The example your mother set for you
is one you don't wish to follow,
is one that you've been rejecting for so long
because at the end of the day,
you don't want to be like your mother,
but in trying so hard not to be her
you're creating all kinds of other issues in your life.
My name is Stephan Labossiere
certified life and relationship coach
here to provide you with
dating and relationship advice
today is going to be
life advice for women, all right.
We're going to be talking about this issue of
you don't want to be like your mother.
We're talking mommy issues, all right.
Before we get into that
please be sure to subscribe to this channel,
like this video,
share this video,
and listen, simple poll yes or no
let's be honest
do you have mommy issues? All right.
Comment below
yes or no do you have mommy issues?
Now, let me say this
I feel like we hear about
daddy issues so much,
but mommy issues get swept under the rug.
And it gets ignored for various reasons
and I feel like this is a topic
that I'm going to have to really, really
dive deeper into and have a much longer video for.
But this video today is a little bit shorter
because I just want to focus
on the simple perspective
of you not wanting to be
like your mother, all right.
And so, as I mentioned in the very beginning
many of you have grown up
seeing example by your mother
that you did not like.
So, one scenario can be
you grew up and your mother
was in a toxic unhealthy relationship
where she accepted cheating,
she accepted abuse,
she accepted so many wrong things
and so you've now grown up
rejecting wanting to be in that position
and there's nothing wrong with you
not wanting to emulate that.
There's nothing wrong with you saying
I do not want to walk
in my mother's footsteps
by being this woman who accepts
this kind of toxic relationship,
but you're not processing things correctly
and you're not resolving them
in a way that you can move forward
in a healthy manner.
You are carrying these mommy issues
in a way
they are now going to set you up for
unhealthy relationships.
It's crazy how that works.
You're trying so hard not to be her
that you end up either becoming her
or becoming an alternative version
that still finds herself
in an unhealthy toxic cycle.
You've got to recognize that healing has to occur.
So, now let's shed some light on the fact that
there's various reasons why your mother
may have accepted that toxic relationship
or in some situations
it may be your mother who cheated on your father
or your mother who've done...
Who did horrible things in your... In the marriage
or maybe even when you went to her
with allegations
or telling her that
someone sexually abused you.
And I had to mention I felt that in my spirit
because I know there's some of you watching this
who experienced that
where you were abused sexually
you went to your mother and she dismissed it,
she put it to the side.
And again, for various reasons she did that
but that stuck with you.
And so, now again, you so badly
don't ever want to be that
don't ever want to be the mother
who doesn't listen to your child.
And again, that is good
that part is good,
but what's bad is
you're not healing from that hurt,
you're not healing from the damage
of seeing what your mother did
or how even your mother treated you.
You've got to recognize these mommy issues
and sometimes or a lot of times
they're not addressed because society
or the people around you
has made you feel like
you're not allowed
to criticize your mother.
You're not allowed to bring these things to her attention
or you have tried and she has deflected,
she has rejected them
she has not allowed you
to speak your truth
in a way that brings
proper healing to the situation.
Now, there are ways
that we have to approach this better,
but please understand
it has to be approached.
Please understand you cannot
sweep this under the rug, all right.
If, and let me also say this because
even though this video is about
you don't want to be like your mother
speaking to the women specifically,
I do want to just say
we... I absolutely acknowledge
that there are plenty of men
who have mommy issues too.
But I'll do a separate video
for the men and their mommy issues.
We're going to focus on the women.
So, again,
you've got to heal from those things, all right.
And so,
I have a book called Love After Heartbreak,
but I want to give you at least,
the first step and a half
to get the ball rolling
rather than you just having
to go straight to the book
so that you understand
how this has to be handled.
Because there's so much to unpack here,
but I simply want to convey the message to you that
you cannot stay stuck
in the mindset of
I don't want to be like my mother.
You just have to get focused on
resolving the issues
of the damage and hurt within you
and understanding
how to process things better
so that you can move forward in a healthy manner, all right.
So, basically I don't want to
accept toxic behavior.
I don't want to engage in toxic behavior,
but if you make it about your mother
that creates a tension between you and her
that maybe you don't even realize it's completely there.
I've had so many clients who say well,
I'm okay with my mother
we talk every day.
Yeah, you all talk every day
but there's still this underlying tension,
this underlying awkwardness
in some people's situations.
