All right in this video we're going to be talking about three things your ex craves that will
actually draw them closer to you. But first, my name is Clay with modernlove.life where we help
you get the great loving relationship that you're looking for without having to play mind games,
without having to play hard to get, and without having to pretend to be someone or something
that you are not. Because you of course deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing, and wonderful
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Also in this video, we are talking about our relatively new course called Effortless
Connection. You can go ahead and check it out down below in the description box. If it seems like
it's a good fit for you then feel free to sign up. If it's not right for you that's totally okay but
it's right down there. We haven't talked about it too much on these videos but
hey go ahead and check it out if you want to. All right. So what we're talking about here is how
you can actually get closer emotionally to your ex. What is it they actually want? What
is it they actually crave from you? I mean aside from the obvious things, get your mind out of the
gutter you. So, the first thing that they want is that they want some transparency. They just want
to be able to know that there's no hidden agenda here, how you are going to show up is how it is.
What they see is what they get. They don't want to sit back and think like, "Okay, you have some sort
of hidden agenda. What is it you're really gunning for here? You're just saying that because you want
to get back together with me. You're just trying to see if I'm into you or something like that."
They don't like this circuitous roundabout stuff. Most people don't like that.
Most people like people that are just transparent, that just say what they want to say,
that just tell it to them straight and this goes for most people everywhere. I mean, I talk to a
global audience because anyone really can watch YouTube videos unless it's banned in your country
or something but we have a global audience and people are sometimes like, "Well, I don't know
if this would work in Singapore because we deal with things more indirectly or something." But
we've worked with lots of people from Singapore and lots of other countries around the world and
lots of other cultures around the world. And the more direct and honest and transparent you can be
the better off your relationship is going to be. Yes I understand that there are going to be some
cultural differences but when it comes to someone we actually want to have a good high quality,
romantic relationship with it's going to be someone who we can just tell it to us
straight and in a forthright kind of way. And that's really the first thing that you want
to start doing is you want to be able to get rid of any hidden agenda, get rid of any, as
they sometimes call it covert contracts. That's what Dr. Robert Glover called it in his book
No More Mr. Nice Guy and I think that's a very important thing that can apply to both men
and women. It's a book for men but it applies to women as well too.
So you want to definitely have this transparency, you want to have this
vulnerability, but you want to express vulnerability in a positive way not just like,
"Hey, I want to get you back and I'd do anything to get you back and I'd beg and plead and give
up whatever for a million years in order to get back together with you." That might be how you
feel but just understand that that is coming from a place of what we'd call bad vulnerability where
you're basically saying like, "This is how I feel and you're responsible for it." That's not going
to inspire someone to want to get back together with you or to want to work things out with you.
What is if you can simply just state how you feel and what it is that you're wanting and
all that but own it where it's something that you're dealing with, it's something that you're
going through. It's not something that you're foisting on to someone else.
The second thing that your ex really craves from you and wants in order to be able to feel
close to you is they want to feel as though their thoughts and their feelings are valid. Now, your
ex has all sorts of reasons for wanting to break up with you and having issues and all that stuff.
And one common pitfall that a lot of people have is they'll try to prove their ex wrong,
they'll try and rationalize away whatever reason they had for breaking up with you
or something like that. This is really common for guys by the way.
That's not what your ex wants to hear. Your ex wants to hear, "Yes
how you feel is valid and what you're wanting totally makes sense if you saw the world the way
that you see it and at the same time where I'm at is this." You don't have to say, "Oh, I'm wrong,
you're totally right I was a jerk," or anything like that. This isn't about collapsing but you
can simply express that, "Yeah I totally get it. If I thought the thoughts that you thought and
if I experienced things the way you experienced it out I would totally feel the same way too."
And that's a much more empathetic and much more connection positive kind of stance to have.
We have to remember we're not trying to get to the truth of the matter, we're not trying to get to
the factual thing of who said what and who did what and all that stuff. What we're simply trying
to do is we're just trying to get to a place of emotional bonding and connection. We can hash out
who did what and all that stuff later but if we can get to this point where we can
first connect emotionally then so much more positive stuff is going to come from there.
So get that place first, start with listening, start with understanding, start with all of that
stuff. Oftentimes I mean it's super cliche but it is true they say people listen to
think about what they want to say next. They listen waiting for that opening for what they're
going to say next. But that's not what you want to do, you want to listen to understand. You
want to listen to understand where your ex or where someone else is coming from so that you
can actually truly let it impact you, take it in, and then you can carry on the conversation
from there. But it's not just a matter of waiting for your opening so you can get in your agenda.
And the third thing that your ex really wants, what they really crave for them to get close
to you is to of course actually have a good time interacting with you. It's not just enough to say,
"Okay great, I can be vulnerable. We're not walking back into the same relationship we
walked out of and all that stuff." But if they can't have a positive experience of you,
a good time interacting with you, something that draws the two of you closer together,
then why are they going to even want to get back together with you again? I mean seriously. And
just so you know, you have an entire playlist on advanced relational skills which is the
foundation of positive interactions. You might want to check that out right up there. And
that can be a really helpful tool as well too. But you actually have to show your ex that there's
something positive in it for them if they were to get closer together with you, get emotionally
warmer with you, build up that emotional foundation and all of that. So, you have to
really show them that there's some positive future together for the two of you and obviously this is
what I'd recommend that you do. So this is what they want. This is what they want for that close
connection, they want transparency, no ulterior motives, no hidden agenda. They want to know that
their thoughts and feelings are valid. They want to know that you're listening
to understand, you're not just listening to get in the next thing that you want to say,
or to get your point across, or to prove them wrong or something like that. And they actually
obviously want to have a positive experience with you. Many times that positive experience can be
suppressed or not had because there's too much ulterior motive, there's too much
bad vulnerability where you're making them responsible for your emotions or
anything like that or maybe you're not truly listening to them, maybe you're listening to
speak next, you're listening to get your agenda across. Or maybe you're one of those people
that just goes on and on and on and they don't have the space to actually get a word in
edgewise and so they're just listening to this monologue of yours or something like that.
And so you want to try to incorporate these things into your interactions with your ex,
into your relationship to really improve it. And if that is something that you want some help with,
if that is something that you'd like to do a little bit more guidance with we of course do
have that course called Effortless Connection. You can check it out right down below.
But once again, I hope you found this video helpful. If you did like this video please
help me out with this YouTube channel by hitting that thumbs up button and by subscribing as well
down below. It does help us out. It does help give us a little rise in the algorithm. So,
if you could just take a moment of your time and hit that that'd be really helpful.
I'd truly appreciate it. And if you want to learn more about how to connect with your ex
through those advanced relational skills you might want to check out this video series
right over here or you might want to check out this video over here. But once again,
my name is Clay. Please take care and I'll talk to you next time.