- Some friends you have!
- Yeah. Honestly, that's not a nice thing to say to someone.
- No. Okay, it's hard.
However, do something about it.
- Uuf! - End of rant.
(upbeat music)
Hey, there! You've just been added to the Bloom chat.
- Welcome. Welcome back.
I'm Hameda, your brutally honest bestie.
- And I'm Sohan, here to soften the blow.
- Welcome back, Sohan.
- Yeah, it's good to be back.
I'm excited about today's episode.
- Are you?
- We're talking about friendships.
- I'm afraid.
- And mental health. Yeah. (Hameda laughing)
Are you afraid?
Oh my gosh!
- Pause. I'm afraid.
And mental health.
I'm more afraid. (Sohan chuckling)
- I'm more afraid.
- [Voice over] The Sealed Section.
- [Hameda] Subject line,
"Help!
My friends are mad at me because of my bad mental state."
- Oh!
- I'm having problems with my friends.
I originally had plans to celebrate my birthday with them,
but the closer it got to the date,
the more depressed I became.
I told them I did not wanna celebrate this year,
because I was not in the mood.
They didn't listen and bought me a cake, anyway.
I see that they were trying to make me happy,
but it wasn't working.
They later got mad at me because I'm too depressed.
- No! - I know.
It's so sad.
"That's not the only thing they've done recently, either.
I was talking to this guy, but it didn't turn out great.
He used me for his own pleasures,
and then ditched me after he was done.
I told my friends that I don't feel safe around him
but they still hang out with him
like he didn't do anything wrong.
I tried telling them how I felt
but instead of offering comfort,
they took their anger out on me again,
calling me too depressed,
and saying that they didn't wanna be friends with me
until I apologized to them for my mood recently.
Basically what I'm asking is, should I apologize?"
- Short answer, no.
(both laughing)
- No. - That's it, guys.
- That's the episode. (Sohan laughing)
- Some friends you have!
- Yeah!
Honestly, and I almost wish I knew how old this person was,
- Because giving very- - Yeah!
- Like young friendships, - Yes.
- Like younger years, not really knowing yourself,
therefore not knowing the kind of people
you wanna surround yourself with.
I've been on both sides of this coin.
I have been at a place mentally
where I just cannot fathom the idea of socializing.
- You're on low power mode,-
- You've run out of capacity. - Yeah.
And this is why, if you're my friend and you're watching,
sometimes I don't reply to messages,
because that's just like,
I read it and I'm like, I'll reply to that later
when I'm feeling better, and then maybe I'll forget.
So, I've definitely been the friend,
not that any of my friends have ever like actually told me
that I need to apologize for being depressed.
I feel like that's-
- I feel like it's missing a step.
Like where was the mid step of, "Hey, are you okay?"
- [Hameda] Yeah!
- And also no respect for their wishes.
- I can understand- - Yeah!
- Like if you've never experienced mental health problems,
like if you've never experienced anxiety, depression,
it's really hard to understand what it's actually like.
So, I can understand why maybe some,
you know, people that are still figuring out who they are,
may take their friend being like,
"Oh, I don't wanna do anything for my birthday"
as, "oh, we should do something anyway.-
- [Hameda] Yeah, yeah.
- And just make them feel special anyway",
without realizing that that might actually be quite harmful
to them in that moment.
- And I think it was sweet up until,
okay, you got the cake and then it didn't help,
and then maybe we step back and say, "Okay, we tried."
- Yeah.
- "Obviously they want to be alone."
- Yeah. - But to get upset
over the fact that they're not into the cake,
- Yeah! - When they said
that they didn't want it, that's like immature to me.
- And I find like when it comes to friendship dynamics,
I use this word loosely,
but like bullying in friendship dynamics,-
- [Hameda] Yeah. Yeah.
- It's never as outright,
as you might see it in like American movies
and stuff like that.
It can be very subtle.
- Yes!
- Not actually talking to them
about what you've got an issue with,
and instead finding issues with them
and using it as an excuse
so that you can stay on your high horse
and push people away.
- Wow! - That's what it feels like.
- Again, context is a big thing in this.
It all kind of goes like,
I don't want to seem like I'm undermining or like erasing-
- Yeah. - What the op's issues
and struggles are because,
you know, I have my own struggles.
- Yeah. - And I've got struggles,
like everyone has their struggles,
but I think it gets to a point
where if something is detrimental to your own mental health,
like that friendship,
because that person is in such a negative head space,
and maybe not doing anything,
because there's no mention of like trying to get better.
- Yeah!
- That can be really draining,
and like hard for you to deal with.
So maybe ,
- They are pushing her away. - Her away.
- And they can't find a way of doing it
without being completely nasty.
- Yeah.
I think it's just about having that conversation,
and letting them know like,
"Hey, I can see you're struggling.
Like, are you getting help?"
Like, you know, "What is it that you need?
And just so you know,
I find it difficult to support you
in that way all the time."
Where's that step?
- That was missing from this. - Yeah.
But I think that's a step that comes with age.
- Yes. And experience. - With wisdom.
- Yes.
- Friendships are more important than I think people think,
like they can be like your partner or your family,
like chosen family.
- Yeah. - And you don't always have
to get everything from every friend.
