Hi YouTube family. I was just contacted by a
New viewer and her name is Kimberly and I want to say hello Kimberly namaste. Thank you so much for your wonderful email
And I want you to know that you encouraged me to to keep making videos about really really important topics that affect
we adult children of alcoholics adult children of narcissists and adult children of parents who have
emotionally and psychologically
intellectually you name it physically have abused us and they I
speak specifically to the wounds that we carry as adults and how we can transcend them as
You know intelligent human beings in a way that serves us
And also serves them and humanity as a whole and so I was asked to address the guilt
we adult children of alcoholics feel and the guilt we adult children of narcissistic parents and you know,
the guilt we daughters of narcissistic mothers for instance have to
Experience when we really come to the realization the really tough tough
realization that we've been
Manipulated and abused by our own parents and and how devastating
that news is and
how how bittersweet it is because when you begin to understand that the people that you love the people that
gave birth to you or perhaps the people that if you're a foster child, or
You know a child that's been adopted or whatever, you know
When you when you come to the realization that the people that were supposed to love you
Didn't not in a healthy way
That is quite a bitter pill to swallow because it hurts so bad
Because you wanted to feel like you belonged to these people you wanted to feel like
you belong to this family unit and then to wake up and realize that they
Didn't love you or it couldn't love you in a healthy way
A lot a lot of answers. A lot of questions are answered like ah, no wonder I felt this disconnect
No wonder I felt like there was this pane of glass
Between me and my mom or me and my dad or me and my siblings. No wonder I always felt like an alien
No wonder I felt like I didn't fit in you know
No wonder they are incapable of loving me in an authentic way. And so that really hurts
specifically
Addressing Kimberly's question. It's related to the guilt. She feels that she was not able to save her mom and
that
is such a
Common problem that we face as adult children of alcoholics or adult children of gamblers or adult children of of
people who are just ruining their lives and we try so hard to save them and
Part, that's part of the problem because as children we became the parent we had to parent out
Parents because we saw that they were you know in chaotic situations and they were making messes out of their lives
So what happens is we our aunt?
We're void of a childhood because now we're mothering our mothers or where we're we're mothering our fathers
where we're mothering our siblings and so
we lose out on a childhood and suddenly we're expected to
Have to deal with very adult-like situations and and we're not prepared for that
And what we do is we sort of like think in our head like well if I can get mom to stop drinking
Then she'll see value in me if I can get mom to stop drinking and I save her, you know
Then she'll she'll love me and then she'll accept me and then we'll have this kind of like Gilmore Gilmore girl kind of relationship
With you know between
Whatever Lorelai and whatever her daughter's name is I forgot, but I'm worried
But anyway, that's sort of like what we yearned for us
Especially daughters of mothers who are unable to love us we yearn for that connection and it never happens and and here we are
4550 I'll be 50 and
You know that connection never has never really been created. So there's no bond and
So it's very difficult to have to deal with that. What helped me on my journey is to understand that I can have empathy I
Can have empathy for anyone in my family who is an alcoholic or anyone in my family who is doing really bad things?
That are hurting them and their chances of being successful and happy I can have empathy for them
but I don't have to have guilt because it's not my I didn't cause the alcoholism I
Don't I?
Didn't cause the person that I love to do dysfunctional things. I
didn't create the circumstances that that
Allowed the people that I love to think poorly of themselves and others
I didn't create those situations
so I haven't I have nothing to feel guilty about so that when I learn to differentiate the different emotions that I'm
experiencing when I learn the difference between pity and love when I understand that I can pity someone and
Wish them the best and that
without thinking that I'm in love with them and I have to save them when I
Recognize that I can have great compassion as an intelligent
Open-minded woman for the people I love and I can wish them well
And I could have empathy for the choices that they're making
without feeling responsible for the choices that they're making that is like so freaking validating and so freaking freeing because
it's like wow, you know like I can love someone and
Accept that they're screwing up their lives
I could love someone and have great compassion for them with that feeling guilty because they're screwing up their life
Another very freeing thought for me was when I realized that
in terms of the law of attraction like that's a lot that's hokey-pokey for a lot of people but you know
I found that when when when I was at my worst, that's when I summoned great desire
When everybody walked away from me and I I was taking care of my three children
You know on my own I was so terrified, but it was then that I found the ability to ask
You know, God, please help me. I have to get out of the situation. I need help like
Send someone fast, you know or whatever
but what I realized was that it was in in those moments that I was
at my worst and I was I was also my most humble and
I was also the most allowing for change to come and
It was in
Then I was able to look out
you know and
become the eye in the sky like I like to say when one of my strategies with my clients has become the eye in the
Sky and see it from a very broad perspective
What's happening on a quantum level? What was happening was that?