There's still this level of animosity
that you're suppressing
and that you may be managing it
and to your believe you're managing it well,
but I'm telling you
it's wreaking havoc on the inside of you
and it's exactly what contributes
to you having unhealthy relationship.
So, before I get into those steps
I'm going to lay out for you
let me just paint this picture real quick,
you have a woman who
grew up in a household where
a mother accepted abuse
and she doesn't want to be like that woman.
She doesn't want to be like her mother, all right.
And so, now,
she gets into a new relationship
maybe even gets married,
but in trying so hard
not to be put in a position of,
of being vulnerable
or abused or whatever, all right.
Because you may be processing in a way that says,
oh, she was being submissive
and that submissiveness got her abused
and put in these toxic situations
when that wasn't the real issue,
but that's how you're processing it.
So now,
when you're in your new relationship, all right,
and your husband, your partner
is trying to lead in that relationship,
but in a loving way you reject it.
You reject it
not because he does not deserve
or he's not qualified
or he's not actually
looking out for what's best for you guys,
you reject it because
to you it's almost like
no, I already see visions of
how my mother was
I'm not going that route
so I'm going to fight back.
I'm going to reject,
I'm not going to allow myself
to have anyone lead me anywhere
because I can't trust men
to lead a woman anywhere
because I don't even trust that
my father led my mom wrong
my father did wrong.
So, how am I going to put that trust in another man?
This is how some of you are processing it,
but again, you're projecting
those negative things
onto your new partner or onto your husband
in a way that's going to deteriorate the relationship
or flat out destroy it.
So, again,
I'm kind of rambling on forgive me for that
because I just did this video because I feel like
this is a message that needed to be spoken
and again, I promise you we will go
even deeper into these things,
but let me give you some steps to start, okay.
Number one there's exercise
I call the who hurt me list.
And what you do is you get a piece of paper
and this is for healing in general real quick,
but I will bring this back to your mother
the who hurt me list
you ask yourself,
you write on a piece of paper who hurt me?
You ask yourself that question
and now any person who comes to mind
you put them on the paper.
It doesn't matter how long ago it happened
doesn't matter if you think it's irrelevant.
It doesn't matter if you think you've moved past it.
If they come to mind
when you ask yourself that question
you put them on the paper, okay.
Now,
seeing that this video is about mommy issues
clearly your mother is going to be on that list, all right.
And so now,
the first half of the next step
is you're going to write a letter, all right.
So, now you're doing this letter
to get things off your chest.
This is your chance
to have an emotional detox.
Many of you have held so much back
for so long and it needs to come out.
So, this letter is an opportunity
to flush out
all the negative energy.
Now again, it's a lot
to explain and break down
as far as how I want you to do the letter,
the specific way to do it.
But at the very least,
even if you never get the book
if you at least do those two things
doing the who hurt me list
and at least, starting with that letter
you're going to start moving on the path
of getting to a better place.
But I would highly encourage you
to get the book so that you can understand
the full process of it.
It's called Love After Heartbreak
I will leave a link in the description
and in the comment section, all right.
But again, it's important,
it's imperative that
you get things off your chest
and that you address
this underlying issue
that you have with your mother.
Do not carry it with you and think
you can have healthy successful relationships
and ignore this problem.
It does not work like that.
So, let's do what's necessary
understand that mommy issues
are extremely common,
way more common than people think,
but as I kind of alluded to earlier
society has created this dynamic where
it's almost wrong to say
a woman was a bad mother
or that she did anything wrong.
We criticize fathers all day long,
but mothers get a lot more of a pass
and unfortunately,
that has set things up in a way
that people aren't able
to resolve the issues
that they have with their mothers.
This is not to attack mothers in general,
this is simply to recognize those of you
who do have an issue with your mother.
So, if you're one of those people,
if you're feeling like
you don't want to be like your mother,
if you know that has been your mindset
please take heed to the message in this video
and start taking those steps,
get the book Love After Heartbreak
let's get to the healing.
So, again, I pray
and hope this video was helpful to you
please subscribe to this channel,
like this video,
definitely, definitely share this video
because even if this wasn't for you,
this is probably for a friend,
a sister,
someone you know
needs to hear this message, all right.
And again,
leave in the comments below yes or no
do you have mommy issues?
Let people see how common this really is, all right.
Thank you for watching
and I hope to see you in the next one.