT TELLING STORIES.
I WAS ALSO THE YOUNGEST AND I WANTED TO BE LIKE THEM.
THEY WERE FUNNY TO ME. THEY HUNG THE MOON AND THEY WERE
WONDERFUL BUT I COULDN'T KEEP UP WITH THEM AND THE REFERENCES SO
I TOLD LONG RAMBLING STORIES ABOUT DETAILS THAT WERE NOT
RELATED TO WHATEVER THE POINT WHERE THE THRUST OF THE PLOT OF
THE STORY WAS AND THEIR EYES WOULD RULE AND I HEARD MY MOM IN
THE KITCHEN, I WAS ABOUT TO COME TO THE KITCHEN DOOR AND I HAD MY
MOM SAY "YOU LISTEN TO HIS STORIES.
IT'S IMPORTANT TO HIM AND HE LOVES YOU."
END TO THIS DAY, IF ANYONE ENJOYS ONE OF MY STORIES OR
APPEARS TO BE ENJOYING ONE OF MY STORIES LIKE YOU RIGHT NOW, ALL
I CAN THINK OF IS "MOM GOT TO THEM."
THEY DON'T ACTUALLY LIKE MY STORY.
I'M BEING REMINDED. I'M BEING REMINDED THAT YOU HAVE
A SPECIAL CALLED "LOCAL ACT" COMING OUT DECEMBER 12.
I'M BEING TOLD I'M IN IT IN SOME WAY.
WOULD YOU MIND IF WE SHOW THIS. EVIDENTLY THIS HAS SOMETHING TO
DO WITH ME. >> WHAT IS THE MOST BALLER
MOMENT IN YOUR CAREER? OKAY, SOMEHOW MORE SHAMEFUL,
STEPHEN COLBERT SAID ABOUT EIGHT YEARS BACK I WAS THE FUNNIEST
COMEDIAN ON EARTH. TWO YEARS LATER, HE SAID SHE'S
ONE OF MY FAVORITES, WHICH IS A PRECIPITOUS DROP.
>> Stephen: OH. >> Maria: IT'S ALL GOOD.
>> "SUR, I'LL JOIN YOUR CULT" IS AVAILABLE NOW.
HER NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL,ú"LOCA" PREMIERES DECEMBER 12TH.
MARIA BAMFORD, THE FUNNIEST PERSON IN THE WOR
WORLD. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.