Being so low being clinically depressed and all and suffered from panic disorder
What was happening was I was creating tremendous desire for something more?
Now if people had enabled me during that time
or if or if I had had a lot of help then I might not have
Gotten to the point where I was that humble
That I was like something's gonna change right now because my life can't keep going on like this. This is not
You know
So it was in my worst moments that I developed great desire for more. So I'd like to
Speak to anyone who is who is suffering with allowing someone that you love to suffer?
Like don't take them out of that place
let them hit rock bottom let them suffer because it is in the suffering that humility comes and
you know biblically it says that the humble and the meek shall inherit the earth and
What I think that speaks to is like when you finally get humble like you realize that
You have to rely on self and you have to take care of yourself
you have to be a decent human being and what you give out is what you get back and
When you're able to resonate with that when you're able to get to that level that
Vibration you begin to inherit the kingdom of Earth right here
kingdom of heaven right here on earth
like your world opens up for you like you start being kinder and then people are kinder to you you start being generous and then
Suddenly that the world is generous to you you start accepting people and suddenly people are accepting of you
You have more acceptance of self you have more acceptance of other people
Ultimately, the goal is to get to a place where you can accept people even when they're not accepting you that you can understand that
They have their soul has their own journey. They were born in a different time in space
Their their purpose in our lives was to to get us to where we are
You know our mothers were not they just didn't have the same opportunities that we have
And so, you know, I blessed everything
You know, my mom was born in the 40s and and her dad was in the war and you know, they were listen
You know, she was preparing for you know air raids
you know in school and so there was that was a very dank fiber a tional energy system that our moms were born into
And so I was born in the 60s a little bit later than her
And so that was better and my children are born in the 80s and the 90s and so, you know
They're like they're born in two different energy fields
And so, you know, each generation is supposed to learn from the from the the one prior and I think that's what's happening
so to my new my new friend Kimberly out there in YouTube land and
to my Nicole's and to my Simona's and to my Sherri's and and to my Naomi's and to
To all of you out there who are struggling to gain some type of understanding?
About how to transcend the various emotions that that show up in us on our Roche recovery
Be careful that that when you when you look at mom or you look at dad and someone in your family that you've kind of
broken away from your own
sense of safety and emotional freedom and
clarity and love of self
Be careful that when you look over your shoulder and you look at them and you start to feel negative that you don't tend to
Throw all of those emotions into one box called guilt
you know when we have to learn to differentiate the various levels of emotions and the
rainbow of emotions
That they really are out there. You can have empathy and you can have compassion and you can feel sad and you can feel
Sort of like a great
You know, you can have compassion and all those things you can feel those things
But you need to differentiate them so that you just don't look over your shoulder and just feel like crap like oh damn
You know, I wasn't able to save her so I feel guilty no dr1
It's not your job to save your mom
You did the best that you could it's your job to now take whatever happened in your past and to make the best life
experience that you possibly can and it sounds like you are you're an amazing woman and
You're learning and you're putting all these lessons to to
To work in your life and and you're you're raising your vibration. So you're breaking the cycle. What's better than that Dean one?
I say fly fly fly
My name is Lisa a Romano my life coach for adult children of alcoholics and adult children or narcissistic
Parents and and it has been my pleasure to release this video to you today
namaste