- Hey, everybody, happy Thursday.
And today's question is a good one
but before we jump into that, are you new to my channel?
Welcome, I am a Licensed Therapist talking about
all things mental health
and I release videos on Mondays and on Thursdays
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But now let's jump in to today's question
and it is, Katie, do you have any advice
on expressing or releasing anger?
It's an emotion I never learned to express.
It wasn't modeled in a healthy way for me growing up
and it's completely destroying me and my relationships
and I feel terrified.
Now, just so you all know,
anger is the most commonly avoided emotion.
It's really a tie, to be honest, between anger
and any kind of, like, sadness or vulnerability,
and I believe that's mainly because these emotions
can leave us feeling out of control
or possibly open to even more hurt.
But don't worry, as an anger avoider myself,
I have a bunch of ideas of things that I've used personally
and with my patients to really help you better understand
and manage your anger.
Now, my first tip is emotion collages.
And I've talked about these before.
If you don't remember, emotion collages are ways
that we can kind of write an emotion word
in the middle of it so in this video it will be like anger,
right, but you can pick any emotion you struggle with.
It might be sadness, it might be excitement,
I know that sounds weird.
Some of my patients get very scared and overwhelmed
and are fearful of any happy emotions
because they're not used to them.
They don't know what to expect and maybe don't like it.
And so, know that there's no judgment.
You can put any emotion word on the page
and you fill it up with either photos
that make you think about emotion,
other words that relate to it,
even other sentences, other colors.
If it's anger, for me, I would consider red or orange.
It seems very fiery, very intense.
Any kind of color that works for you, you could do that.
So, it's just a way to collage
about the emotion that we feel.
And these, I find, they're a bit easier to start
because they don't really require us
to know exactly how we feel or how we wanna express it.
All it requires is that we think about the anger
or the upset, or whatever it is,
whatever emotion word it is.
And if anger itself is too much,
if that really is a struggle for you,
maybe even thinking about anger,
you're like, huh, I can't, I can't, I don't want to.
Then, maybe, we start with the less charged emotion
like irritated or simply upset.
And you can color it, like I said, any color that you want,
cut out pieces of magazines, newspapers,
write out words or phrases,
or even quotes that you feel express that emotion for you.
And just the act of putting these together
can often cause us to feel just a little bit of relief
from the overwhelm that we may have been experiencing
when we even consider this emotion.
And so, that's a great place to start.
Number two, physical activity.
Another favorite of mine, to be honest.
And this could be kicking or throwing a ball into
a wall or a net.
This could be doing yoga, stretching it out,
trying to let it go, or even kickboxing.
Whatever you're able to do physically
that expresses the anger that you feel, do it!
Some of my patients who struggle with any exercise
find throwing pillows around room to even be helpful.
Or playing a video game where they get
to really kick someone's ass, you know.
Whatever helps, may take time to do it.
And I also, I've been to this in an older video,
that there are these things called rage rooms.
And I know it sounds crazy but it's super, super cool
and I think you pay like 20 bucks
and you go in and you just break a bunch of shit.
And that sounds really great,
especially if anger is the thing that we're struggling with.
It's a great way to get it out.
And they give you, like, hammers and mallets
and things you can just beat a whole room up.
That's why they're called rage rooms.
It's a great place and great safe place
to express maybe all the upset that we feel.
Tip number three, journaling.
And obviously, you know this is a personal fave of mine
because it helps me to actually write out by hand,
I know, my hand, how angry I am at someone
or at a situation, and then I often tear it up.
And I know that can sound crazy
but sometimes, creating it, putting it out there,
being upset about it, and then getting rid of it
can just feel so cathartic.
It can feel so much better.
Sometimes I even cry or scream while I write it out.
Don't worry what someone else might think about you
while you're doing this.
There's no judgment.
And preferably, do it in a private place.
This is a way for you to kinda get something off your chest,
you need to feel free to express all your going through,
without worry that someone might hear you
or judge you in any way.
And journaling can also be a great way
to learn about yourself and your experience with anger.
Like the person in this question said,
it was never modeled in a healthy way for them.
