It can sometimes be really confronting to move through the process of excavating what's
underneath some of the habits we have in our lives. And today I wanted to share part of
a session I recently had with a client because it might help you begin your own excavation
process so you can begin to manifest positive change in your own life.
I'm Heather Evans, a self care and empowerment coach, working with people around the world
for the best advice on how to live your most empowered life and live your path of purpose.
Remember to subscribe to my channel and click on that bell to get notified when I release
new videos each week. I recently had a session with a client of
mine who I've had the good fortune of working with for a couple of years now. She came to
the realization recently that she continuously puts other people first, and if she doesn't
feel as though she is meeting their expectation or doing what they want, then somehow she's
disappointing them, she's letting them down. And that is feeding a story about her worthiness
and about how much love she has to receive, how much good she gets to invite into her
life. I took time during my session with this client to identify this habit, realizing that
it's one that's been established for a very long time, and then we took some time to identify
one of the first moments this was triggered. If you saw my previous video where I broke
down habits, patterns and rituals, you'll know what I'm talking about and if you haven't
yet seen that video, I'll include a link to it in the corner above as well as in the description
below. In that video, I talk about habits are the manifestation of underlying patterns
that are as a result of our mental, emotional, and physical states of being. By identifying
where this pattern came from in her life, we were able to then discern and see the truth
in the reality that if she speaks her truth, if she lives in alignment with her truth,
she's actually no longer disappointing anyone and she's not letting anyone down. In fact,
if she continues this habit of only doing or showing up for others thinking that she's
meeting their needs, the only person that she's truly disappointing is herself.
I think what touching on is a big facet of when we are ready to up level in different
ways in our life, when we're going through a shift or transformation, one of the biggest
spaces and places of letting go is with people, is with people who I either have expectations
of us or a story about us and who we are and how we show up that's been based on the reality
of how we've been showing up and how we've been, but also the expectation that comes
from ourselves around how we show up for others. If I don't put them first, then somehow I'm
a horrible person. One of your patterns, and this is coming up quite a bit right now, is
this idea that if I don't show up somehow I'm disappointing you, I'm letting you down,
I'm failing you. I... And that translates into a story you have about yourself and I'm
wondering where this has come from. So if you don't show up for somebody or if
you don't do what they want, chances are they'll freak out, they'll shut down, they might threaten
to kill themselves. If you let go of someone, they're going to completely ghost you, never
talk to you again. And if you do end up going back to that person or going back to that
pattern, it means you're going to have to lie to the other people in your life, and
you'll have to lie to yourself that everything's okay and that this is acceptable behavior.
This was with your first boyfriend. Your very first experience of having a significant other.
I think this is a pretty significant set up for never wanting to disappoint anyone else
ever again. Because if I do, they'll leave me, they'll freak out, they'll ghost me, they'll
cheat on me, they'll tell me I'm a horrible person. This behavior went on for over two
years. You saying, "You know what? I'm done, this isn't appropriate. I want out of this
relationship," and then that's the response you get, you using your voice to say what's
in alignment with your truth at 16 years old and going, "I'm not putting up with this any
longer," and then that's the reaction. You're horrible, you're disappointing me. That is
going to establish a frequency around quote unquote disappointing anyone, which by the
way, you aren't doing, you're simply acknowledging your truth. That would set up a frequency
very quickly and 16 years old, a 16-year-old who's open, empathic, is receptive, is sensitive
has just opened herself up in a very vulnerable way to her first boyfriend and this is the
input she's receiving about what it means to see what's true for her.
Yeah. Now, like you said, this might not be the
very first time, but this is significant. Yeah.
And in the course of not disappointing anyone else, who's getting disappointed? Bingo. You're
putting yourself repeatedly in situations that aren't serving you, that are actually
draining your energy, that have you giving away your power.
Okay. So the habit, to be clear, the habit is I'm
going to put you first before myself. That's the habit. The pattern underlying that was
born out of, in part, maybe not fully, but the pattern was established in the experience
I say what I want, the ramification is I get this in return.
It just... It didn't feel like I... It didn't feel like there was a choice.
So now it's really hard. To not get external validation.
I have to tell you that this is one of the deepest sessions I've had with this particular
client and it was a moment of heartbreak to realize that this pattern was established
so early, and as a result of a relationship that even at that time, even at that young
age of 16, she knew wasn't serving her. She became aware of the fact that if she continued
this habit or pattern that the only person she would really be lying to was herself about
her happiness, about her living her purpose, and I have to tell you, this client has done
the work and has done the deep excavation it takes to really up level her life in all
areas, from her relationships to her career. Toward the end of this session, I invited
my client to have a conversation with her 16-year-old self and to also remember that
any time this habit of putting others before herself emerged to remember the origin story
behind it, to remember that this isn't actually her truth, that this is a pattern that was
established out of a desire to keep everything okay and to make sure that other people in
her life were taken care of. There were reasons behind this pattern being
established and there's so much more behind this than just the relationship she had at
16, but this is the beginning of the process and this is the beginning of the excavation
and the discovery, and this is where we all have the opportunity to begin to step into
a different way of being and showing up for ourselves in alignment with our truth.
I'd love to know if there is a habit or pattern that you've identified in your life that you're
ready to shift. If you'd like to share it with us, please put it in the comments below.
I wanted to let you know that registration for the vision summit is open. The vision
summit is a unique three day online experience taking place from February 20th to the 22nd.
My cohost, Melissa Steginus, a mindfulness teacher and productivity coach, have been
working together since June of 2019 to bring this panel of experts to you. You can register
at myvisionsummit.com and I'll include a link for you to get more information and to register
in that description below. I hope you enjoyed this video. If you did,
remember to like it, subscribe to my channel, and click on that bell to get notified when
I release new videos each week. Stay ignited out there. I'll see you soon. Bye.