So, moved to Las Vegas
10 years ago from New Jersey.
The Garden State.
Don't you love that?
The Garden State.
Apparently someone's neglected
to tend this garden for the past 50,
60 years.
It is now the brown and crumbly
state.
(audience laughing)
Says so on those special license
plates, folks back East can't
believe I live in Las Vegas.
Somebody has to live there.
They really can't believe I live
in the desert.
That's like, ooh.
That blows their mind.
That's exotic.
They don't know anything
about the desert,
so you can tell them anything when
they ask dopey questions about it.
"Oh, I hear it's hot there."
Yeah, but it's a dry heat.
Oh, yeah.
"Oh, I hear it rains a lot too."
Yeah, but it's a dry rain.
Oh, yeah.
(audience laughing)
"Do you gamble a lot more?"
No, but I gamble in different ways.
For instance, I now buy meat
at the dollar store.
(audience laughing)
They got some crazy stuff
at the dollar store.
So the other day, I bought a Yankee
Candle.
I brought it home, I lit it,
it smells like Reggie Jackson.
(audience laughing)
They got doggie ice cream.
Ice cream for dogs.
This is a dumb idea.
I had nothing to do with it.
Tastes terrible, by the way.
(audience laughing)
Ice cream for dogs.
Save your money.
They already have ice cream
for dogs, it's called ice cream.
(audience laughing)
If it's good enough for me,
it's good enough for the dog.
It's not like he's got a waistline
to worry about, he's not even
wearing pants.
(audience laughing)
At least not as often as I'd like
him to.
(audience laughing)
There's a chain of stores called
Dollar General, which also sounds
like a really terrible hospital.
(audience laughing)
Do not get the transplant
at Dollar General.
(audience laughing)
If you get a CAT scan there,
they use a real cat.
(audience laughing)
Pulled into a place
called Family Dollar.
It was a big, old, ugly family
in the parking lot having
an argument.
I couldn't help but listen in.
Turns out, not one of them
remembered to bring the Family
Dollar.
(audience laughing)
That outta put a crimp
in your shopping day.
There's a dollar store near my house
called, Everything's a Dollar,
so one day I walked in, put a dollar
down on the counter,
backed the truck up to the front,
and loaded everything
(audience laughing)
I am now the proud owner
of a truckload of crap from China.
(audience laughing)
Thinking of starting my own dollar
store now, thinking of calling it,
Crap from China.
(audience laughing)
Or maybe, Each Thing's $1.
(audience laughing)
I paid attention in English class.
(audience laughing)
They've got a strange idea of what
constitutes entertainment in
Las Vegas, I'll tell you that much.
Got a lot of those escape rooms now.
Anybody do the escape rooms,
say yeah.
- [audience] Yeah.
- In case you don't know what
an escape room is, it's this room
where they lock you
in a room with a bunch of strangers,
and you've all got to get together
and figure out how to get out.
Anybody who thinks this is
entertaining has never done jury
duty.
(audience laughing)
Las Vegas is now home
to the world's tallest Ferris wheel.
They don't call it a Ferris wheel,
they call it an observation wheel.
Who named that?
That's not fun.
55 stories tall.
Just what you want in the middle
of the Nevada desert,
you want to be 550 feet closer
to the sun.
(audience laughing)
30 minutes for one
complete rotation.
They call it the high roller.
I like to call it the rotisserie.
(audience laughing)
I paid 50 bucks, I feel like
a 7-Eleven hot dog.
(audience laughing)
You see this a lot
walking around the casinos.
You see a gorgeous girl accompanied
by her two somewhat less gorgeous
girlfriends.
I like to call that change for a 20.
(audience laughing)
It's a ten and two fives.
(audience laughing)
If it's a wedding party,
it's a ten a five, and five ones.
(audience laughing)
Apparently the schools in Las Vegas
are terrible.
But I don't own a home,
I don't pay taxes,
I don't have any kids,
so I don't care.
I don't know if it's true or not.
I will say this,
there's an elementary school
near where I live that has student
parking.
(audience laughing)
So something's gone horribly wrong
here.
(audience laughing)
Apparently it's tough to teach math.
I say this, because I went
to the grocery store the other day,
out front
is a bunch
of these big ceramic pots.
One sign, one sign.
All it says is, 50% off.
So I walk in,
and ask the young lady, I said,
what's the regular price
of these ceramic pots?
She looks at me and she says, "100%."
(audience laughing)
Oh, I'm the dumb one.
(audience laughing)