WELCOME, WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT IS FRIDAY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
AND IT'S BEEN A HELL OF A FEW DAYS.
YEARS FROM NOW, WE'LL LOOK BACK ON THIS WEEK AND THINK, "HEY,
WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET THE RESULTS OF THE IOWA CAUCUS?"
( LAUGHTER )
THE PAST SIX DAYS, I'M GETTING THEM ALL MIXED UP.
I'M PRETTY SURE MITT ROMNEY WAS ACQUITTED OF AWARDING THE MEDAL
OF FREEDOM TO SHAKIRA'S SPARKLY SHORT-SHORTS?
THIS WEEK, WE ALL ENDURED TRUMP'S STATE OF THE UNION.
NOT ALL OF US, BECAUSE THE SPEECH'S TV RATINGS WERE DOWN
2% FROM LAST YEAR, WHICH MEANS IF HE DOES IT AGAIN NEXT YEAR,
HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO PULL SOME TV GIMMICKS TO ROPE IN VIEWERS.
SO GET READY FOR "YOUNG UNION.
"THE STATE OF OUR SHELDON IS BAZINGA!"
BUT NOW THAT THE G.O.P. HAS COVERED UP TRUMP'S CRIMES, IT'S
UP TO VOTERS TO GET RID OF THE GUY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DO YOUR DUTY.
GOTTA VOTE.
I SAID DUTY.
>> Jon: EVERYBODY IS VERY HYPED TO DO THAT.
>> Stephen: I DID.
I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF:
>> YOU, OFF THE BOARD, OR I'LL COME UP AND DRAWING OFF!
♪ ♪ ♪ >> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.
>> WHY THE HELL DO THEY LIKE CHOCOLATE?
>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT TOOK A LONG TIME TO SORT OUT WHAT HAPPENED AT THE IOWA
CAUCUS, BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S FINALLY ALMOST SETTLED.
I'M SORRY, CHAIR OF THE D.N.C., YOU WERE SAYING?
"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
IN LIGHT OF THE PROBLEMS THAT HAVE EMERGED, I AM CALLING ON
THE IOWA DEMOCRATIC PARTY TO IMMEDIATELY BEGIN A
RECANVASS."
WHAT?
NOOO!
IOW-ONCE WAS ENOUGH!
THIS IS THE WORST REBOOT IDEA SINCE "LITTLE WOMEN 2: THE
REVENGE OF ZOMBIE BETH!"
WATCH OUT, MARMEE.
SHE'S COMING BACK FOR HER PIANO!
NOW, WHETHER THEY RECANVASS OR NOT, THE BIG WINNERS IN IOWA
WERE BERNIE SANDERS AND PETE BUTTIGIEG, AND THEY'RE
LEADING IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, TOO.
THEY'RE LEADING IN NEW HAMPSHIRE, TOO.
SO THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN'S GOING TO HAVE TO COME UP WITH A WHOLE NEW
STRATEGY.
( AS TRUMP )
I KNOW I JUST ESCAPED IMPEACHMENT, BUT I NEED YOU TO
DO ME A FAVOR, THOUGH.
IS THERE ANY CHANCE YOU GUYS COULD FIND A HUNTER BUTTIGIEG?"
( LAUGHTER )
THE IOWA RESULTS WERE ROUGH FOR JOE BIDEN.
HE FINISHED FOURTH, WITH ONLY 15.8%.
HE MADE A BIG MISTAKE WHEN HE ATTACKED IOWA'S STATE MASCOT.
>> CORN POP WAS A BAD DUDE!
( LAUGHTER )
FINISH WAS A TOUGH BLOW TO HIS CAMPAIGN, BUT THIS WEEK IN NEW
HAMPSHIRE, HE TOLD VOTERS THIS: >> AS MY MOTHER WOULD SAY,
"HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL, PAL."
WE ARE NOT GIVING UP.
>> Stephen: THIS IS ONLY THE SECOND STATE, AND YOU'RE
ALREADY ON "HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL?"
THAT'S LIKE BEING 10 MINUTES INTO A HIKE AND SAYING,
"WHADDYA SAY WE EAT LUKE FIRST?
HE'S SINGLE, NO ONE'S GONNA MISS HIM!"
HE'S ALREADY SWEATY AND SALTY.
HE SEASONED HIMSELF.
LET'S DO IT.
COME ON, LET'S DO THIS THING.
SLOW IT UP.
>> Jon: VEGETARIAN.
>> Stephen: BUT BIDEN ALSO RECOGNIZES HOW BAD THIS LOOKS.
>> I AM NOT GOING TO SUGARCOAT IT.
WE TOOK A GUT PUNCH IN IOWA.
THE WHOLE PROCESS TOOK A GUT PUNCH.
