- David.
Thanks for taking time away
from waiting for Sandler to write "Grown Ups 3"
to be here.
- Pete's dad never got to see him on SNL
because he passed away on 9/11.
Pete's mom has never seen him on SNL
because she blinks.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- I want to thank Spade for hosting tonight.
He is amazing.
Love you.
Oh by the way,
SNL has just released a compilation
of David's funniest sketches.
It's called "The best of Chris Farley".
(audience laughs)
- We're here to honor
one of the biggest stars of 1987
with some of the biggest stars of 1984.
(audience laughs)
Ralph Macchio's here.
(audience cheers)
Ralph's a great guy.
I drove over here with him,
gave him five stars.
(audience laughs)
At one time,
Rob was one of the biggest stars in the world.
He was an A-list actor.
He was named one of the 50
most beautiful people in the world
and he (beep) the other 49.
These are compliments.
Is this guy hot or what?
There's not a dry pussy in the place.
A cleanup on every chick's chair.
(audience laughs)
For years Rob Lowe had a sex addiction
but he cured it by getting less famous.
(audience laughs)
Rob was in a movie called "The Outsiders"
back in the day.
Remember that?
(audience applauds)
His character was called "Sodapop"
because at the time Rob was 98% Coke.
(audience laughs)
I remember the first time I became aware of Rob.
I was at a casting meeting for "Tommy Boy"
when I came across your headshot
and I do mean came across.
(audience laughs)
He's good looking.
It's not easy being Rob.
He said being so handsome made it difficult
for him to find meaningful roles.
I wanted to ask Brad Pitt about that
but he was too busy acting in meaningful roles.
(audience laughs)
Rob has a line of skincare products.
You can buy them online.
You won't, but you can.
Our younger audience might not know who you are.
So kids, this is who your mom thinks about
when she's (beep) your dad.
(audience laughs)
Rob was great on "The West Wing".
You remember that show?
(audience applauds)
I assume your pal, Charlie Sheen,
helped you with that.
He's used to working with aids.
White house aids.
What did you-
Oh oh oh.
Rob looks great for his age.
Many people have wondered
if he's had any plastic surgery.
Those same people have wondered
if Caitlyn Jenner has any plastic surgery.
(audience laughs)
Rob came up at a time
when a sex tape could really ruin your career.
But Rob had to do it the hard way,
with his acting.
(audience laughs)
Rob was in "Austin Powers" too.
He was excited to meet the cat,
Mr. Bigglesworth.
Since it had been a while
since he'd made a movie
with a hairless pussy.
(audience laughs)
- Whoa.
Macaulay Culkin looks worse than I thought.
(audience laughs)
David, thanks for taking time away
from waiting for Sandler to write "Grown Ups 3"
to be here.
David Spade's assistant
once tried to kill him in his sleep
and the world was shocked to find out
you could afford an assistant.
- It's not bad.
Pete Davidson-
Pete's dad never got to see him on SNL
because he passed away on 9/11.
Pete's mom has never seen him on SNL
because she blinks.
(audience laughs)
Is Pete white?
Is he black?
Ann Colter needs to know
so she can decide if she hates him.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Pete, I actually thought you were black,
but I guess you just have your dad's ashy skin.
- Give it up for David Spade tonight as our host
doing a great job.
(audience applauds)
- Thanks David,
for giving me a copy of your autobiography
before the show.
David always keeps a copy on him
'cause it helps him reach the steering wheel.
Honestly.
Tiny little baby man is what I'm saying!
- You may not know this,
but Rob Riggle was a pilot in the Marines,
who got shot down at SNL, ABC and HBO.
Things were so tough for him at SNL
his call time was "Sunday Morning".
(audience laughs)
- It is nice to see my friend David Spade.
You guys are well aware his assistant
once tried to murder him,
which I don't know,
I guess the stress
of answering the phone twice a month
finally got to him.
(audience laughs)
That be hard.
