Theme: I'll be ready (I'll be ready)
Theme: Never you fear (No don't you fear)
Theme: I'll be ready
Theme: Forever and always, I'm always here.
Allison: Good this episode is off to a great start.
Allison: This must be the episode where Mitch uncovers an alternate reality
Allison: where everyone has an evil counterpart.
Allison: Though evil Newmie?
Allison: Still has a great package
Allison: Oh yeah, check out all of this sweet fanservice
(Allison vomits as Jill)
Mitch: What's this? Six dollars for donuts?!
Allison (as Mitch): And they ate them without me!
Allison (as Mitch): You sons of bitches!
Allison: While Mitch is contemplating inflation on donuts,
Allison: Garner lets him know about another missing person's report.
Allison: Mitch is giving him a hard time because he believes pirates are involved.
Allison: How dare you try and figure out why these people are going missing?
Mitch: Once a cop always a cop, huh?
Allison: Um, he still is a cop, Mitch.
Allison (as Mitch): What, but he works on the beach? It's so different.
Garner: Okay, why don't you do something about that beach?
Garner: It'd be a much nicer place if you figure out how to get rid of all that sand and water.
Garner: Get you some concrete, a little asphalt, pave that sucker over.
(Garner laughs to hide the pain)
Allison (as Mitch): Hehehe, looks like someone's getting sacrificed to Poseidon for his insolence.
Allison: Shauni has run over Eddie's foot
Allison: Pfft
Allison: Thank you Baywatch.
Allison (as Eddie): this isn't so bad
Allison (as Eddie): One time I was run over by an ice cream truck and they had to replace my lungs
Allison: The last episode the two of them were ready to go out for dinner.
Allison: This episode, they're just gonna bitch at each other.
Shauni: you are lucky this is not wo-
Eddie: I'm lucky?!
Allison (as Mitch): What's going on in here? You're talking about me?
Shauni: He wasn't paying any attention
Eddie: From now on you're putting on one into the beach and me on the other.
Shauni: Fine with me! The farther away, the better.
Allison (as Mitch): Uhhh, I'm really bored by this. See you.
(Allison groans in dread)
Allison: Okay, guys, bad news. It's another kid plot.
Allison: You're gonna be seeing a lot of this:
Jenny: Hey guys, wait up!
Clark: Here comes your geeky girlfriend!
Clark: One time at summer camp.
Clark: I was a kid then.
Allison: So underage girlfriend here proposes that they all take a trip out on her dad's boat.
Jenny: We're going fishing tomorrow my dad told me to gas it up
Allison: Wait, really? He sent his 12-year-old daughter to gas it up?
Allison: That seems fairly irresponsible
Allison (as Mitch): Hey, Hobie, take my car to the gas station
Allison (as Mitch): I don't want you doing any drag racing before you do your homework though, right?
Allison (as Mitch):You little scamp!
Allison: While Hobie goes to poop is pampers or something, Mitch has other problems to deal with.
(Dramatic music sting)
Allison: Gayle is moving to Ohio and wants to take Hobie with her
Allison: but Mitch is having none of it.
Allison: Who will help him clean up his house or do his homework
Allison: or teach them life lessons while walking down the beach?
Allison (as Hobie): Mom and Dad are fighting. Time to be irresponsible
Music: It's fun getting into trouble
(The actual montage song plays)
Allison (bored and frustrated): Oh God!
Allison (sarcastically): Yeah, real fudging cute guys.
Allison: The kids proceed to go to an island while hitting
Allison: dangerous levels of adorable and annoying.
Hobie: I never knew you with a summer camp.
Clark: It was more of a survival camp
Clark: Very few people even know I went. Anyway, there
Clark: I was suspended a hundred feet in the air, dangling from a rope over a rocky gorge
Jenny: Are you sure you're not making up?
Clark: As sure as I'm standing here!
(Kids scream)
(A heavenly chorus celebrate)
Allison: So, wait. The show suddenly decided it was going to be like
Allison: Action-Adventure with hidden traps, pirates, and stuff?