BUT, LOOK, THIS ISN'T THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'VE BEEN
KNOCKED DOWN.
>> Stephen: (AS BIDEN) "WHY, JUST TODAY ON THE WALK
OVER HERE, SOME MANIAC WRESTLED ME TO THE GROUND.
IT LATER TURNED OUT TO BE THE WINDBREAKER I WAS TRYING TO PUT
ON.
( LAUGHTER )
BIDEN IS SO OPTIMISTIC THAT AT A CNN TOWN HALL, BIDEN EXPLAINED
WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR IN A VICE PRESIDENT.
>> AS VICE PRESIDENT, I THINK IT WOULD BE WONDERFUL TO HAVE A
WOMAN OR A PERSON OF COLOR AS VICE PRESIDENT.
BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I'VE LEARNED FROM MY
RELATIONSHIP WITH BARACK-- I CALL HIM BARACK, NOT PRESIDENT,
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO CONFUSE HIM WITH THE PRESIDENT.
>> Stephen: DID YOU NOTICE HOW SUBTLY WITH BIDEN INSERTS OBAMA
INTO EVERY POSSIBLE ANSWER.
"DO YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?" "NO, BUT YOU KNOW WHO LOVES
FRIES?
MY FRIEND BARACK OBAMA LOVES FRIES.
HE USED TO SAY TO ME, 'JOE?'-- HE USED TO SAY TO ME, 'JOE?'--
HE CALLED ME JOE BECAUSE HE DIDN'T WANT TO CONFUSE ME WITH
VICE PRESIDENT JOHN C. CALHOUN.
HE'D SAY, 'JOE, THESE ARE SOME TASTY FRIES, AND YOU'D MAKE A
TASTY PRESIDENT.
LIKE ME, JOE BIDEN'S FRIEND BARACK OBAMA.'"
( LAUGHTER )
GOLD FOR ONE OF HIS RIVALS, FORMER NEW YORK CITY MAYOR AND
IGUANA REFUSING TO DO THE TRICK DURING THE ANIMAL SHOW, MIKE
BLOOMBERG.
BLOOMBERG HAS BEEN RUNNING AN UNCONVENTIONAL CAMPAIGN BY
SKIPPING THE EARLY STATES, AND HOPING FOR THE COLLAPSE OF OTHER
LEADING CAMPAIGNS, MOST CRUCIALLY, JOE BIDEN'S.
REALLY MAKES BLOOMBERG SEEM LIKE A NICE GUY.
( AS EVIL BLOOMBERG )
YES!
OH, DO TIRE YOURSELF SHAKING THE HANDS OF THE PAUPERS AS I WATCH
FROM MY GLITTERING TOWER HIGH ABOVE THE CITY.
SOON, I SHALL BE THE ONE KISSING THOSE PENNILESS BABIES IN ARMS
AND SUPPING UPON THE APPLE'D PIES!
ME: RELATABLE EVERYMAN MICHAEL "MIKE" BLOOMBERG-- WENTWORTH, TO
THE VELOCICOPTER!"
HE HAS.
HE CAN FLY HELICOPTERS.
>> Jon: HE FLIES THAT.
THAT'S INTERESTING.
>> Stephen: BLOOMBERG'S GOING ALL IN ON HIS PLAN, BECAUSE HE
JUST TOLD HIS TEAM TO DOUBLE HIS SPENDING ON TELEVISION
COMMERCIALS.
HOW?
HOW CAN HE DO THAT?
HE'S ALREADY ON TV ALL THE TIME.
AT THIS POINT, HE'LL HAVE TO BUY AD SPACE IN OTHER PEOPLE'S
COMMERCIALS.
GET ANOTHER TUB IN THERE.
SCRUB THEM OFF!
NOW, JOE BIDEN'S GOING TO HAVE TROUBLE SWALLOWING HIS NEXT
ONE, BUT THIS, WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SHOW YOU, IS MIKE BLOOMBERG'S
ACTUAL LATEST COMMERCIAL.
>> HE'S BEEN A LEADER THROUGHOUT THE COUNTRY FOR THE
PAST 12 YEARS.
MR. MICHAEL BLOOMBERG IS HERE.
>> LEADERSHIP IN ACTION.
MAYOR BLOOMBERG AND PRESIDENT OBAMA WORKED TOGETHER IN THE
FIGHT FOR GUN-SAFETY LAWS, TO IMPROVE EDUCATION, AND TO
DEVELOP INNOVATIVE WAYS TO HELP TEENS GAIN THE SKILLS NEEDED TO
FIND GOOD JOBS.
>> Stephen: WOW.
I THINK BLOOMBERG'S STRATEGY IS JUST STEAL EVERY OTHER
CANDIDATES' THING.
