Let's move on to the only thing
that terrifies President Trump more than going bald:
the Mueller investigation.
We have breaking news from The New York Times,
which has obtained the list of 49 questions
that Special Counsel Robert Mueller
has recently provided to President Trump's lawyers,
questions that Mueller wants answered
in an interview with the president.
REPORTER: Five about his fired national security advisor,
Michael Flynn; 21 about fired FBI Director Jim Comey;
nine about Attorney General Jeff Sessions;
and 14 about coordination with Russia.
REPORTER 2: We have a graphic of at least 40 of the questions
that Robert Mueller's team would ask the president.
Okay, that's a ton of questions.
Like, you can't make Trump read that much.
No, I mean, the only things that Trump reads
are his Twitter mentions and the Garfield cartoons
the CIA slips into his daily intelligence briefings.
That's it. And I get, I get why Mueller wants
to ask Trump these questions,
but I think it'll be a waste of his time.
'Cause you know that every answer to every one
of these questions is just gonna be Trump going,
"They said I could never get to 270 electoral college votes.
I got 306, folks. So many votes."
Mueller will be like, "My question was,
please state your name for the record."
"Oh, I'm sorry, It's Donald Trump.
'T,' as in tremendous electoral college victory!"
So Robert Mueller gave a list of questions to Trump's legal team,
and those questions have now leaked to the media.
And everyone knows, unless it's in a hotel room in Russia,
President Trump does not like leaks.
REPORTER: The president tweeting this...
(reading):
"Nice!"
This is America's first sarcastic president.
"Nice!"
I mean, don't get me wrong, having a sarcastic president
is cool until shit hits the fan.
Gonna be like, "Oh, you're gonna kill all these hostages?
"Nice! Oh, wait, you did?
My bad, my bad, my bad."
But you can tell from this tweet that the president
is really mad. First off, because he says
none of Mueller's questions are about collusion,
which is not true, because 14 of the questions
are about collusion. But I guess if you round down,
14's basically zero.
And, second, second,
he's really mad, because he believes
that Mueller's team leaked these questions to the press.
But what if it turns out
the leak is coming from inside the house?
It's very likely--
or at least it would make a lot of sense--
that the leak would come from Trump-world.
They're looking for the media and the public to go,
"Geez, these questions are really hard."
-Yeah. -They-they really would not go well for him.
He can't sit down. Because they can't convince him
to not do it themselves.
Because people like us on television would be saying
-that this is a really bad idea. -Oh.
And perhaps he listens to television
-more than he listens to his own advisors. -Perhaps.
(laughter)
Being Trump's lawyer must be so exhausting.
No, just think about it.
He won't listen to you,
so you have to launder your legal advice through the TV.
Trump's lawyers are basically doing the same thing parents do
to get their kids to eat greens, you know?
Just like, "Come on, Timmy, eat your broccoli."
"I don't wanna!"
(high-pitched): "Mr. Sock says broccoli is delicious!"
"Yay, broccoli!
"I love Mr. Sock!
I hate Daddy!"
"Oh, come on, your daddy's a great guy."
"Nuh-uh. I like Mr. Bob more.
He hugs Mommy during the day."
"What the (bleep)? What the (bleep)?"
So, this is interesting. This is interesting, right?
Trump's lawyers may have leaked these questions
so that the news will tell Trump to not talk to Mueller.
And, uh, guess which news
did exactly what Trump's team needed?
♪ ♪
This garbage from The New York Times tonight.
Absolute garbage.
No attorney will ever let this president
sit down with Robert Mueller.
This New York Times thing,
put it in your fireplace and burn it.
Because we have sources that sa...
Half of these questions are dumb anyway.
You... "Oh, what was in your mind at the time?"
You don't... you don't punish people or charge people
for the thoughts they have in their head.
You know, my favorite thing about Sean Hannity
is he's the wrongest right-sounding person
you'll ever meet.
Because you realize you can get charged
because of the thoughts you had in your head.
It's called criminal intent.
It's such a basic concept of law and order
that they put it in the name of the show.
(laughter)
(applause and cheering)
And...
And you know what... and you know what
I find amazing about all of this?
Like, just-just when you think about it,
what I find amazing about all of this is,
everyone is telling Trump
he shouldn't sit down with Robert Mueller.
But why?
If he's innocent, just go answer the questions.
I know some people might be saying,
"No, Trevor. Mueller is clearly trying to trap Trump.
That's what he's trying to do. He's trying to trap him!"
What trap? He's giving Trump the questions ahead of time.
That's not a trap.
Trump can practice his answers.
He can tattoo them on himself like Memento if he needs.
(laughter)
I mean, hell, if it helps, he can memorize his answers
in song form. He can be like,
♪ I did not protect Michael Flynn ♪
♪ And I never met Putin. ♪
Like you can... you can do it all!
How is this a trap?
(applause and cheering)
I honestly find this mind-blowing because,
like, this is the world's easiest open-book test,
and, still, still, Trump's people are going,
"Yeah." (inhaling sharply)
"I'm worried he's still gonna fail."