Let's begin with an update on former Fox News grand wizard,
Tucker Carlson.
Last night, Tucker re-emerged for the first time
since he was fired, recording a personal video
from his business sauna.
Good evening, it's Tucker Carlson.
One of the first things you realize when you step
outside the noise for a few days
is how many genuinely nice people
there are in this country, kind and decent people.
The other thing you notice going to take a little time
off is how unbelievably stupid most of the debates
you see on television are.
They're completely irrelevant.
They mean nothing.
In five years, we won't even remember that we had them.
Where can you still find Americans saying true things?
There aren't many places left, but there are some,
and that's enough.
As long as you can hear the words, there is hope.
See you soon.
[laughter]
Wow.
Good for Tucker.
Even though he's isolated in a remote cabin somewhere,
he's still getting his message out, just like the Unabomber.
[laughter]
And you know what?
You know what?
Let's give Tucker credit for not saying the C-word once
during this video.
Bravo, Tucker!
I know!
[cheering, applause]
I know that was really hard for you, although it is funny
how he said, when you step outside the noise,
people are actually pretty nice.
Buddy, you are the noise.
Your entire show was being mean to people--
trans people, immigrants, women, lady M&Ms.
Tucker complaining about people being mean
is like Guy Fieri complaining about how
there are no salad shows.
Meanwhile, CNN's female expiration
date checker, Don Lemon, was also fired this week.
And he's handling things much differently.
REPORTER: Don Lemon spoke for the first time
at a starstudded event, appearing
on the red carpet at the annual Time
100 Gala in New York City.
What is next for you, Don?
I don't know, sitting on the beach with this gentleman
all summer, and having a great summer.
I'm going to have the summer of a 12-year-old.
[laughter]
Yep.
Don Lemon is going to have the summer of a 12-year-old,
so I guess getting horny while reading
the Harry Potter books?
I don't know.
I like how Tucker is like, I'm going to do whatever it takes
to fight for the truth, and Don Lemon's like, I'm
going to go boogie-board.
Don, listen.
You don't need to go back to being a 12-year-old to live
your best life.
Don't let anyone tell you you're past your prime.
[laughter]
[cheering, applause]
Let's move on to Washington, DC,
where Congress yesterday held hearings on COVID school
closings, with testimony from Teachers Union
President Randi Weingarten.
And I think we can agree that this is an entirely reasonable
subject for rational debate.
That is, of course, unless QAnon Karen is involved.
Ms. Weingarten, are you a mother?
I am a mother by marriage.
By marriage?
I see.
RANDI WEINGARTEN: And my wife is here with me,
so I'm really glad that she's here.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE: What I'd
like to talk about is your recommendations to the CDC,
as not a medical doctor, not a biological mother,
and really not a teacher.
People like you need to admit that you're just
a political activist, not a teacher, not a mother,
and not a medical doctor.
[audience booing]
Jesus!
What the hell was that about?
Listen, Marjorie, you don't get to decide
who's a mother or not.
That job exclusively belongs to gay men on TikTok.
[laughter]
[cheering, applause]
Also, it's a little weird to hear MTG dissing stepmothers,
because this woman has the most stepmom
energy I have ever seen.
Remember that white coat?
OK, that is not the coat you wear when you're a mom.
That's the coat you wear when you're [bleep] someone's dad.
[laughter, applause]
And finally, you may have noticed that air travel has
been kind of a shit show lately,
between unruly passengers, delays, long security lines,
thanks to the TSA's policy of finding every dildo.
Well, not every dildo.
[laughter]
[cheering, applause]
And all of that was bad enough before a new problem showed
up-- actual Angry Birds.
REPORTER: Four dramatic bird strikes over Texas,
all within 24 hours, forcing planes packed with passengers
to turn around.
Listen as pilots on a United flight
from Houston to Santiago, Chile,
describe it right after takeoff.
PILOT: We are declaring the emergency for the bird strike.
REPORTER: Two other flights-- an American Airlines flight
from McAllen to Dallas and a Southwest flight from
Houston to Corpus Christi--
all colliding with birds.
These strikes come after that terrifying incident
over the weekend.
PILOT: Mayday, mayday, mayday.
We had a bird strike and an engine failure.
And we are only going to hear about more of these
as we go into the summer because more than half
of all bird strikes happen between July and October.
Not July through October!
What about Don Lemon's 12-year-old summer?
[laughter]
Man!