( AS BLOOMBERG )
TOP 10% HAVE TOO MUCH POWER, BUT AS MAYOR OF SOUTH BEND,
INDIANA, I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
IT INVOLVES MY DOG BAILEY, WHO'S GONNA GIVE YOU $1,000 A MONTH.
NOW LET'S BRING OUT MY HUSBAND, CHASTEN.
I'M MICHAEL YANG-BERNWARR-BOOTY.
AND BARACK OBAMA APPROVED THIS MESSAGE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT-- BUT-- BUT TRUMP'S NOT WORRIED ABOUT
2020 RIGHT NOW.
INSTEAD, TRUMPS IS LASER FOCUSED ON HIS REAL ENEMY: NEW YORK.
TRUMP AND HIS IMMIGRATION GOONS HAVE BEEN MAD AT NEW YORK STATE
EVER SINCE THEY PASSED "A LAW THAT ALLOWS UNDOCUMENTED
IMMIGRANTS TO OBTAIN DRIVER'S LICENSES."
AND TRUMP BELIEVES THEY SHOULD ONLY BE ABLE TO GET MARRIAGE
LICENSES.
SO--
SO-- >> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: SO, THE ADMINISTRATION CAME UP WITH A
WAY TO STICK IT TO ITS OWN CITIZENS, BY BLOCKING NEW
YORKERS FROM ENROLLING IN GLOBAL ENTRY, A TRAVEL PROGRAM
WHICH ALLOWS APPROVED PARTICIPANTS FASTER PASSAGE
THROUGH SECURITY AT AIRPORTS.
THAT IS THE CRUELEST PUNISHMENT IMAGINABLE: MORE TIME IN
NEWARK.
( LAUGHTER )
SIDE-- I'LL SAY THIS-- THAT DOES MEAN MORE TIME FOR ME TO
FINISH MY QDOBA NACHOS INSIDE THE LACTATION PRIVACY POD.
FOR AM I NOT THE CHILD AT HEART, SUCKLING ON THE NACHO TEAT?
"BE OUT IN A MINUTE.
I'M HAVING TROUBLE LATCHING ON."
THE ANNOUNCEMENT WAS DROPPED ON US LAST NIGHT BY ACTING HOMELAND
SECURITY SECRATARY AND NAME THAT A WOLF PRETENDING TO BE HUMAN
WOULD CALL ITSELF-- CHAD WOLF.
"IT IS I, CHAD WOLF, a MAN WHO LOVES HUMAN THINGS, LIKE COOKED
FOOD.
AND STANDING.
CHAD WOLF SEES SOMETHING ON YOUR NECK.
COME CLOSER TO CHAD WOLF."
( LAUGHTER )
SON, DON JR., SEEN HERE DELIVERING HIS CROWD-PLEASING
CATCHPHRASE: "GAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERS )
THAT'S MY FAVORITE JOKE TONIGHT.
"GAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH."
A HUNTING ORGANIZATION HAS JUST ANNOUNCED THEY WILL BE
AUCTIONING OFF A DREAM HUNT WITH DONALD TRUMP JR.
WOW.
I MEAN, SHOULD THAT EVEN BE LEGAL?
I MEAN, HE'S THE PRESIDENT'S SON.
OH, YEAH, SURE, OKAY-- THAT'S DIFFERENT.
HUNT WITH, HUNT WITH?
MAKES MUCH MORE SENSE.
THE OTHER THING WAS WRONG!
WRONG!
>> Jon: IT'S NOT HIM.
>> Stephen: NOT GOOD!
TURNS OUT, WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY BIDDING ON IS AN ALASKA YACHT-
BASED SITKA, BLACK-TAILED DEER HUNT WITH DONALD TRUMP JR.
THAT'S TOO MANY THINGS!
THAT'S TOO MANY THINGS IN ONE THING.
YOU GOTTA KEEP IT SIMPLE FOR DON JR.!
HE'D BE JUST AS HAPPY WHIPPIN' LIGHTBULBS AT AN OLD VAN IN THE
WOODS!
( AS DON JR. )
"I DON'T WANT TO."
"STAND BY THE VAN, YOU BUTT-FACE!
COME ON, CATCH IT."
THERE IS ALSO A PERFORMANCE FROM THE BEACH BOYS.
I FOR ONE CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR DON JR. SINGING ALONG.
(SINGING "WOULDN'T IT BE NICE")
MAMMAL ♪ FROM THE COMFORT OF A FANCY
YACHT ♪ AND WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF MY
DAD WOULD HUG ME ♪ I GUESS I'LL HUG THE DEER THAT
I JUST SHOT ♪
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!
JAMES TAYLOR IS BACK!
SWEET BABY JAMES.
AND WHEN WE COME BACK, HOW ABOUT SOME "MEANWHILE!"
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME "MEANWHILE."