WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I'VE GOT CRANBERRY FEVER BECAUSE IT'S ALMOST
THANKSGIVING.
THIS AFTERNOON, THE PRESIDENT GOT IN THE MOOD AT THE ANNUAL
TURKEY PARDONING.
EVERY YEAR, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE GET A CHOICE BETWEEN
SPARING TWO BIRDS.
THIS YEAR THEY'RE NAMED "PEAS" AND "CARROTS."
THE TURKEYS DISGUISED THEMSELVES AS VEGETABLES SO TRUMP WOULD NOT
BE TEMPTED TO EAT THEM.
( LAUGHTER )
CHOICES, THE WHITE HOUSE PUBLISHED BIOS OF EACH BIRD.
FOR INSTANCE, PEAS' FAVORITE MUSIC IS BRAD PAISLEY, AND HIS
FAVORITE PASTIME IS WATCHING PLANES; WHILE CARROTS' FAVORITE
MUSIC IS ELVIS AND TURN-ONS INCLUDE FLOPPY NECK SKIN AND
GETTING STUFFED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE MIGHT HAVE MADE ONE OF THOSE UP.
DID WE MAKE THAT UP?
DID WE MAKE ANY OF THOSE UP?
IT'S POSSIBLE WE MADE SOME OF THAT UP.
( LAUGHTER )
RESULTS CAME IN AT 11:00 A.M.
TODAY: A DEAD HEAT AT 50-50.
EVEN OUR TURKEY VOTING IS HOPELESSLY DIVIDED IN AMERICA.
PEAS AND CARROTS WERE SELECTED FROM A GROUP OF 50 BIRDS WHO
WERE TRAINED FROM A YOUNG AGE TO BE COMFORTABLE WITH LIGHTS,
CROWDS, AND MUSIC.
YES, THEY STARTED SO YOUNG.
IT'S ALL CHRONICLED IN THE SERIES "TURKEYS AND TIARAS."
( LAUGHTER ) (AS STAGE MOM)
"COME ON, HONEY, LET THEM HEAR YOUR GOBBLE!
GET OUT THERE, OKAY!
OKAY!
LISTEN, I JUST HAVE TO BE HONESTEST-- YOU'RE FAT.
YOU'RE FAT."
( LAUGHTER )
THIS AFTERNOON, THE BIG MOMENT ARRIVED AND TRUMP BEGAN BY
INTRODUCING THE TURKEYS.
>> IT HAS BEEN STATED THAT PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN,
HONEST ABE, WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO GRANT SUCH A PARDON
AFTER HIS SON TAD BEFRIENDED THE CHRISTMAS TURKEY AND IMPLORED
HIS FATHER, "PLEASE, DAD, PLEASE, SAVE IT."
AND IN THIS GRAND TRADITION, I AM PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE THAT
TODAY'S LUCKY BIRD AND GUEST OF HONOR IS NAMED PEAS, ALONG WITH
HIS ALTERNATE, NAMED CARROTS.
THE CHILDREN WILL UNDERSTAND THAT.
>> Stephen: "YES, BECAUSE CHILDREN ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO
EAT VEGETABLES, RIGHT?
JUST WAIT, KIDS.
ONCE YOU'RE GROWN UP, IT'S FRIED CHICKEN AND BURGERS FOUR MEALS A
DAY.
DON'T FORGET TO GET YOUR FIBER WITH FREQUENT DIET COKES."
TRUMP EXPLAINED HOW FORTUNATE THESE BIRDS WERE.
>> THANKSGIVING IS A TIME OF GREAT AMERICAN TRADITIONS, AND
TODAY WE CONTINUE A VERY SPECIAL ONE WHEN A LUCKY TURKEY GETS A
PRESIDENTIAL PARDON.
THAT TURKEY IS SO LUCKY.
I'VE NEVER SEEN SUCH A BEAUTIFUL TURKEY.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "YES, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL, IF IT
WASN'T MY DINNER, PERHAPS I'D BE DATING IT.
RIGHT OVER THERE.
OH, NO GRIEVE.
SO DELICIOUS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT THESE TURKEYS' REPRIEVE MIGHT BE SHORT-LIVED, BECAUSE
"THE TURKEYS TRUMP SPARED LAST THANKSGIVING ARE ALREADY DEAD."
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SAD, THEY WERE PUT TO REST ACCORDING TO THEIR
WISHES -- IN INDIVIDUALLY LABELED TUPPERWARE.
TRUMP MIGHT WANT TO PARDON SOMEONE ELSE, BECAUSE WE JUST
LEARNED THAT SENIOR ADVISER TO THE PRESIDENT, IVANKA TRUMP,
USED A PERSONAL EMAIL ACCOUNT TO SEND HUNDREDS OF EMAILS ABOUT
GOVERNMENT BUSINESS LAST YEAR.