Allison: I mean I know this show got ridiculous, but it's the fifth episode guys.
Allison: Did you really run out of lifeguard stuff already?
Clark: This whole island reminds me of "Predator." You ever see that?
Allison (as the Predator): Leave me out of this. I'm on vacation here.
Hobie: Hey, aren't you the same guy that walked out a "Teen Wolf?"
Allison: Man, they're hip.
(Allison laughs)
Allison: These kids are just so adorable. With their stories about movies they saw,
Allison:going on an adventure and-
Allison: Yeah, they just stumble onto a corpse.
Allison: Well played Baywatch.
Allison: Years of counseling, Ahoy!
Allison: On the Mitch-ster homefront, Mr. Buchanan has hired the best lawyer/lifeguard
Allison: He knows: Craig McGranington
Mitch: Why are you dressed like that anyway?
Mitch: You're my lawyer shouldn't you be in the suit or something?
Craig: You put me on duty this afternoon.
Mitch: Oh
Allison (as Mitch): I'm hugely forgetful. But, look, I'm the best parent for Hobie
Allison (as Craig): Yeah, where is he anyway?
Allison (as Mitch): Eh, he's in the corner over there.
Allison (as Craig): Mitch, that's just a lifeguard can with shorts on
(Inception Bwahs)
(Bwah!)
Allison: You know things are off to a bad start
Allison: when your custody meeting is interrupted with a call that your son and his friends are missing.
Allison: Maybe if you didn't leave them unsupervised nearly 24/7 this wouldn't happen, Mitch.
Mitch: You're acting like this whole thing is my fault here?
Allison (as Gayle): It is!
Allison (as Mitch): Says a vegetarian loser.
Allison (as Gayle) I'm not--
Allison (as Mitch) You just got Mitch'd, we're done
Clark: Somebody's been here.
Allison (as Clark): Let's look through their things.
Jenny: They where in that coffee can.
Hobie: I bet they were stolen.
Allison (as Jenny): Oh well, finders keepers. What are they gonna do, murder us?
(Allison giggles as Hobie and his friends)
Allison: Anyway, their boat floats away, because they're idiots and they're stuck.
Allison: but who cares about corpses and pirate treasure?
Allison: We've got a far more important subplot involving Shauni and Eddie.
(Allison laughs sardonically)
Allison: She almost ran him over! Lifeguards don't need to pay attention to things.
(Car breaks hard)
Eddie: Hey, hey what are you doing!?
Allison (as Eddie): Luckily I have the reflexes of a gazelle
(Impact)
Allison (as Eddie):Ow
Allison (as Shauni): Eddie want the keys?!
(Allison as Eddie giggles like a baby)
Allison (as Shauni): Eddie want the keys?
Allison (as Shauni) Yoink!
Allison (as Eddie): Aw, dammit!
Allison (as female beach-goer): Give me my kid, you creep!
Allison (as Eddie): Just doing my job. ma'am.
Allison (as flamboyantly gay bike rider 1): It's a perfect day on the beach. I must say
Allison (as flamboyantly gay bike rider 2): I agree, I must say!
Allison: After night falls, Shauni and Eddie take a break from being petty assholes
Allison: and find a couple of stranded tourists sleeping under a tower
Tourist woman: We were robbed: our plane tickets our money our clothes and
Tourist woman: Somebody didn't want to buy traveler's checks
Allison (as Shauni): Wow, that's pathetic. Way more pathetic than you, Eddie
Allison (as Eddie): Heh, yeah.
Allison (as Shauni): I think we found something to bond over. Let's go.
Allison (as Eddie): Alright!
(Car hits Eddie)
Allison (as Eddie): Dammit, not again!
Allison (as Hobie): How long until we can eat him?
Jenny (mimicking her father and putting actual effort into her performance): You spend too much.
Jenny (as her mother): Yeah, well, you drink too much
Jenny (as her father): Your brother is a bum.
