( APPLAUSE )
EVERYBODY!
GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.
♪ ♪ ♪
WHO WE GOT TONIGHT?
WHO AM I TALKING TO TONIGHT?
I'M-- JON, JON, YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING TO TONIGHT?
THE SOON-TO-BE HONORABLE ERIC ADAMS.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: THE MAYOR-ELECT OF NEW YORK CITY.
GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD.
>> Jon: YES, INDEED.
>> Stephen: AND DWAYNE WADE IS HERE TONIGHT.
N.B.A. CHAMPION.
THREE TIME N.B.A. CHAMP.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I DID ONCE?
YOU SAW HOW I SMOKED OBAMA IN THE BASKETBALL-- I WANT TO
CHALLENGE HIM.
I WANT TO CHALLENGE DWAYNE WADE TO IT NOW?
PLACE YOUR BETS.
>> Jon: PUTTING THE CHAMPIONSHIP ON THE LINE.
>> Stephen: I JUST WANT TO SAY, I BEAT OBAMA, I BEAT-- I
BEAT STEF CURRY-- OR TIED STEF CURRY.
I BEAT DR. J.
AND I BEAT ALLEN IVERSON.
>> Jon: YOU'RE GOING TO PUT YOUR TITLE ON THE LINE.
>> Stephen: EVERY NIGHT I PUT THE TITLE ON THE LINE, MY
FRIEND.
>> Jon: LET'S GO.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S NEW?
I WANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT THE ASIAN
AMERICAN MUPPET JOINING THE CAST OF SESAME STREET."
I FOUND OUT SOMEBODY ELSE IS JOINING THE CAST OF "SESAME
STREET."
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON "SESAME STREET," JON.
>> Jon: I'M GOING OVER TO "SESAME STREET" AND SINGING SOME
SONGS ♪ CAN YOU TELL ME HOW TO GET ♪
>> Stephen: THAT'S A MILESTONE.
>> Jon: I KNOW.
I'M REALLY SO GRATEFUL.
I WATCHED IT SINCE I WAS A KID AND ALWAYS DREAMED OF BEING
THERE.
YOU GO THERE AND IT'S SO MUCH LIKE WHAT YOU REMEMBERED IN
PERSON.
IT'S JUST SO EMOTIONAL TO BE THERE.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'VE BEEN THERE.
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE BEEN THERE.
AT THIS POINT, YOU CAN TELL ME TO YOU HOGET...
>> Jon: YES.
>> Stephen: HOW TO GET TO "SESAME STREET."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Jon: WE CAN'T PLAY THE REST
OF IT.
>> Stephen: NO, WE CAN'T, BECAUSE THEY HAVE-- THEY HAVE
MUPPET LAWYERS, TOO.
>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT YOU KNOW THE REST.
>> Stephen: THEY DON'T MESS AROUND.
FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, CAREFULLY
SELECTING THE DAY'S NEWSIEST, MOST AERODYNAMIC HEADLINES,
STRESS TESTING THE MOST TOPICAL ANTILOCK BREAKS AND POWER
STEERING, PAINSTAKINGLY STITCHING LEATHER SEATING SO
SOFT, IT WOULD MAKE J.D. POWER AND HER ASSOCIATES BLUSH, TO
CREATE THE LUXURY SEDAN THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS, I LURCH TO CONSCIOUSNESS
IN THE BACK OF AN ABANDONED SCHOOL BUS AND SLAP MYSELF AWAKE
WITH A CRUSTY FLOOR MAT BEFORE USING A MOUSE-BITTEN TIMING BELT
TO STRAP SOME OLD PLYWOOD TO A COUPLE OF DISCARDED OIL DRUMS.
THEN, BY THE LIGHT OF A HEATHEN MOON, RENDER A GAS TANK OUT OF
AN EMPTY BIG GULP, FILL IT WITH WHITE CLAW AND DENATURED
ALCOHOL, THEN LIGHT A MATCH AND LET 'ER RIP, IN THE DEMENTED
ONE-MAN SOAP BOX DERBY OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
>> MEANWHILE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS WILL SOOTHE YOU.
THIS WILL FIX EVERYTHING.
MEANWHILE, IN THE U.K., POLICE FOUND 900 POUNDS OF COCAINE IN A
SHIPMENT OF ONION RINGS.
SO ARE YOU TELLING ME THEY TOOK A HIGHLY ADDICTIVE SUBSTANCE AND
USED IT TO SMUGGLE COCAINE?
( LAUGHTER )
NUMBER OF CHURCHES ACROSS AMERICA ARE ACCEPTING ONLINE
DONATIONS IN CRYPTOCURRENCIES."
WOW.
THEY ARE REALLY DESPERATE TO APPEAL TO THE YOUTH.
( AS YOUTH PASTOR )
THE COOLEST CRYPTOCURRENCY OF ALL?
IT'S CALLED SALVATION, AND YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO GET IN ON
THE GROUND FLOOR, DOG."
MEANWHILE, WITH A ONCE-IN-A-CENTURY GLOBAL
PANDEMIC AND FAILED CLIMATE TALKS IN THE NEWS, IT'S EASY TO
FEEL LIKE IT'S THE END TIMES.
SO I JUST WANT TO TAKE A SECOND TO REASSURE EVERYONE THAT "A
PLAGUE OF SCORPIONS HAS RAINED ON EGYPT."
SOUNDS AWFUL-- ALSO, PRETTY EXCITING DAY FOR THE GUY WHO
DOES WEATHER ON THE 1'S.
( LAUGHTER )
GLOBAL ARMS MANUFACTURING AND ILLEGAL CHEMICAL DISPOSAL
SOMETIMES COME ACROSS SO MANY PEE-RELATED STORIES, THAT THEY
TRICKLE INTO OUR MEANWHILE SUB-SEGMENT:
"UREEN-WHILE."
UREEN-WHILE, THE "WELCOME TO ROCKVILLE" MUSIC FESTIVAL WAS IN
DAYTONA BEACH LAST WEEKEND, AND DRING A SET FROM A BAND CALLED
"BRASS AGAINST," SINGER SOPHIA URISTA PULLED DOWN HER PANTS
AND PEED ON A FAN.
IN OTHER WORDS, THE LEAST-GROSS STORY TO COME OUT OF DAYTONA
BEACH.
UREEN-WHILE, IN A NEW INTERVIEW, DWAYNE "THE ROCK" JOHNSON
REVEALED WHY HE PEES IN WATER BOTTLES DURING WORKOUTS.
IT'S ALL IN PREPARATION FOR HIS UPCOMING ROLE IN "JUMANJI 3:
AMAZON EMPLOYEE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE THEY DON'T-- THEY DON'T GET BATHROOM BREAKS.
ALSO, DWAYNE, IF YOU'RE PEEING IN BOTTLES, I DON'T THINK ANYONE
IN THE GYM IS FOCUSED ON THE "WHY," SO MUCH AS THE "WHAT THE
HELL?" BUT HE INSISTED ON EXPLAINING,
"I DO PEE IN MY WATER BOTTLES, BUT LET ME GIVE CONTEXT TO THAT.
NO.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
C.E.O., DON MEIJ, BOUGHT A $20.9 MILLION "SMART" BEL AIR MANSION,
WITH EIGHT BEDROOMS AND 15 BATHROOMS.
NOW, THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN EXTREME BATHROOM-TO-BEDROOM RATIO, BUT
YOU EVENTUALLY NEED ALL OF THEM IF YOU EAT ENOUGH DOMINO'S.
"FORGET THE PLUNGER!
THIS BATHROOM'S TOTALED!
JUST BRICK OVER THE DOOR AND NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN."
( APPLAUSE )
LAS VEGAS CHARTERS JETS TO NOWHERE FOR HORNY MILE-HIGH
CLUBBERS.
AND YOU FELT BAD FOR SOUTHWEST FLIGHT ATTENDANTS.
( LAUGHTER )
AREN'T THE ONLY THING IN THE UPRIGHT POSITION.
THE COMPANY IS CALLED "LOVE CLOUD VEGAS," AND FOR JUST $995,
COUPLES CAN CHARTER A JET FOR 45 MINUTES.
THAT'S RIGHT, FOR $1,000, YOU CAN EXPERIENCE SEX ON A PRIVATE
JET, THEN AWKWARDLY STARE OUT THE WINDOW FOR THE NEXT 43 AND A
HALF MINUTES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NEW YORK CITY MAYOR-ELECT ERIC
ADAMS.
♪ ♪ ♪