JILL: Okay. I... I - I.. I'm gonna do this. ♪♪
Hey!
CHLOE: Hi babe!
Um. Are you on your way home?
I just parked actually. What's up?
No reason. Just wondering.
You sure?
Yeah!
See you soon.
Okay! Byee.
*watch vibrates*
(whispers) Ugh, fuck off!
*faint footsteps*
(under breath) Chloe, you look-
(under breath) uhh, really good.
*keys jingling*
(under breath) Okay, how do you feel?
Hey! I was just-
CHLOE: Hi, cutie!
This is my best friend that I was telling you all about!
Jill, this is Kyle.
- Sup!
CHLOE: He works at the electronics store at the mall
and is about to personally ensure that movie night happens.
Uh huh.
Are you really sure you don't mind doing this on your day off?
- Well, my customer service is 24/7.
- Let's get you that overtime!
This is Sarah! Another roommate.
KYLE: Sup?
Su....p.
Who the hell is that?
- Kyle, apparently.
She is just baiting me, right? She's...
trying to make me jealous so that I'll say something-
- Is it working?
- Yes.
- Well...
you're way hotter.
♪♪
*phone vibrates*
*chuckles* Oh my god.
*chuckles* What? What's funny?
Nothing, text from Sarah. Inside joke.
Sarah.
*Oliver laughs* *laughs*
OK, dude, pleaseee
I'm begging you, can we talk about the Sarah thing?
Why are you so mad?
I see you together all the time and clearly they make you happy
and I just want you to...
To what?
To make your move before it's too late!
Have you seriously never even thought about-
- Thought about poisoning your next batch of pot brownies?
Every day.
And for the 29th time,
which is a real number by the way,
yes, and I'm keeping track,
there is nothing to think about!
- Grrrr
we both know that's complete crap!
*chuckles*
*chuckles* No, this white boy's mixing technique is complete crap.
Ok, look.
Even the regulars at work are pulling for the two of you guys. They are
always up my ass about why you haven't asked her out yet-
and those are their words, it's not even mine!
They don't get the whole pronoun thing like I do and I am always pulling for you
so you don't have to explain to them -
so you don't have to explain to them- - Oh my gosh! He waited to long to turn on the oven!
- Oh my gosh! He waited to long to turn on the oven!
You know nothing, Jon Snow.
- Are you hearing anything that I am saying?
- Kind of obnoxious, right,
when someone ignores every word that comes out of your mouth?
- I do NOT ignore-
- I do NOT ignore- - How many times do we
have to tell you that Sarah has a girlfriend?
- Who doesn't even live here!
- And that long distance relationships are completely valid?
- I seriously think she is playing you, dude!
- Uhhhhh...
- THEY are playing you, dude.
I am sorry.
- And I am telling you that even if Sarah weren't dating anybody, I don't want to date Sarah.
And Sarah doesn't want to date me.
Okay? Period! That's it!
Alright, fine!
You don't want to talk about it, we can at least-
*knife hits counter loudly*
I have been talking about it.
You're either not listening
or you don't respect me enough to believe me.
I wasn't trying to piss you off.
I just think-
I just think- - I don't want to have this conversation anymore, Matt.
- You're not actually going to poison my pot brownies, right?
- Go.
♪♪
*phone buzzes*
Oh, yeah I gotta take this.
- Sup, brah?
JILL: Sooo?
JILL: Sooo? CHLOE: I know, right?
The only sales person I've ever actually let help me and as it turns out
also a really cool guy.
- Yeah!
He seems great.
Are you alright?
Absolutely. I, uh, just...
wanted to talk,
um...
What's the blu-ray situation?
He said that thing was on it's deathbed. He actually already found us a new one
and he's gonna use his employee discount.
(fake excitement) Mmmm!
- We gotta invite Taylor to movie night!
This is her movie, after all!
You mean like a roommates movie night instead of an "us" movie night?
Come oooon.
Come oooon!
Come ooon!
*chuckles*
Just this once!
Although I doubt Sarah will want to tear themself away from their sewing needle
to watch half-naked men dance around.
- Not even for underrated bi-con, Amber Heard?
Mm!
