A.J. Mahari here are you somebody with who's probably a codependent whether you know that
or not yet are you somebody with somebody with bpd or you just were with somebody with bpd but so the
relationship maybe you got ghosted maybe there was a relationship breakup and there's been recycling
there's still been communication as happens for so many people by the way and so are
you still sort of struggling and failing but struggling and you keep trying to do
the magical sort of part of codependent denial thing after relationship is over
and you kind of know that but no matter how you're feeling about it
are you trying to do a magical thing this is left in the comments while i'm looking at the phone
um so are you still struggling and and failing to go no contact for example because you keep
wanting this magical thing called no closure to be resolved with closure and if that's the case
well i don't like why questions but if that's the case maybe ask yourself and explore
why can't you find your no what is it that you are not willing to let go of yet which can be
tons of things for many people after these relationships with codependency
with what the codependency means about your childhood experience which is usually to one
degree or another replicated in a relationship with somebody with bpd so are you struggling still
are you getting hoovered are you allowing yourself to be hoovered are you reverse hoovering
is there still dialogue some communication texting and or waiting for to hear back
from the person with bpd and all of it though really is maybe you're not aware
you know because a lot of people i've worked with a lot of clients and still i'm working
with a lot of well i'm always working with a lot of clients but clients who said it over the years
that they were just looking for closure sometimes that is a codependent unconscious kind of code
for i still want to try again i still want him or her back so you have to kind of like have to
kind of like sorry about that you really need to think about what is it exactly that your intent
is what are you do whatever you're doing like if you're struggling and maybe feel like you're
failing and you're trying to get this closure and you're still having contact with an ex and
you know maybe it's on and off and everything but like as opposed to just getting into therapy to
start really looking at this and doing healing recovery work you need to do from codependency
and the relationship i'm out here to work with you if i resonate with you when i work with clients
i'm with clients in all different kinds of places in these processes right so
you don't have to be no contact first you don't have to have left the person with bpd you can be
in this struggle of i really need no closure and but what does it really mean for you and
and you're looking for no did i say i really need no closure
and you might be really you know strongly feeling that your intention is just to get closure because
there is no closure and that really it distresses and frustrates and hurts people immensely
so are you in this struggle of trying to still do this and if you are do you think you could use
some help to figure out the kind of why like what is your intent with that because so many people i
mean i've worked with so many clients thousands over the last 31 years right but many people
really do mean that they want closure and they are done or they're pretty sure that's what they mean
but guess what my experience has taught me with lots of clients over lots of years
is that there's still a want there it might not be in your conscious awareness as a codependent
it may still be co-dependent denial but even while telling yourself one thing logically in your mind
oh i've had enough of that i'm done this hurts too much i know i gotta heal i know i gotta look at my
family of origin i gotta look at my childhood i gotta do the work i need to recall i need to heal
and that can all be going on up here and the cognitive and emotional dissonance
is driving this what you believe is an intent because you just have to seek that closure and so
you know and and i've had so many clients do so many different things to try to seek it
and of course it ends up being more painful than helpful so if you're in this flailing or you know
trying how did the commenter put it in this
struggling and failing in the keep keep on trying because you keep on trying to get closure
well it it for more people than not means you're either still in codependent denial
and or you know could be and or you still want to try again because so many people under the
guise of really believing i just need closure i just need to know this why or that why or
you know did i do this or did i do that or if i would have done this or if i would have done that
so you have to really understand and a lot of people don't really understand to the core of
consciousness right to your awareness what is your intent with all of this so the struggle
and the failing to get the closure because it's pretty elusive and in most cases like 98
99 there isn't going to be any closure from an untreated and or undiagnosed bpd x and so
not even closure really in other types of relationships either when people are like i can't
yeah i can't put up with my mother anymore she's borderline and now i
had these borderline x's and you so if you're in this looking for closure and you're struggling
and you're failing but you're still involved in it right you're still attached to it you
are suffering from it you are engaging it are you consciously aware of your intent
because a slippery slope for so many people even after a long time out of the relationship
if you're not full no contact you're not in therapy and you're not moving forward through your
own healing recovery process chances are there's some codependent denial there chances are that you
are still more than you know trying to recycle the relationship and so how do you go about
when there is no closure when you've tried and tried or you may still be trying for closure
you may still be hoping for closure and this for some people it's been years how do you find
your no how do you find that sort of off valve in your heart you know in your emotions
not just logically because your head is already telling you something
that's mixed with like i said codependent denial the struggle the failing but you're still trying
to get closure because you're not finished for so many people that's what it's about
or there's questions that you could answer for yourself i help people all the time if you want
to work with me i'm out here if i resonate with you questions you need to answer by looking at
your own codependency and the roots of it your own family of origin that will give you closure
on so many things plus the bpdx but you need to find your no you need to find your boundary of no
contact no contact starts with no it's important to put up a boundary called no no contact no more
not seeking closure because i'm not sure if it's a slippery slope don't know need to let it go
hurts so incredibly much and feels impossible and then the one step just one thing one action step
you need to take not even necessarily before you stop seeking closure and struggling and failing
etc and with what intent you know maybe you're not aware you need to get yourself into therapy
where you can really talk about it and when i work with clients they can talk about the borderline if
that's needed they can talk about the struggle and the failing and the no closure and we can
explore what your intent really is and then we can also simultaneously or maybe after a bit
people are all different we can start to look at the intention and what that means
and what you're feeling and how strongly you're feeling what you're feeling so that you're still
seeking this closure and can't find the no contact but more of the point can't find your voice
and the word no to set up a boundary that people after these relationships really really need
in order to move on into in their healing and recovery journey from the relationship from family
of origin issues that create a codependency for you and codependency recovery therapy is your way
forward like i've said in videos recently if you aren't an alcoholic or a drug addict
and you are a non-cluster b codependent you have no need for any 12-step program
you need therapy it will help you so if you're still struggling and failing and trying to get
closure you're in some modicum of denial and or you're not aware of your conscious intent and it's
a slippery slope so you know i hope that if you if this resonates with you if you can relate to this
even after years or you're pretty sure you moved on you'd be surprised how many people i've worked
with it we're pretty sure they moved on or even people that comment to the channel and the next
thing you know there they are back there again but sometimes you can't get the borderline's attention
again you can't get any kind of communication as you're seeking struggling for and failing
to be able to get back into a dialogue with bpdx which is actually not it feels horrible but it's
not really a negative thing for you but it feels that way so get into therapy and then
learn in therapy as i help clients with skills and tools and awareness and all kinds of things
learn to find you know and learn to start understanding what boundaries really are about
why you need boundaries and limits why you need to take care of you now even though it feels so
impossible and not doesn't have the reward attached that if you could just get their
attention again if you could just recycle one more time or if you really truly are finished and you
could just get that closure you think then you'd feel better you know what it doesn't really help
because you have a healing and recovery journey to take and therapy is your way forward so take care