Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World,
'I've done more fighting that I've seen old movies'
Battle Beyond the Stars is a remake of the Magnificent Seven / Seven Samurai
‘Seven ships’
'seven'
Made by someone who saw Star Wars’ box office receipts and thought;
"I’ll have me some of that and I’ll start with the opening shot."
That person was Roger Corman,
who also decided both Star wars and the Magnificent Seven were lacking in one department.
'You know, sex.'
Although Corman is renowned for his cutprice approach,
Battle Beyond the Stars had a surprisingly high budget.
‘I’ve been very well paid for my work’
The effects, on which a young James Cameron worked, aren’t terrible,
and although much is stolen, at least they're stealing from the best.
‘Yes, I can see that’
But the success of Seven samurai remakes is determined by the characterisation of the Seven.
‘This is space cowboy’
That’s his whole character, and he has the Confederate flag on his spaceship to prove it.
Robert Vaughn reprises his role from the original magnificent seven as the one with the troubled past.
'I'm very good at it'
While Sybil Danning would return in Seven Magnificent gladiators as the one with very few clothes.
‘You’ve never seen a Valkyrie go down’
These are not subtle characters.
‘Are you a bad man?’
These are not subtle relationships.
‘I scanned information about mating. Does your species have kissing?’
Which makes it much harder to care when they get shot down.
Why is only his bed on fire?
‘I do not have time for this’
That said, I did worry about the one threaten by a chainsaw made out of a cereal packet.
And the Seven are at least interesting,
unlike our hero...
'Who will find them?'
'I will'
'You, you're a boy'
Farm boy, Shad Skywalker, who has none of Luke's likeable naivety.
‘Dummy’
and is immediately brilliant at everything he tries.
'I did it, I didn't think I just did it'
Which is very annoying J J Abrams.
'Very dull'
The bad guy meanwhile...
‘I am Sador of the Malmori’
At least they took the trouble to change two of the letter in his name.
'I have come with my forces to conquer you'
Since the entire planet's population consists of one small village while Sador...
'Has never lost a war.'
This ought to be pretty easy, and yet.
'Your harvest comes in 7 risings of your red giant. I will return then'
That makes sense when it's marauding bandits looking for food, but why is an imperial ruler with...
'The most powerful weapon in the universe’
...waiting for them to get the space harvest in?!
'If you do not submit, your planet and all life on it will be burnt to ash.'
Rendering the whole exercise totally pointless.
'I want your planet to be my colony'
Why? Does this planet have something else of value?
'Ive seen it and there is nothing on that planet.'
The only fun bit of watching Battle Beyond the Stars is spotting the Star Wars stuff crowbarred in.
‘Think of the Varda Shad’
Use the Force Luke.
‘Would you like me to put a short circuit in your audio?’
They also have doors that sound like Darth vader's breathing.
But it does also anticipate future films.
‘Zed of the Corsair has ended.’
Zed’s dead baby.
'Let me rephrase that.'
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'Well, you've proven yourself to be a pain in the neck, so why don't you just fly off?