What if we invite Kyle instead?!
It's the least we could do to thank him for being so awesome!
What do you think?
(fake excitement) Mmhm!
You're my favorite!
Forever and always!
I'm gonna go tell him.
♪♪ slow soft music ♪♪
(whispers) Don't you feel at all guilty for spying on a bible study?
These people are usually the most highkey about gender roles.
I'm just collecting data.
I'll take that as a "no."
Someone has to tell them that the true good news is the Holy Spirit doesn't give a shit what section they shop in
and there should not be sections in the first place.
Also, the girl that just got up is wearing a shirt that
I swear to Lesbian Jesus is from the men's rack that I organized yesterday.
And!
She has a flannel tied around her waste.
Uh, is this about gendered clothing?
Or...
about her potentially being non-heterosexual?
- This is always about gendered clothing!
No, yes, and she's totes into the Lord. And girls.
Okay!
Uhh...
would you be into a chocolate-vanilla swirl milkshake?
Very!
OLIVER: Uh! You missed a spot!
MATT: (annoyed) Mhmm!
Did I hear him mention a swirl?
Hashtag blessed!
You might be here all night. That middle lever is the worst.
He doesn't do that with any other girls, you know.
You wanna try that again?
Right. Sorry.
He doesn't do that with any other customers...
Thank you.
...who have long distance girlfriends...
I seriously - I think it's so funny you guys are still playing the whole "best friends" card.
I've always called total bullshit on that.
OLIVER: You know, one day I'm going to take that machine out back and
put it out of it's misery.
MATT: Aw yeah! Like I said,
middle lever's the worst.
What did he say this time?
- He was just being Matt.
It's okay.
You know...
he is a work in prog-
he is a work in prog- - I know.
I promise.
I gotta go anyway.
Why do I feel like we're not going to play Mario Kart later?
I'm sorry, love. It's just...
intern stuff is insane and Taylor's brand new
and Chloe is just so...
many things.
Tonight's just not a good night.
I love you.
I love you too.
Thank you.
♪♪
♪ blu-ray menu music ♪
♪ horror trailer begins ♪
KYLE: (indistinguishable whispers)
CHLOE: *quiet laugh*
JILL: I'll be right back.
SARAH: What are you-
*shower turns on* Did I miss the part where we were suddenly in a spy movie?
I have no idea what I am doing.
I have no idea what she is doing.
And I have no idea what I am doing!
- You mentioned that.
- And I have no idea what to do!
- Uh huh.
- She is the most ambiguous piece of -
Zzaaa!
One second it's like,
(impersonating Chloe) "Jill, you're my soulmate and I'll never leave you!"
and then it's like,
(impersonating Chloe) "Hey Jill, look at this conventionally attractive lifesize can of Axe Body Spray
(impersonating Chloe) that I just got from Radio Shack!"
Radio Shack or Best Buy?
Whatever!
I am the best bi!
Yes! Yes, you are.
And for the record, there is a clinical term for exactly what you're describing.
Overcompensation. Noun.
- Huh?
When someone realizes that they like the same gender or...
their best friend slash roommate, for example,
and wants to make sure that the whole world knows that they're the most
Straighty-McStraight-Straight to ever graduate from Hetero University.
I think she's feeling some extra shit and she doesn't know how to process
and so she's hiding from it in a vaguely...
pretty dude-bro's pants.
Do me a solid and either turn off that water or
pull Chloe in there with you.
But - No!
I have reached my quota for the day, you and your
perfectly grown up brain gotta take over.
But I - Do you
want to work on MY portfolio
and I'LL talk to your not-girlfriend for you?
TAYLOR: I need to pee.
Taylor! It is your turn.
Great, awesome, you're the best. Bye.
I need to pee.
Shit!
Nope, just pee.
You weren't supposed to leave them alone!
Why are you in here?
- Why are you here?
- It was an emergency!
Uh, kinda like when you need to pee and can't?
Ugh!
CHLOE: (indistinguishable whispers) KYLE: *soft laugh*
I miss sitting on your left side.
- Aww.
- You cool with that?
Whatever.
♪♪
♪ One, two, three, four! ♪
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And you're beautiful.
Bye!!!