OK, birds flying into planes--
that's terrifying.
But I kind of get it.
I just watched the Avatar sequel on a flight,
and I also wanted to throw myself into a jet engine.
Now, the question is, how can we make the skies safer?
To get every perspective, we turn to our news team.
[cheering, applause]
Starting with our very own Dulce Sloan!
Dulce!
What can be done about the bird strikes?
Oh!
Nothing.
Look, this is survival of the fittest, baby girl.
OK?
If a bird can't see or hear a 747,
it's time for that bird to meet bird Jesus.
[laughter]
[cheering, applause]
It's not up to me.
I mean, that bird is not the best or the brightest.
If it wasn't going to be a plane,
it was going to be a glass door.
Sorry, bird Jesus?
The point is, we've had planes for over 70 years.
If the birds don't know about it yet, that's on them.
I'm not letting it stop me from going to Barbados.
There's a nice man there, called
Winston, looking for me.
OK.
Good for you, Dulce.
That's--
[cheering, applause]
OK.
You know, that's a hard-line position.
So you're saying you don't care about any of the birds?
[gasps] Desi Elizabeth Lydic.
That's not--
Of course I care about the birds.
Chickens are birds.
And I [bleep] with chickens.
[cheering, applause]
Because they know their place, and that place
is in a sandwich.
Fair point, fair point.
Now, we turn to the forest with our very own Jordan Klepper.
Hi, Desi.
[cheering, applause]
So should humans show no regard for birds in the sky?
Of course not, Desi.
This is such a typical human response to colonize the air.
First, we appropriate bird culture by flying
into their home, uninvited.
We mock their bird ethnic cuisine by eating
our little nuts in a bag.
And then, tell them they're not welcome?
No, I will not be co-opting avian spaces.
The Wright brothers?
Ha!
More like the Wrong brothers.
If you want to get to Houston, just do what I do.
Hop on an E-bike.
Boom, 30 days later, you're there.
Wow.
OK.
[cheering, applause]
You're clearly team bird.
Interesting.
Well, let's turn to Roy Wood, Jr. Roy--
[cheering, applause]
Hey, Desi.
Hey.
Roy, what side are you on?
Desi, I'm on neither side.
The solution is to come together and share the skies.
That's why we need to convince the birds
to fly in the planes with us.
It's a win-win. It's a win-win.
Look at me right now.
Look at me right now, Desi.
I'm on a flight to Miami, sharing
a seat with this little guy.
His name's Daryl, and we've become
great friends on this flight.
Isn't that right, Daryl?
Oh, Roy, that's so cute!
That's very inspiring.
I love that.
Dulce, Roy says that we can share the skies.
Listen, you know what birds are like.
If you give them an inch, they'll shit on it.
Now, I don't trust animals that poop white.
I mean, is this how you make Wite-Out?
Uh, I'm not sure.
Does anybody know what Wite-Out is?
Don't know.
Uh--
I didn't think so.
I don't know about that, but Jordan, what do you think?
No, that's not how they make Wite-Out.
Frankly, the only upside to humans in the sky
is that we might die.
That's when we're reminded we are alive.
Desi, I'm going to tell you a story.
A while ago, before I was versed in the oppressive
structures of aerodynamics, I was on a flight
that was hit by a bird strike.
And I thought I was going to perish.
And while the plane was going down,
I called the girl I had a crush on in high school
and told her I loved her.
Oh, wow, that's a really sweet story.
Well, my wife didn't think so.
Uh-- Neither did Tanya or her husband.
By the time I landed, two marriages were in shambles.
That's why man doesn't belong in the sky, Desi!
It will only end in tears and three months
in a Buffalo airport La Quinta Inn.
Oh, that's sad.
I have to say, I like the idea of sharing our planes
with the birds, Roy.
I think I agree with you.
Bad news, Desi!
Daryl hijacked the plane!
He bit my finger!
Son of a bitch went straight to the cockpit!
Now we're all migrating South for the winter!
You betrayed me, Daryl!
I shared my pretzels with you!
I've got to text somebody I love!
Oh, oh, oh!
Tanya, I love you!
And thank you for choosing me over the white boy!
JORDAN KLEPPER: Wait, wait, is that my Tanya?
Is that my-- Tanya, I'm still into it!
I'm still open, Tanya!
All right, guys.
Land safely, Roy!
Roy, Dulce, and Jordan, everybody!