So, let's be detectives.
You know how much I love being a detective.
But we need to be a detective a bit
to find out about our anger and its role in our life.
We have to understand something
before we can even begin to try and change it
so consider what it was when you were a kid,
how was anger expressed to you,
how was your expression of anger accepted or not.
Did you get in trouble for being angry,
at school, at home?
Usually, that's the case.
Because we're taught that anger is a terrible,
horrible emotion that we should be embarrassed about,
we stuff it down and we don't feel safe to express it.
When in reality, anger is a protective emotion.
It's a thing that when we feel kind of hurt, it's secondary,
if you don't know, anger is a secondary emotion,
meaning it comes after something else.
Usually that first thing has something to do with hurt.
So, if a friend of mine says something really hurtful to me,
I'm not gonna cry necessarily but I'm gonna be like,
uhh, screw you, I never liked you anyway!
I can get angry 'cause I'm protecting myself
because I feel wounded.
And so, it's really important for us
to kinda take a look back,
that's why journaling can be helpful
as to move back into our life and think,
where did that anger come from
and how was it okay to express it as a child and not?
Did I get in trouble for it?
And what did that mean just considering it
because we have to almost relearn how to express anger
and that it's okay to do so.
And my fourth tip is to find ways to calm your system down.
When we stuff anger for a really long time,
like I was just talking about,
this could have been happening since we are six or seven,
we just keep stuffing those feelings down,
that anger that we maybe need to express,
then we can feel so full
that it can start affecting our body, right?
We can struggle with anxiety
and overall tension as a result.
Many of my patients have even had blood pressure issues
because of their inability to express anger healthily.
A more recent patient of mine had anger/stress-induced
eczema all over her,
on her head and through her scalp, and on her hands,
and up her arms, and behind her knees.
Her doctor couldn't figure out why it didn't happen to all
and the only thing that came around
was that it was probably due to her stuffing of emotions
and her high anxiety that've been going on for years.
So, consider trying meditation, stretching, yoga,
maybe walking, having animals.
If you don't remember, I did a video a long time ago
with my friend Almy Sung and went to a rescue
and I talked about the petting of animals
and how that helps our body release feel good chemicals.
And so it could be really great.
You know, also deep breathing,
listening to calming music, taking a bath,
whatever helps you calm down a bit, keep doing it.
And also check in with yourself
and get to know your triggers
as well as how anger feels in your body
so that you can work to calm yourself down
before you completely lose your temper
or potentially just shut down.
Because the more we know about our body
and its response to, let's say, sadness, anger,
and any other emotion we may feel,
the better we can recognize that early on
and calm down more quickly.
So, try some different things out
and have a few that you can do
no matter what time of day or night
because we all know, I don't know why,
whatever we're struggling with,
it always seem to get worse at night.
So, make sure that there things you can do
at three in the morning.
And fifth and finally, learn to lean into your anger
and be curious about it.
Remember I talked about being a detective?
Because anger serves a purpose.
It protects us.
So, what are we so afraid of
if anger is actually protecting us?
The less we shy away from our anger,
the less out of control it would feel.
So, feel it, ask it questions, figure out what caused it
or where it's coming from,
and overall, become friends with it.
I know that sounds kinda hockey pujjocky
but I promise, it can really, really help
because anger does keep us safe.
And there are gonna be times in our life
when we need to use it.
Let's say when we catch a friend talking behind our backs
or our partner cheats on us,
and in those moments, we need to feel
that it's our helpful protective friend, not our foe.
And that's why making anger your friend
will really, really help,
help it feel less out of control, less scary,
and more of a tool that we can use,
or kind of a symptom that we know shows us
something else is going on.
Really need to use it to our own benefit.
And again, just know it's okay to be scared of our anger
and feel that it's sometimes out of control.
But just remember these tools and techniques,
and hopefully we can find your anger
to be a helpful indicator and protector
when you need it most.
And as always, I wanna hear from you.
Let me know in those comments down below.
What are ways that you've learned
to helpfully express your anger?
Are there other tools I left out?
Let us know down below and I will see you next time, bye.