( BOOING ) THIS IS REALLY DAMAGING...
IF ANYTHING MATTERED ANYMORE.
( LAUGHTER )
STATEMENT SAYING, "MS. TRUMP SOMETIMES USED HER PERSONAL
ACCOUNT, ALMOST ALWAYS FOR LOGISTICS AND SCHEDULING
CONCERNING HER FAMILY."
SEE?
TOTALLY INNOCENT.
UNTIL YOU REMEMBER HER FAMILY IS THE PRESIDENT.
(AS IVANKA, TYPING)
FOR THE SOCCER GAME THIS WEEKEND?
ALSO, DON'T TELL ANYONE MY FATHER GOT CONFUSED AND TRIED TO
FIGHT A MIRROR."
( LAUGHTER )
PARDONED SAUDI ARABIA.
SEE, THE C.I.A. IS PREPARING A REPORT THAT IS EXPECTED TO TIE
THE BRUTAL MURDER OF JOURNALIST JAMAL KHASHOGGI TO SAUDI CROWN
PRINCE MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN, BUT THE PRESIDENT GOT OUT IN FRONT
OF THE C.I.A. TODAY AND RELEASED A STATEMENT ON KHASHOGGI'S
KILLING.
IT STARTS OUT WITH A CALM, REASSURING MESSAGE:
(AS TRUMP)
PLACE!"
IT IS NOW!
APPARENTLY, YOU CAN KILL A "WASHINGTON POST" JOURNALIST AND
THE PRESIDENT DON'T GIVE A DAMN, BECAUSE TRUMP'S OFFICIAL
PRESIDENTIAL DECISION ON WHO IS RESOLUTE... "I DUNNO."
HE WROTE, "OUR INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES CONTINUE TO ASSESS ALL
INFORMATION, BUT IT COULD VERY WELL BE THAT THE CROWN PRINCE
HAD KNOWLEDGE OF THIS TRAGIC EVENT.
MAYBE HE DID, AND MAYBE HE DIDN'T!"
DID DONALD TRUMP JUST KNOWINGLY PROVIDE COVER FOR A MURDEROUS
AUTOCRAT?
MAYBE HE DID, AND MAYBE HE DIDN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MAYBE HE DID.
THAT'S WRITTEN-- SOMEONE WROTE THAT DOWN.
SOMEONE ACTUALLY TYPED THAT-- "MAYBE HE DID.
MAYBE HE DIDN'T."
THAT STATEMENT INFORMS US IN NO WAY.
A MAGIC EIGHT BALL WOULD HAVE TAKEN A FIRMER STANCE.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"LOOK, THINGS ARE NOT KNOWABLE.
WE LIVE IN A QUANTUM STATE OF FLUX, WHERE TIME MATTER COISTS
AS AN INTER-DIMENSIONAL PLASMA IN WHICH ALL POSSIBLE PASTS AND
FUTURES SIMULTANEOUSLY MANIFEST ON THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM.
AND IN THAT INFINITE MULTI-VERSE OF NON-CONGRUENT PARA-DATA, WE
MUST CONSIDER THE POSSIBILITY THAT I DO WEIGH 239 POUNDS.
IN AN INFINITE MULTI-VERSE."
( APPLAUSE )
THE PRINCE WAS INVOLVED IN THIS MURDER.
ONE STATE DEPARTMENT OFFICIAL SAID, "THE IDEA THAT IT GOES ALL
THE WAY TO THE TOP IS BLINDINGLY OBVIOUS."
AND I'M SURPRISED TRUMP CAN'T SEE THAT.
HE IS KNOWN FOR LOOKING AT THINGS THAT ARE BLINDING.
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP'S STATEMENT CALLS THE MURDER A HORRIBLE CRIME, HE
STILL MANAGED TO THROW SOME SLADE ON THE VICTIM SAYING:
"REPRESENTATIVES OF SAUDI ARABIA SAY THAT JAMAL KHASHOGGI IS AN
ENEMY OF THE STATE."
"SOUNDS LIKE A BAD GUY.
I MEAN, NOT JIM ACOSTA BAD, BUT STILL, PRETTY SCARY."
( LAUGHTER )
TRANSPARENT-- NAY, AUDIOTAPED-- HUMAN RIGHTS VIOLATION, THE
PRESIDENT REMINDED US THAT YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON HUMAN LIFE.
BUT HE CAN.
"THE KINGDOM AGREED TO SPEND $450 BILLION IN THE UNITED
STATES.
IF WE FOOLISHLY CANCEL THESE CONTRACTS, RUSSIA AND CHINA WILL
BE THE ENORMOUS BENEFICIARIES."
"IT'S LIKE THE OLD STORY: FIRST THEY CAME FOR THE JOURNALISTS,
AND I SAID NOTHING.
NEXT, THEY CAME WITH A BAG OF MONEY, AND I SAID THANK YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )