- Anyone with a blue suitcase?
You may now board.
- Finally.
- No, not you sir.
- Not me?
This is a blue suitcase.
- That's a blue computer bag.
- So you're not, you're not gonna let me on then?
(slurping)
Damn it!
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.
Goddammit!
- Anyone who doesn't seem cranky.
(upbeat vocalizing)
(phone ringing)
- Hello, this is Gavin.
- [Colin] Hi Gavin.
My name is Colin Valenti.
I'm calling from Master Travel Incorporated.
To tell you about an exciting, limited time offer,
exclusive Las Vegas getaway.
Can I have a few moments of your time
to tell you about this new package?
- You know what? I would love to.
But I just don't have the time.
(phone clicks)
Hello?
(phone beeping)
Hello?
Hm.
(phone dialing)
(phone ringing)
- This is Colin Valenti, Master Traveling Incorporated.
How may I be of service?
- Uh, hi Colin Valenti.
My name is Gavin. I think we just talked.
Did, did we get disconnected?
- Yeah. No, I mean, yeah, I hung up on you.
(sinister music)
- Why, uh, why would you do that?
I mean, are you even, are you even allowed to do that?
- Were you going to buy the Las Vegas package?
- Well, I mean, probably not, but that's not the point.
The point is...
(keyboard clicks)
(phone beeping)
What the hell?
(phone ringing)
- [Colin] This is Colin.
- Yeah, Valenti. Listen, I don't know what crawled
up your ass and set up shop there.
But you don't get to hang up.
(gasps)
- What? Oh my God.
(phone dialing)
(phone ringing)
- What the (beep) do you want?
- What is your deal? Huh?
- Um, you don't want the Vegas package.
So, I don't wanna talk.
I do this as a favor. You're wasting our time.
- Stop. Stop.
Don't you dare hang up that (beep) phone, okay?
- Why shouldn't I?
- Why should? What if I wanted the Vegas package?
You know what?
I want the Vegas package.
- Sure you do.
(phone beeping)
- What!
You mother (beep).
Oh, my God.
You son of a bitch.
(phone ringing)
- [Colin] Come on man, let it go.
- (Beep) you man, (beep) you.
I want five (beep) packages right now.
You know what, you know what?
My wallet, this is my credit card number right here, okay?
This (beep) phone.
My credit card number is 0 0 7 4 5 4 0 3 0 0 9 8.
The expiration date is 12/20.
And then, and then the
Oh yeah, the security number is 084.
So run the damn card, right now.
Right the (beep) now.
You run it right the (beep) now, asshole.
(ominous music)
(computer beeps)
- Thank you for your business.
- Well, I hope you learned your le-
(click)
(gasp)
- Ah!
- These new call scripts are really great.
- Yeah, I know right?
(phone ringing)
- What the (beep) do you want, Kathy?
(phone ringing)
- Hello, Sky Mall magazine.
This is Riyaz speaking.
- Hello Riyaz.
I would like to report an item which I ordered
that arrived broken.
- Wendell Sandals, Mockingbird Lane?
- That's right.
- I am showing the last item that you've received is
the Superman bed with the Mattress of Solitude.
- That's the one.
Ordered it for my son for his birthday.
But I cannot give it to him like this.
And I'm pretty darn tootin' pissed about it.
- I'm really sorry sir.
I will start processing your reorder
right now with you on the line, okay?
- I ain't mad at you Riyaz.
It's just the system, I know.
- Okay. Thank you for understanding sir.
Kids, eh?
- Huh?
Oh kid well, yeah, I just got the one myself.
Had sex with a woman and everything to get 'em.
How long is this going.
- What is your son's name?
- Oh.
Um.
Stimpy.
Pretty much Stimpy.
- I have boys too.
I'll tell you,
sometimes they can be a real couple of, you know whats.
- (beep) ass (beep). You're preaching to the choir, Riyaz.
Stimpy, don't you give me that look.
You're going to get it when your mama comes home.
- Oh, man. Sounds like your wife is...
- A bitch on wheels.
You got that straight, Riyaz.
Hot little biscuit though. Name's Claire.
Body ten, face ten.
