Gavin: So, I tried to do another PG one...
Burnie: Well I'm sure this will turn out well for us, Gavin.
Gavin: Yeah, and I failed.
Burnie: HEYYYYY!!! Everybody look who's here this week: it's Kerry Kerry: Hello!
Let's jump into it - who wants to go first? Gavin? Got a good one?
I'll take it!
Burnie: Alright, let's do it!
Gavin: You got a million bucks, but for the rest of your life...
...Every time you climax...
...Nothing comes out.
Maybe just like a [poof] of air...
Burnie: So you can't have kids!?
...But... [Mixure of groans and laughter]
Gavin:...An hour later it comes out.
[Gushing Sound Effect]
So say you wake up, you bang one out in the shower
You get to work, you're getting to your meal and then
[Overcompensating Sound Effect] Ughhhhh!
[laughter]
You just cream your pants?
You just cream them at your desk. [Kerry groans]
You could buy like, extra small condoms
And just put a condom on -
Go ahead?!! Extra small condoms? What are these?
Kerry: Like when you're doing it at your desk you're like,
You know and it's just like - UGH!
Done.
Like, you're just like, "that's it!" You know?
Honestly, that is the most sensible way around that, I think.
Burnie: Except, you're being given a million dollars to then go up
to the pharmacy for the rest of your life and ask,
"Where do you keep your extra small condoms, sir?"
Kerry: I just believe that maybe you just pull out the money wad
and you're just like, "There." [laughter]
It would get to the point where people are really suspicious
if you're like getting up in the middle of the day at work
Gavin: "I should probably take a showe-" [moan]
I'd do it!
A million bucks!?
Kerry: I'd do it, yeah
Burnie: You would take that?!
Yeah
Yeah, a million bucks. I....
I would probably do it
I would just do bar bets
Like, "Just wait, just watch"
See i'm just picture us sat at a bar with your penis out
Kerry: "Any second now guys, seriously, were down to the minute."
[Sound FX] Burnie: No [laughter] I wouldn't, I wouldn't
Gavin: "Ladies?"
[laughter]
Burnie: I'm with Kerry, we're both a million dollars richer
Burnie: My scenario this week, is that you get a million dollars
The caveat is that
Any time you use an object from that point,
the entire time you use the object:
it says its name.
Like a pencil will say:
"Pencil, pencil, pencil"
As you write
Burnie: And then, because you're writing on paper, the paper would also be telling you,
"Paper, paper paper."
Gavin: How would you be getting anything done!?
Yeah and headphones would be worthless!
Gavin: Yeah, you want to listen to music
"iPhone." "Headphones." "iPhone." "Headphones." "Wire."
Would they be saying it the whole time?
Or is it just like, [imitating revving sounds] "Caaaaaar, caaaaar"?
Burnie: It'll say it in a voice that's very appropriate for the object as well.
So like when you're in bed, that'll be a tough one because you'd be like,
[Cacophony of] "Pillow." "Mattress." "Headboard." "Pillow." "Mattress." "Headboard."
Burnie: I wonder if something would like change names too?
Gavin: Yea, like, "Orange orange oran---"
"JUUUUIIIIICE!"
[Laughter]
A ladle would have a dumb voice like
*deep voice* "Laaadleee"
Gavin: Yeah, I'll take it
YOU WOULD!?
Gavin: You know, i'd just plug in - put in ear plugs
OH! No I wouldn't!
Kerry: The earplugs would go, "Ear plugs!"
Everytime I don't hear something, it would be shouting, "Ea-" I wouldn't do it.
I wouldn't do it at all.
Eh, I'd do it.
Yeah, because I mean, I imagine the pillow, if it matches it'd be like,
[softly] "Pillow, Pillow."
Gavin: Good point! Kerry: It'd be a little soothing.
I would not take the money.
Kerry: Million dollars. Burnie: Million dollars.
Kerry: Get in cash. Burnie: A lot of money
It's a lot of money, it's a lot of money in cash
Kerry: Every time you spend any bit of that money:
Every bill... Every coin...
You gotta lick it.
[Collective Groan]
Kerry: Every single one
Burnie: So let's say you buy a used car, ten grand...
Kerry: Yeah Burnie: Right?
Gavin: So you just pull out your bag and start licking...?
Burnie: 10,000 dollars, you go to pay in cash
[Lick sound] Bam
Gavin: Your tongue would go black and raw
Burnie: Oh yea it would!
[Collective gagging and coughing]
Front and back!?
Of course!
Burnie: Ugh, gross! Gavin: Come on!
Why'd you even ask?
I mean, I guess to be fair, you could just like roll it up and shove it in
Burnie: Ugh! Gavin: Like, if you just let it soak?
Kerry: Yeah
[Gavin gagging hard]
Kerry: Maybe like five seconds [Gavin gagging harder]
Kerry: So imagine you go to an arcade right? You got quarters...
Every one you want to use, you gotta like, swish around first...
[Gavin still gagging]
Burnie: So, do we get the tokens and then you just like jam them in your mouth?
Kerry: Yeah, and then you just kinda blegh
And then use it
What do you guys think?
I'm gonna say, one million dollars?
I'm not taking that!
Kerry: Gavin? Gavin: I wouldn't do it
No? Uh, I want money, i'll do it, yea.
Burnie: You'd do it!? Kerry: Yeah, i'll figure it out
Can I keep it?
You can have the five bucks if you lick it
[Groans and laughter followed by gagging]
Well, thank you for joining us
We want to thank our guest, Kerry
Who is now three million dollars richer so...
If you need a loan, there you go
[Voiceover] Hey, if you like this episode of "Million Dollars, But..."
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