(PEN SCRIBBLING)
(POKEMON GAME SOUND)
On the morning of the 18th, I believe it was Monday,
I woke up to a cramp in my calf, calf cramp.
You may also know it as a charley horse which is I think the more popular name for it.
I was tossing and turning in bed.
I was crying.
Boyfriend was somehow oblivious to the whole thing.
So, when something like that happens,
I usually think, 'This is going to be a terrible day.'
It's started off really terrible already because when I have a cramp,
it hurts very much to walk for the rest of the day
or not really hurts but it's very uncomfortable.
About 15 minutes later, after my boyfriend goes to work,
I check my phone, I'm just scrolling on Facebook.
I'm like, 'Ah, what boring thing happened today?'
Or 'What happened in Trumpland', you know,
'cause something always happens in Trumpland.'
And I see a post shared that said something along the lines of
"SHINee's Kim Jonghyun dies, confirmed dead," you know, by police
and I'm thinking, 'Oh, no.'
I'm jumping up in bed, I'm sitting up,
and I'm thinking, 'Please let it be something like...'
As terrible as this would be and I wouldn't wish this on anyone, just so you know,
but I was hoping maybe it was an accident, like a car accident,
some random spazzing health thing.
I even preferred if somebody else had done it
rather than finding out that it was a suicide, a confirmed suicide.
I've been around the K-pop world not as much now
but I started getting into K-pop when I was in high school, sophomore year.
Sophomore year, junior year of high school, something along the lines of that,
around the time that SHINee debuted in 2008, definitely.
So, I've been around it for a long time.
I basically grew up with Jonghyun and SHINee
and basically anybody else from that K-pop era.
So, the news of this hurt.
SHINee wasn't my favorite or anything.
I only liked a couple of songs.
But Jonghyun was my favorite of the group.
Like, he was the first one that I noticed, you know, when watching music videos.
To admit it, it was because he's pretty.
You know, voice was se...
I noticed the prettiness and then the voice was second to that.
But then, you know, it all comes together eventually
when you learn about a group, right?
So, you know, we kind of grew up together.
Myself and the other fans of SHINee, we all kind of grew up together,
especially those of us that are around the same age, you know?
He was 27 and I'm 26.
There have been quite a few deaths during this past decade in South Korea,
whether it be car accidents, you know, health issues and some suicides.
When that news broke for the other people, I was like, 'Wow, that's really, really sad.'
But sometimes it just doesn't hit completely or really hard
until it's somebody that you grew up with in a way.
So, this hit really, really hard.
And I was checking multiple sources, trying to figure out if this was true or not
'cause, you know, some people, you know, there have been hoaxes around, you know?
But this was the truth.
Like I said, I haven't really kept up with K-pop in a while
after all my favorites kinda, you know, disbanded and what have you.
I just didn't get into it as much.
To be fair, I didn't really get into music in gen...
I haven't really paid attention to music much in general except for a select few songs
for the past couple of years but, K-pop, it sticks with you.
Music sticks with you regardless,
so, when something happens, you're just kind of sucked back in.
K-pop for myself and a lot of people was an escape.
It was an escape from crappy times at school,
terrible house lives, you know,
when you had to deal with crappy people 24/7 growing up.
It was an escape coming home to new music videos and watching live performances.
Sometimes on weekends,
I stayed up to watch my favorites on a live stream which was always really, really great.
'Cause it wasn't an accident, it wasn't a car accident, it wasn't someone who did it to him.
Both terrible things but when... it's just a different feeling altogether
when someone decides that they're going to do it to themselves.
I understand the feeling, as someone with terrible mental health problems
who also struggles with suicide ideation, etc, etc, I get it.
At the same time, it's also like - why?
Something that's really hard to explain.
And those of us who have followed this industry for a while,
we all know how awful the whole mental health thing is in South Korea.
Places like the US and Canada, we're no better.
We're not that much better, obviously, but I feel like it's amplified in South Korea.
I really feel like it's amplified.
I was watching some of the memorial videos.
At the time that I'm filming this, the private funeral has not begun
but the memorial, the public memorial, has and it hurts watching those videos.
I'm kinda like, 'Why are you watching those videos?
'You know it's going to suck.'
Like, I'm still not believing that it's real
and I guess that's why I was watching them because I feel like, maybe if I watch it,
it'll finally kick in but I feel like it's still not kicking in, right?
I really don't know what else to say.
I'm very saddened by this and now I can't watch...
I've been watching 'Lucifer' again, 'Ring Ding Dong'.
I loved watching 'Ring Ding Dong'
and listening to it and making fun of it because it was just so fun to laugh at.
And I tried to do that again, you know,
because you try to bring a little bit of happiness into your lives.
It's not the same.
I couldn't look at it and giggle.
Well, maybe I could've giggled a little bit at it.
Rest in peace, Kim Jonghyun.
I'm sorry that the world has failed you.
I hope you get some peace where you are now
and, to the SHINee members, I'm very, very sorry.
Alright.
I'll see you tomorrow.