Like there might be that one friend that you've got
that you can unload to, and will be there for you,
and you work through things together and like that works.
There might be another friend that's just there
for like a good time,
- Yeah. - when you're going out.
- Yeah. - And you know,
that's amazing still.
It doesn't mean they're any less of a friend.
You don't have to get everything-
- From every friend person. - From one person.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.
- Or, yeah, from one person. - Yeah. Absolutely.
- I've had rough times with friends growing up,
but the friends I've got now are amazing.
And I think one thing that makes friendships strong is
when you have accountability for yourself
within those friendships.
- [Hameda] Yeah.
- Like you are not projecting things onto other people.
You're owning your own emotions.
You are respecting other people's capacity
to like talk about stuff with you.
And then you have shared experiences together.
And I think when you rely too much on someone,
or a group of people as your friends,
and you put a lot of responsibility on them
to make you feel a certain way,-
- [Hameda] Yeah.
- It can go downhill.
- Especially if you're having these issues
and you're using them as a supplement-
- For getting actual help. - Yes. Yes.
- Do you wanna play Red flag, Green flags with me?
- I would love to play-
- Red Flag, Green Flag? - I really wanna play-
Red Flag, Green Flag.
- [Voice over] Red Flag, Green Flag.
- I'm ready. Are you ready?
- "This might some people off, but here it goes.
For the last few years,
I've had to rearrange my life and plans
in order to accommodate my best friend's mental illnesses.
Examples, we can have something scheduled at 12,
and she didn't sleep the night before,
so we have to push it off to three so she can take a nap.
She ghosts me and others, days and weeks at a time
and worries me.
She is so self-absorbed
that she rarely asks how anyone else is doing
or what's going on in their lives.
The problem for me is that she does not get help.
She quit therapy, does not take her meds
and refuses to do any self-care or diet and exercise.
She chooses to live in this cycle of misery.
Everyone else is over it.
And I fear they're being pushed away for good.
She's my best friend, but I am at my wits end.
I do not want to bail on her,
but fuck, it is hard being her friend.
I get so sick and tired of hearing about how hard it is,
and blah, blah, blah.
Okay, it's hard. However, do something about it."
- Uuf! - End of rant.
This is like the other side of the coin, right?
- Yeah. - Like the friends are like...
And it honestly sounds like this person
has never actually experienced mental illness themselves.
- Yes.
- Because words like self-absorbed.
- [Hameda] Yes.
- She rarely asks how anyone else is doing.
She chooses to live in this cycle of misery.
It's like, I feel like when you are in a struggle,
it's not always such an easy, clear choice.
- [Hameda] No.
- And it's definitely not self-absorbed.
- No. - It's an illness.
- Yeah. - It's like
you've got a broken leg.
- Yes. - You're not gonna be like
I'm choosing to have a broken leg.
- Yeah, I mean, but you would go and get the leg cast.
- This is he other thing is like,-
she does not get help. (Hameda laughing)
This might be one of those times where-
- Yeah. - They just have to say,
"Hey, you need to get help.
I can't be here for you like this."
And one of the top comments here is...
Oh wait, there's two very differing ones up here, okay.
The first one here is,
"She is responsible for herself,
and you are responsible for yourself.
You have to stand up for your sanity and wellbeing.
No one else will do this for you."
The other comment is,
"Don't let Reddit hype you up into abandoning a friend.
If or when she does something, I hope you're okay with it."
(Hameda groaning) Yeah.
- That's not a nice thing to say to someone.
- No.
- And here's the thing,
these people have been obviously expressing
that they need help,
because they've been telling their friends this.
Maybe not super clearly,
but if they're complaining about their issues,
then that's essentially them screaming out for help.
Which again, I understand that, you know,
you may not feel that that's your responsibility,
but maybe they're just literally-
- Begging for help. - Help.
- Because it can feel incredibly overwhelming
- To find that help. - Yeah.
- Especially if you've been burned in the past,
maybe they're looking for someone
to take on that responsibility.
- [Sohan] Yeah.
- And if it's really your best friend,
wouldn't you then do some research, and find out how-
- You can actually help them- - Yeah.
- And like, if you value the friendship that much.
- Yeah. - Because if
it's your best friend...
- It sounds like this person is at their wits end though.
I feel like this is not a red
- Or a green flag. - No. No
- It's kind of in a gray area. - Absolutely not!
- [Hameda] Yeah.
- [Voice-Over] Help me, Hameda!
(buzzer blaring)
- [Hameda] Long and the short of it.
- Help me, Hameda!
- Don't apologize.
- Look at what you are getting out of this friendship.
If your friendships are not giving you the love and support
that you need, it's okay to say goodbye.
- But yeah, that's kind of the advice, right?
- Yeah. - Reflect.
Definitely reflect, do your own work,
do your shadow work, do your self work,
and then go out and find some new blossoming,
fabulous friendships that'll bring you up.
And then that may you don't have to deal
with that fucking, idiot guy either.
- Yeah, literally. (Hameda laughing)
You don't just see his face.
- Never again.
- If you guys have anything that you want to tell us,
like you wanna spill your guts out about a situation,
you want some advice, definitely email us@bloombuzzfeed.com.
(upbeat music)