Jenny (as her mother): Oh yeah, well your sister's pig.
Jenny: They fight like that right in front of my brother and me.
Jenny: Like we're not even there--
Allison (as Hobie): Sorry. I wasn't paying attention.
Allison (as Hobie): Did you see that lizard down there?
Allison (as Mitch): Yeah, I'd like to order a large meat lover's pizza with extra pepperoni, sausage, and bacon
Allison (as Mitch): plus whatever other meat you have and leave off the sauce in the crust.
Allison (as Mitch): Yeah, I'm not going to need it.
Allison (as Sid): Sooo, do our characters interact or...?
Craig: You ought to give it a break, lieutenant.
Mitch: Yeah, give it a break. Get a break and I'll go crazy.
Mitch: I'm sorry, man.
Allison: Did Craig talk him down by just staring creepily at him?
(Intense Music)
Allison (as Mitch): Hey, I wasn't sure what you wanted on the pizza,
Allison (as Mitch): so I just got what I wanted.
Allison: Well, the kids have been out there for half a day
Allison: And they're already "Blue Lagoon"-ing it, so my hopes are not up.
Allison: Oh, look, the pirates are like 10 feet away.
Allison: They didn't notice the fire going that whole time?
Allison: But anyway, there's more corpses around. So have fun kids!
Jenny: We have to wake Clark up.
Hobie: No, let him sleep.
Allison (as Hobie): We can leave him behind while we get away from the pirates
Allison: the next day movie boy decides to write a:
Allison: So they can chuck it out to sea and hope someone finds it.
Clark: I've got a better arm
(Glass Shatters)
Allison: Wow, there's your episode title kids.
Allison (as Hobie): I knew we should have ditched you.
Modern Day American Pirate: They're around here somewhere. Let's go!
Hobie: Gotta distract
Allison (as Hobie): All right, take your top off
Allison (as Hobie): Hmm, this pre-cut log is convenient.
Mitch: We really appreciate what you're doing. It means an awful lot to us.
Random extra: Hey boss, don't worry about it.
(Unintelligible mumbling)
Allison: Wow, breaking up is hard to do.
Allison: And that's the episode's lesson.
Allison: Folks, I'd like to report a grave error on my part.
Allison: In a previous episode, I said that Greg Barnett, stuntman extraordinaire,
Allison: was playing Greg Barnett, aka Ship McBoatington here.
Allison: But actually his character's name is Jim Barnett
Allison: Jim. I have failed you all.
Jenny: There they are!
(Gunshots)
Mitch: Garner, we got smoked at one o'clock.
Garner: Check it out
Allison (as Garner): Thanks, wordless mustachio'd pilot.
Allison: Luckily, they find the kids just as the pirates are going after them.
Allison: Hey, look. I'm not telling them how to do their "pirate jobs",
Allison: but there's a helicopter with big letters spelling POLICE on the side of it
Allison: Maybe call it a day and haul some ass
(Gunshot) Mitch: Get down!
Allison (sarcastically): Yeah, you'll never get caught now
Garner (clearly from inside as studio): Mitch, stay down.
Allison: Perfect dubbing.
Allison: And Garner just kills his pirate booty, amazing!
Allison: There are a number of ways they could take down the next guy.
Allison: But Mitch decides upon leaping from the helicopter
Allison: like a Madman to fight him hand-to-hand. Which I, for one, am thankful for.
Allison: This is a job for Mitch Buchanan, or as the Germans call him:
Gayle: Hobie!
Allison (as Mitch): Hey, pal:
Allison (as Mitch): My save.
Mitch: Gayle and I are gonna work out this custody thing ourselves. No lawyers.
Craig: What I advise all my sane clients to do.
Craig: That'll be a hundred bucks
Allison (as Mitch): You son of a bitch
Allison: Captain Thorpe becomes a character again!
Allison: Plus more boring custody battle stuff.
Allison: Also there's some plot about a couple of thieves