(melodic guitar)
David Spade, amazingly,
has slept with some
of the most beautiful actresses in Hollywood.
Proving just how ugly
show business makes women feel.
(audience laughs)
- Jewel.
She was born in Alaska
and for the last 20 years
her career has been on ice.
Jewel grew up in a house with no plumbing
so she turned her shit into music.
(audience laughs)
She'll be leaving right after the show
but her tooth is gonna hang out.
- David Spade, our host this evening,
doing a fabulous job.
(audience applauds)
You look like a female Ellen DeGeneres.
David is perhaps best known
for his work with comedy legend,
Chris Farley.
(audience applauds)
Tragically,
Chris Farley died when his heart stopped
due to a lethal combination of heroin,
cocaine,
and the stress of carrying David Spade
through two movies.
(audience laughs)
- If you don't know who Jimmy Carr is,
he's a comic who sells out theaters in England,
Hong Kong, Thailand and Australia.
There's a name for that in America,
"Opening Act".
He looks like his dick wears a monocle.
- Thank you David.
For your first roast,
this has gotta be really exciting for you.
Your performance so far
reminds me of my rookie year in the NFL,
when I threw a league high 28 interceptions
and had absolutely no clue what I was doing.
(audience laughs)
As we all know,
I followed in my father's footsteps.
But David, you forged a path on your own.
I know you wanted to follow
in your dad's footsteps,
but he snuck outta the house so carefully
he didn't leave any tracks.
(audience laughs)
- [Rob] He's bringing it!
- But you did it anyway, David.
You went out and got a business degree
from Arizona State.
Although to be fair,
I think we all know
that a business degree from Arizona State
is just a bar towel that says,
"You read good."
(audience laughs)
Speaking of reading,
I recently read Spade's memoir,
"Almost Interesting".
Actually. I'm lying.
You really think
the first book I pick up in 20 years
is gonna be by the guy who played Dicky Roberts,
former child star.
I don't think so.
- What the (beep).
No Peyton!
- By the way, David,
that title, "Almost Interesting",
talk about false advertising.
Now, if you wanted to be honest,
you should have called it
"Almost Tall Enough to Ride a Roller Coaster".
(audience laughs)
- I'll take it.
♪ David Spade is dumb and short ♪
- [Peyton] Sorry. Bad habit. Sorry.
- Peyton Manning is here, physically.
(audience cheers)
No. Come on.
We love Peyton Manning.
We're lucky to have him tonight.
I'll never forget Peyton's career.
Sadly. He will.
(audience groans)
He may be the only person up here
who's been given more head than Rob Lowe.
- David Spade.
The host with the most
steps stools in your apartment.
David, you seriously influenced
so many female comics' haircuts.
(audience laughs)
- Some people say Nikki Glaser
is only here because she's good looking.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
If you haven't seen Nikki's show yet,
you're me.
(audience laughs)
- I know it's pretty shameless,
but I'm on a stage with a guy who made
two "Joe Dirt" films
so how shameless can I be?
As a "Right Wing" hatemonger,
it's fantastic to be at a big Hollywood shindig
with all these glittering celebrities
that isn't a fundraiser for Obama.
I'm hoping to persuade you all to vote for Trump.
But most of all, I want you, David,
because it would prove the media is lying
when they say that Trump won't get the vote
of a single Spade.
David is the perfect roast master for the show.
He's successful enough
that everyone knows who he is
but not so successful
that he makes us feel threatened.
He's like the Mike Pence of comedy.
A lot of people don't realize
that David's sister is famous designer,
Kate Spade,
judging by your outfit, David,
I gather you're not speaking.
- Ann hopes the Republicans
can hold onto the house
so she can continue to haunt it.
(audience laughs)
She seems stiff and conservative
but Ann gets wild in the sheets.
Just ask the clan.
Looks like she's having a good time.
I haven't seen you laugh this hard
since Trayvon Martin got shot.
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)