What's up, sports fans?
I'm Michael Kosta.
My usual partner, Roy Wood, Jr., is not with us.
He's away getting his belly button enlarged.
But it's all good, because I'm joined by my man
with a normal belly button, Jaboukie Young-White.
Jaboukie, are you ready to be a professional sports commentator?
Well, I actually don't know a lot about sports.
Well, then, you're perfect. Let's start with tennis.
This weekend was the final Grand Slam of the year,
and as usual, it did not disappoint.
Now that thrilling U.S. Open final.
Rafael Nadal winning the title in a marathon match
last night, lasting almost five hours.
It's his 19th career Grand Slam.
Then on Saturday,
19-year-old tennis phenom Bianca Andreescu
beating Serena Williams in straight sets
to win the women's title.
WOMAN: She apologized to Serena. It was kind of cute.
I know you guys wanted Serena to win, so I'm so sorry.
-Wow. -(audience groaning)
She won the U.S. Open, and then, she apologized for it.
That has to be the most Canadian thing ever.
(laughter)
That's more Canadian than eating poutine out of the Stanley Cup.
-But you know what? It is Serena. -Mm-hmm.
She's a legend, man. If I was playing her,
I'd apologize every time I returned the ball.
Okay.
I'd just be like... (grunts) "Sorry!"
(grunts) "You're a queen! Slay! I love you!"
That... This wasn't even close, Jaboukie.
Andreescu beat Serena in straight sets.
She got wrapped, packed and sent home to Mama.
S-Sent home to Mama? What is that supposed to...?
Oh. Oh, that's right. You don't know how this works.
Uh, it's a sportscaster thing.
You just kind of cartoonishly exaggerate
how somebody got beat.
Okay. All right, I can do that.
-Yeah. -Yeah, okay. Sure.
Andreescu didn't just beat Serena.
She grabbed her, stabbed her and cut her (bleep) head off.
-Okay, that's... Okay, that's... -(laughter, gasping)
We'll work on that.
You know, Jay Y-doub,
when one season comes to an end, another begins.
That's right. The NFL is back.
Yes, and opening weekend was a disaster for New York.
The Giants and the Jets lost.
-Okay, so you did watch? -Oh, no, I just assumed.
-(laughter) -Oh, Okay. Speaking...
Speaking of New York losing,
one former Giants player came back flashier than ever.
Odell Beckham Jr. made his debut
with the Cleveland Browns yesterday,
but it's his flex that has a lot of people talking.
So fans quickly noticed that Beckham was wearing
a watch during actual game action,
which is pretty unusual, you know, for a contact sport.
But a closer look at the watch revealed
that it wasn't just any watch.
It was a Richard Mille watch.
WOMAN 2: I've never heard of it.
WOMAN 1: Uh, USA Today reports
it is a model watch priced at $350,000.
-MAN: Yeah. -(audience groaning)
This dude wore a watch worth hundreds of thousands of dollars
to play football?
I don't feel comfortable wearing my good jeans
if I think I'm gonna eat spaghetti that night.
And here's where it's tough, Jaboukie.
I eat spaghetti... every night.
(laughter)
Dude, your life sounds awful.
(laughter)
But wait. Is that a thing?
Like, do other football players wear watches when they play?
No, no. Contact sports don't allow it.
Football players can't wear watches 'cause it's dangerous.
Boxers can't wear watches 'cause it's dangerous.
Baseball players can't wear watches,
'cause they'll be checking them the whole time, you know.
"I've been out here for five hours.
It's only the third inning?"
Jaboukie, here's what Odell needs to learn.
Odell, all right, you got to quit being flashy
and focus on the team.
You're making the big bucks now.
Odell, you got to lead by example.
Oh, yeah. Wait. Hold on. Is Odell watching?
(laughter)
I didn't know that he watched the show. What's up?
No, he... He's not actually watching.
As a professional sportscaster,
you act like you're telling the athlete what to do.
We're really just talking to our viewers.
Okay, so, you're a guy telling other guys
what you would tell another guy,
and then, you go home, and you eat spaghetti.
(laughter)
Damn, man, your life is awful.
Uh, well, you know, let-let...
Let's move on, okay?
'Cause the biggest news about the NFL is about a player
who didn't even play.
This is the NFL's opening weekend,
and there has already been a lot of drama.
Star wide receiver Antonio Brown was cut
from the Oakland Raiders just hours
after asking to be released from the team.
-(indistinct shouting) -MAN 2: This was the moment
Brown found out he had been freed.
-NEWSMAN: ...the Raiders... -Free!
(indistinct shouting)
Oh! Oh! OH!
Freedom. (mutters)
I can fly like I'm free!
♪ Fly like an eagle! ♪
(gasping)
Grandma, they freed me! Ha, ha!
They freed me, Grandma!
(laughter, groaning)
I'm not gonna lie.
This feels like what would happen
if we had Twitter back during slavery.
-(laughter, groaning) -Okay. Okay, now...
Now, you know how Antonio Brown handled the Raiders?
He wrapped 'em, he packed 'em, and he sent 'em home to Mama.
-Yeah, I guess you could say he tripped 'em. -Yup.
He flipped 'em, and then, he sent 'em a box of anthrax.
-(laughter) -This, you know...
This is not working out.
Roy, I hope your belly button gets bigger soon.
-I'm praying for you. -We'll be back next week
with another edition of "I Apologize."