hey there everybody and welcome back to this series on recovery
from codependency today we're talking about six tools for supporting someone
who's recovering from codependency I'm your host Dr Donnelly Snipes
that's important is to know the problem codependency develops usually is the result
of trauma and often as the result of a fear of Abandonment and a sense of guilt the person with
codependency likely watched a loved one struggle for months or years engaging in self-destructive
behaviors or seeming to refuse to get help for their suffering the person with codependency was
like why aren't you going to counseling why aren't you going to treatment why do you keep doing this
they don't understand why the person might not be willing or able to seek help for what's going on
it is important to remember that these behaviors codependent behaviors May develop
as a result of living with or being close to someone who has an addiction who has a
mental illness that they're suffering from or seeming to refuse to get help from or their
indestructive relationships that they seem to be unwilling to leave and this can be another
person with codependency so a codependent may be trying to rescue another codependent
the next thing that's important once you really understand that this these behaviors were
developed to help the person stay safe and survive until now the next step is to get curious behavior
is always communication and behaviors as I said were often developed to help the person survive
so discuss with your partner the situations that led them to develop these particular
symptoms or behaviors that are problematic in your relationship and talk about it
in terms of what happened to them that caused them to develop these behaviors
for example when I drink you seem to get angry you seem to expect that I'm gonna get violent whatever
it is when I drink you seem to fill in the blank I wonder what happened that caused that fear or can
you tell me a little bit about how you developed that fear another example when I get angry even
if it's not at you it seems to trigger a panic response or it seems to trigger something else
I wonder what happened in your past that made you believe that anger is always unsafe
another example it seems like you're triggered whenever you don't know exactly where I am
I wonder how this developed I wonder why not knowing where I am causes you to feel unsafe when
did that happen in the past or a final example it seems like you're never able to relax and you're
always on alert I wonder what happened in the past when you let your guard down or trusted someone
so when you're getting curious when you're talking with your partner you're not saying
these behaviors are unreasonable you're saying these behaviors are probably very reasonable
based on your past so let help me understand how they developed and then we can talk about future
see yourself in what ways do you or your behaviors resemble someone in the past that
caused the development of these behaviors so for example when you raise your voice
in what ways does that resemble the way your partners father used to raise their voice
before they got violent recognizing that you may not have any intention of being violent but
it triggers that memory so look at yourself and say what behaviors what things am I doing saying
whatever that might be triggering past trauma if you do get angry for example or you do drink for
example and that triggers your partner it's also important to check yourself do you have a problem
you may not it may just be triggering memories from the past and unsafe people in the past or you
may and so again it's triggering those memories but they are accurate in the present context
explore Alternatives so you've acknowledged how you might be triggering things you've explored or
gotten curious about how those behaviors developed for that person and how they help them stay safe
now it's time to talk about exploring Alternatives in the present saying something like I recognized
so-and-so's choices in the past have caused you an incredible amount of pain and stress
and some of these behaviors may have developed out of an effort to try and protect yourself or
try and protect your mother or your siblings okay I recognize this I really want to earn
your trust and help you feel safe and I need to also feel safe and be able to trust you
it's important to recognize that when a person with codependency begins fearing abandonment they
may hear you saying this and hear you saying if you don't change I'm out the door so it's really
important to be very compassionate when you're having this discussion and say I really want to
earn your trust and help you feel safe I'm not going anywhere I really want to make this work
and I need to feel safe too
build self-esteem is the next thing the person with codependency was often loved conditionally
and inconsistently had their needs met so they were loved for what they did and
their needs really were sort of irrelevant they may get fed they may not they may get
loved they may not building self-esteem in that person means acknowledging them use their Love
Languages acknowledge them as worthy human beings and make sure that they recognize that they are
lovable even when they screw up they're lovable discuss with them how you can help them feel
loved appreciated and needed you're giving them the power you're saying help me understand what
I can do I want to help I'm not going to tell you how to feel I'm not going to assume I know
what you need because that's not empowering I'm going to ask you what is it that I can do
if they cross a boundary like starting to be controlling with you all right it happens remind
them that recovery is a process and they're doing great so call them on the behavior acknowledge
that you know see I feel like that behavior was really controlling and I recognize that it came
from a place of fear let's talk about that and you know you're doing great you've made huge strides
and let's address this issue here so explore why that issue might have happened if the person got
controlling explore why it might have happened both of your parts what did you do that triggered
their fear that triggered their anxiety and what did they do so what was their part and their
part was responding by being controlling and not trusting you or talking to you about the situation
for example and then discuss what needs to happen differently next time instead of going into attack
mode where you're trying to tell me what I need to do and control what's going on we need to sit down
and talk about the situation and your feelings so you can feel safer and empowered for example
and then Express appreciation for their willing to talk willingness to talk about it
talking about things with anybody is very threatening to a lot of people it makes you
feel vulnerable and the person with codependency often has a whole lot of Abandonment and rejection
fears so talking about something if there's even the slightest chance that they may experience
criticism or rejection can feel terrifying so expressing your appreciation for their
willingness to talk about it is also important because you're sort of rewarding that behavior
and give them what they crave and we've talked about crave before is the mnemonic
for secure attachments consistently be there now that doesn't mean you have to be joined
at the hip but be present when you're with them be present when they need you
be available you don't necessarily have to drop everything and run to do what they need
but be available and say let's talk about this tonight or help them figure out a different way
to resolve it if you can't get yourself free for example be responsive to their thoughts feelings
and needs when you notice that they are happy ask them about it when you notice they seem to
be feeling anxious or irritable or Restless note it and say it seems like you're feeling restless
you want to talk about what's going on so be responsive to those thoughts feelings and needs
this is going to help them start becoming more self-aware so then they can take the next step
to start being able to identify and respond to their own thoughts feelings and needs
pay attention to them provide them um attention by using their Love Languages love languages are
really important because that's how a person feels heard and understood and appreciated
validate their distress if they are anxious angry stressed out whatever they're feeling
okay or even if they're happy validate their feelings validate their thoughts I hear this
is what you're thinking or I can see you're feeling very anxious right now you're not saying
it's good you're not saying it's bad you're not saying it's right you're not saying it's
wrong you're just saying I acknowledge that this is how you're feeling and then encourage
them through regular check-ins this may be daily check-ins how do you feel do you feel secure do
you feel anxious it may be weekly I don't know it depends on the person but making sure that they
learn it's not going to happen overnight they learn they can trust you to be consistent
to respond and help them when they need help to give them attention just because
they are a good person and to respect their boundaries is going to be really important
it can be helpful to discuss with the person how was how were each of these things absent in
your prior destructive relationships so in those prior relationships how were people inconsistent
how were people unresponsive to you how were people critical or unencouraging and what can
I the healthy supportive person do differently how is it that you want me to express to you or
show you that I am consistently there and you may have to compromise a little bit but this
opens a dialogue so the person can start saying if you do this then it'll help me feel safer
recovery doesn't just happen overnight just like someone who
has a chronic health condition there is a process
remember that they may not be reacting to you but to pain from their past and it's important
to get to know what triggers that pain and help them prevent it or learn how to cope with it