(woman) Dave and I were taking the girls away camping for the weekend.
All the camping equipment's kept in the loft.
After lunch we jokingly said,
"We'd better start getting the stuff out because we're going in five hours."
Bereavement is a very, very complex issue
because everybody will have their own unique journey
and I think it's really important to know that there's no right or wrong way.
(Penny) The last thing he said to me was, "Can you get another light bulb?"
I went off, got the light bulb, handed it up to him.
I turned my back for about two or three seconds,
heard a scream and yes, that was...
..the bit I can't talk about.
With a very, very sudden death,
from experience I feel that that sense of complete disbelief
and being in a dream
is probably very, very acute.
Then the ambulance crew,
I can't remember how many, two or three of them...
..came in and I was asked to go downstairs.
But I immediately knew that he was dead.
People talk a lot about the stages of bereavement
and I think perhaps the first thing
will be often this sense of complete disbelief,
that this just hasn't happened at all.
It was like a fog had come across...
..and I just couldn't cry, couldn't get angry.
I just wanted to protect the children.
Then comes the time where the reality hits
and for some people that's often after the funeral.
For about two or three years afterwards, with the post-traumatic stress,
I could have sat there and told it without a tear in my eye,
as if I was reading it off a newspaper report.
I think this is the first time I've actually told it crying,
so I suppose it's progress from my viewpoint.
People can find themselves with sometimes overwhelming feelings,
crying, a lot of physical sensations sometimes, feeling very ill.
It's like waves on a beach, it comes and goes.
Everybody's experience is different.
Then you move on eventually to an acceptance
that that person has gone
and that life has changed forever,
and then people talk about perhaps a final stage
where you do move on.
(Penny) I went to the school and said, "I just can't do this any more."
They said, "There's no way you've been a bad mother."
"You're down here because you do care."
"You're looking for help."
And they were very good because they actually got me the help that I needed.
I think what can be really helpful but difficult to do
is to try and talk to somebody.
(Penny) I had a very nice lady who put us into family therapy.
We could all sit there in a room that was neutral...
..and I could put my viewpoint, the children could put their viewpoint
and she was able to look from the outside in.
The stages are useful things to hang feelings on
but people will not go through them in any set order.
Sometimes people will never experience any of them.
(Penny) She said, "It's difficult, your circumstance,
but you need to take back control."
I got a lot of help from there.
If somebody has been ill for a long time,
perhaps with a life-threatening illness,
and there's been time for a lot of talking and some pre-bereavement work,
I think then that certainly the immediate post-bereavement period
would be different to a sudden, very, very traumatic death.
Although there's no set time for these very sad feelings to persist,
if the person themselves or one of their friends or family thinks,
"This is going on too long," perhaps they're not looking after themselves,
then that's the time to go and get some advice from the GP.
They are usually very approachable and very supportive.