Oh my God, this is awesome,
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World
‘Bring your imaginations and above all have fun.’
Of all the reboots currently pissing their collective lack of imagination over cinema screens
the one by which people are least irritated is
‘The Fantastic Four’
Because the 2005 version was so woeful that rebooting it seems like a public service
‘I will not fail, I will not fail’
but that was not the worst version to be made
‘My name is Doom’
Although it may be the worst to be released
‘What’s going on here?’
In 1994 New Horizons owned the rights to the Fantastic Four
but those rights would expire if they did nothing with them and they weren’t ready to make the film
‘I don’t want to blow it’
So they made a film, with no plan to release it, just to hang on to the copyright
‘Here’s to the future my friend’
Waste of money you say? Well New Horizons was run by Roger Corman, who can make any film for 50 bucks
‘I never thought we would pull it off’
Now, much as I like a Dr Doom who does a simultaneous sign language translation for his threats
‘Oh by the way, that laser you saw, it is finished now.'
'allow me to demonstraight it's purpose.'
and a spaceship crew for an important scientific mission chosen purely because we knew them when they were kids
'Will Johnny and Susie go to outer space with us’
This pound shop approach does impact on the 4’s special abilities;
human torch
Invisible girl
'What is wrong with you guys, you look like you saw a ghost.'
Mr Fantastic
But how can you cheap out on Ben Grimm transforming into the Thing?
Also works if you can’t be arsed to stage a fight scene
'What am I suppose to do with these guys.'
Speaking of fight scenes, here’s the big climax
But worse than the cheapness is what happens when you make a movie you don’t care about
‘Ben No! I love you’
Out of context it looks ok but check out their only interaction prior to that
'Careful what are you doing, put me down.'
Seriously! Less than a minute! But the Thing needs a love story, so screw it; that’ll do.
'That's exactly why you pay me the big bucks.'
Dr Doom is created by 2 random weirdos
‘We must save him’
Why? Eh, doesn’t matter.
'Comeon, doesn't that bother anyone a little?'
He captures the heroes in force fields
'Pitiful, you are pitiful'
Which apparently don’t work on feet
He fires a laser from his secret castle base
But when the human torch destroys it.
He’s suddenly in space!
None of this makes sense!
‘That is none of your concern’
Doesn’t matter. This is cinema by box ticking; emotional moments
‘What kind of a thing have I turned into’
Comedy moments
'Flame on.... Arrrrgh!'
crucial realisation
‘Our worst character defects are in fact our greatest strengths’
Bad guys
‘We are here to see the jeweller’
Look I made costumes!
‘And here’s yours, it’s flame retardant’
Yeah that seems like something you could knock up in an hour or so.
‘I can’t take it anymore!’
The team splits
‘Don’t stop me’
and comes together
‘We are the fantastic 4 right?’
All the elements are there
‘Miss anything?’
But just to be there.
‘There’s nothing more to say’
Now you could say that given it’s backstory, reviewing this is pointless and I would struggle to disagree
‘It’s clobbering time’
So I’ll bring it back to an actual point,
increase the budget and this superhero movie by numbers starts to look scarily like Marvel’s current treadmill of identically structured films
‘That’s it, class dismissed’
So there’s a warning from history; display some imagination or this is where you could end up
Is there a less appropriately named character than Mr Fantastic, who seems to have given himself the name to distract from how useless he is.
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