So, pretty much hit that every night.
Sexually.
Anyway, what's holding up the...
- Oh, one more minute.
And how old is your son?
- Fifteen.
- Fifteen? And he still wants a Superman bed?
Ah, a late bloomer.
Enjoy it while you still can.
He'll grow out of the toys any day now.
They all do.
And the second he starts hooking up with the girls
he'll forget all about that Superman and Spider-Man stuff.
- Pretty much seems like how it would happen.
Maybe then he'll stop bothering me
with all those stupid little facts,
about how those characters you just named,
are clearly from two distinct and separate universes.
- Sadly, some people never move on.
- Sad?
I got a better word for you.
Pathetic.
- [Riyaz] I, I wouldn't say pathetic.
- Ay, I calls them likes I sees them, Riyaz.
And I don't tolerate nerds.
In fact, let me nip this in the bud real quick.
Stimpy!
Stimpy get back in here.
- I didn't mean to.
- There you are.
With your brown body and your creepy ass face.
No more sweets for you.
'Cause you're never gonna get laid
if you keeps eatin' sweets.
And another thing,
(melancholy music)
all these figurines and toys you got around the house,
we're throwing them in the trash
'cause they're not real people, Stimpy.
They're not real people.
So, stop being so lonely.
Stop being so lonely.
- Well, and this is none of my business of course,
but I was wondering if your son
would like to talk to someone.
(window breaks)
- Oh, (beep) Stimpy just jumped out the window.
- Oh my God.
- Ah, he killed himself. Why'd he do it?
It must have been my fault.
No it wasn't. Yes it was.
I'm gonna call the cops.
Don't you dare cancel that reorder.
It's the only thing I'll have to remember him by.
(phone clicks)
Uh, ugh.
- Good morning ladies and gentlemen.
We are about to begin boarding.
South Northern Airlines, Flight 34 to Grand Rapids.
- Okay. Excuse me. Boarding group one.
I'm in boarding group one, excuse me.
I'm in boarding group one.
- And we would like to begin pre-boarding
with our first class passengers.
First class passengers only, please.
Next, our business class passengers may now board.
Okay, now we would like to welcome
our Regal Alliance Elite members.
Regal Alliance Elite members.
(scanner beeping)
Okay, now all passengers with children.
- Okay.
- Anyone with small children, you may board now.
(baby crying)
Okay, we would like to continue boarding
with uniformed military personnel.
- What? Why could? This is...
Thank you for your service.
Thank you so much for your service.
God bless you.
- Thank you for your service.
Thank you for your service.
Alright, people in wheelchairs.
Any priests, nuns, rabbis, imams.
- What? Why do they get special treatment?
- Al-salaamu 'alaykum.
- I've never.
That's typical.
- Any old people in wheelchairs with babies.
(baby crying)
Any old religious people with military babies.
- What's a military...
- Thank you for your service.
Jason Schwartzman.
Anyone with a blue suitcase?
You may now board.
- Finally.
- No, not you, sir.
- Not me?
This is a blue suitcase.
- That's a blue computer bag.
- So you're not, you're not gonna let me on then?
(slurping)
- Damn it!
Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it.
Goddammit!
- Anyone who doesn't seem cranky.
Drunk people.
We will now be boarding any drunk people.
Drunk people?
- Nope. It's my bag. Sir.
Just. Ugh.
(phone ringing)
- Ooh. Hello?
Oh, hey Christian.
Yeah.
Totally.
Well, you have your favorites and I have my favorites.
(chuckles) Okay.
Call you later.
Ciao ciao.
- Boarding group one.
(heroic music)
- [First Responder] Has anybody seen Jason Schwartzman?
- [First Responder] Jason Schwartzman!
- [Fireman] Pick up your hand.
We got to find you, Jason.
- [First Responder] Jason Schwartzman!
- [First Responder] I got him! I got Schwartzman here.
- [First Responder] Hey, everyone!
Jason Schwartzman's fine.
(cheering)
- [First Responder] We got Jason Schwartzman.
Let's wrap it up, people.
- Boarding group one over here.
Get a boarding group one.
Ah.
(quirky music)