- So, climbing a rope, huh?
You know, I've always wanted to give this a go.
It's something you always see in high-school TV shows.
And given that I'm something of a lead character
in my own personal drama, this should be very fun!
(whistles)
- Dude! I thought you were going long!
- Oh, you thought that?
No, what I said was, "I'm just going along in life."
- Argh!
- You know, standing out here contemplating my purpose
on this pale blue dot, - Oh!
- But I can tell that my performance
in this game matters to you.
So I will try better next time.
- Pfftt.
- All right, sports fans, let's start off by picking teams.
- Yo, can we just skip the whole charade of picking teams?
I mean, we all know how it's gonna go.
All the jocks and kids who are physically coordinated
will go on one team.
And then all the nerds and the kids who struggle
to open up their milk carton at lunch
will be on the other team.
- Okay, I guess we know who's getting picked last.
- Well, actually, the person who is picked last,
just defaults to a team.
Technically speaking, they never actually got picked at all.
And I'm not sure why that makes me feel better, but it does.
- Dude!
- Oh no, guys, I almost had that.
If only Jupiter wasn't in Capricorn today, am I right?
- Ah! Why did I think this would be fun?
This is nothing but a humiliating display
of my lack of upper body strength.
And I would let go, except the drop would certainly kill me!
- Look, guys, I don't wanna insult your intelligence
by pointing out the obvious,
but I don't really care if the other team wins.
I-M-H-O, y'all are taking this game way too seriously.
I'm only here because the PE teacher
saw through my forged doctor's note and forced me to play.
- Okay, here we go.
Everything is riding on this moment.
- All right, come on, son, shoot the ball.
- Dad? What are you doing here?
- Just don't look at me! Look at the basket!
You think you're gonna beat the buzzer looking at me?
Look, look! The basket. Come on, kid!
- Dad, there is no buzzer!
This is a casual basketball game
in my second period PE class!
- Shoot the ball just like I would've done
if coach had put me in the championship game back in 1985.
- Dad! Don't you have a job or something?
- This is my lunch break, kid.
I only have 30 minutes, and I spend it coming down
to watch you try to shoot the ball.
And you know what?
I wouldn't be in this dead-end job
if I had done better in high school PE.
- Somehow, I doubt that's true, Dad!
- If you could pull off the shot,
you can get a basketball scholarship to our dream school.
- This is my life, Dad.
- Just shoot the ball, dude!
- Fine! Uh! - Doh!
- Hey, don't mind me, sports fans.
I'm just over here doing my stretches.
- Hey, nerd-a-tron.
Are you gonna join this brutal game of full contact,
no pads, no helmets, tackle football or not?
- Oh yeah. I just got to stretch my leg first.
Ooh. Eee. Yeah. Aaahhh.
- All right, nerd-a-tron, I've had enough of your excuses.
I'm gonna throw you in this game of full contact,
no pads, no helmets, weapons optional,
tackle football, whether you like it or not.
- No! Wait! I still have to stretch my comfort zone!
- Guys, I'm gonna make a game winning shot.
Oh! Oopsy-daisy, my shoes were untied. Not my fault!
- Oh, here comes the ball. Oh. Oh, I missed it!
Oh no. I'm terrible at this game.
My great-grandmother could play better
and she's no longer with us.
Like guys, seriously, why do you keep passing me the ball?
I'm not as good as Tommy.
You should be passing him the ball
and he's in a neck brace!
- Hey, don't beat yourself up, man.
You're still a really nice guy.
- Tommy, stop. Come on.
You know that my only skill is dodging these compliments.
Hey, maybe I'd be good at dodge ball!
Okay, dodge ball time. Argh!
- Oh man. Who knew this would be how it all ends? No.
- Wowee. It's outta the park!
- Oh, not good enough.
I wanted the bat to break from the sheer power of my swing.
Now I gotta do this! Argh!
- Kid, come on!
That's our only baseball bat. Funding is really low, okay?
- Oh, no.
Whatever will happen to me if I don't dodge the ball?
(ball thumps)
Oh, darn. What a terrible thing to happen to me.
I guess I'll go sit on the sideline now
and scroll through my phone for the rest of class.
- All right, yellow team, let's go!
Let's score a point. Yay!
But red team, I love you guys too.
No disrespect intended.
- Dude! Will you just pipe down and let us play the game?
- Understood, bro.
Man, being scorekeeper is my favorite position.
I can root for both teams. Hydration break.
This game's got me working up a sweat!
- Hey lads, you know it's me,
the exchange student from the UK named Theo.
I just wanna say thank you for welcoming me to the USA.
I now realize there's not
that much difference between us now, is there?
Now let's play some football. Ooh! Oh, what's this?
- Get the British kid!
- No!!
- Guys, I'm sorry I scored a goal for the opposing team.
But the feng shui of this field
was just like pushing me towards that goal!
What was I supposed to do?
It's feng shui. You can't fight the feng shui!
- Yo, I'm heating up. I'm heating up!
(whistles)
- No! Doh!
- Oh, seriously, dude, it is like really hot out here.
Like I'm worried about heatstroke a little bit.
- Ooh, sure.
- Oh no. I did it again, didn't I?
I said the thing and you thought I meant something else.
No. Oh, man. I am so sorry. I feel so bad.
Look, I won't let you down next time.
Give me one more shot, I promise you.
- All right. What's the game plan?
- We need a new strategy.
So far we've been focusing too much
on maintaining a high offensive rebound percentage.
And that's too obvious a tactic. Everyone does that.
We need a radical strategy,
the likes of which they have never seen.
- We can hear everything you're saying.
You know that, right?
- Uh, shut up.
You see, you're not truly playing the game
if you can't painstakingly weigh out the various advantages
and disadvantages of a reverse dribble ankle breaker
versus saying explosive Space Jam Jambalaya.
- Okay, we forfeit.
We don't know any of those moves.
- Yeah, those guys are gonna annihilate us. Why bother?
- Mission accomplished.
I am playing the meta game,
where victory is achieved through intimidating others
through a sense of superiority.
- Right, but there's like an even bigger game called society
where you just come across like an insufferable
know-it-all.
- Hey man, you gotta pick your battles.
- Climbing ropes?
This skill will surely help me solve the climate crisis.
Oh yeah, I can't wait for the day
when every motorized elevator
is replaced with a sustainable rope like this one.
Speaking of things heating up, I am getting rope burn.
I'm having a crisis myself on this rope.
- All right, boys, I hope you wore deodorant,
'cause it's time to get really up close
and personal and wrestle.
- It's game time. Sshhh...ssshhh.. kkk...
- Uh, what, what are you doing?
- Yeah, what he said.
- Charging up for my special attack.
You won't stand a chance.
- Right. I'm gonna kick your butt now.
- Up, down, down, left, right, left, right. A, B, A, A, A!
- Argh! - Aah!
- Ah. Tennis.
Some say it's the most mathematically
beautiful game that there is.
Well, at least I said it, just now.
- Clearly you have never heard of body shots.
- Ooh! Oh, have mercy on me. Oh.
- Guys, I'm a little nervous about us playing rugby at PE
because it's like one
of the most violent contact sports, ever.
But on the plus side,
it could be a great bonding experience.
- Okay, stop the game.
I think Timmy got really hurt on that play.
And technically,
I don't think I'm supposed to be having you guys play this,
so don't say anything.
- Oh no! But on the plus side,
I'm sure he'll be back on his feet in no time.
- Good golly! He's broken every bone in his body.
- On the plus side,
I'm sure that's some kind of world record.
- Oh boy!
Can't wait to see the meaningless activity we do today!
- Okay, kids, today we're doing something
a little different. We're playing quidditch.
- Uh, yeah. Sorry, my dog ate my homework or something.
Wait a second. Did you say "quidditch"?
- That's right, son.
- All right, where's my broom?
I'll be team captain on account of being an excellent seeker
who can keep eyes on the snitch.
Yo, my dude! You look like you'll be an excellent beater.
So grab a bludger and let's get on with this!
And of course, we're gonna have to get some chasers
who know how to handle a quaffle.
Okay. Why is no one taking this seriously?
This is quidditch, people! Get serious!
Do you think Ireland could have defeated Bulgaria
in the Quidditch World Cup with an attitude like this?
Show some respect to the game.
- Hey, I'm open. I'm open!
Oh. Oh, that's, oh, that's gonna leave a mark.
- I thought you said you were open!
- Well, yeah, I meant open to a heartfelt one-on-one.
You seem like you need it today.
- Gosh!
- Boy, I bet you feel silly with all those missed passes,
let's go over to the bench and talk about it.
♪ They say a stranger's come to town ♪
♪ They call him Mr Frank James ♪