- Here's some news, President Trump wants more credit
for his great job with Puerto Rico
but also warns them that he can't help forever
because they've got financial problems,
so he's going to give them a $5 billion loan
because the definition of relief is crippling debt.
But he also doesn't want us to talk about it
because he thinks everyone's unfair and the media
should be nicer and is partisan even though after saying
that he immediately went on his friend Sean Hannity's
show where it was announced they would not
include bipartisan questions.
So, I guess, we just, won't talk about him today.
Let's be fair and balanced and instead talk about the left,
and liberal Hollywood and the entertainment industry
and a rich man using his power and influence
to take advantage of, harass, assault, and abuse women.
I get it, I know what you're trying to do but like.
I get it, alright but let's move on
we're definitely not going to talk about him again
in the context of this topic, I promise.
So here's some news, media mogul Harvey Weinstein
has been accused of a lot of just disgusting abuses
of power and taking advantage of young women
and jerking off into plants and just, lots of stuff.
Don't want to describe it all.
Pretty gross and upsetting.
So instead here's a quick round of Petty Joke Junction.
Harvey Weinstein, you look like a discontinued
McDonaldLand character.
Harvey Weinstein, you look like a teamster questioned
in Jimmy Hoffa's disappearance.
Harvey Weinstein, you look like a suspect
in a true crime Netflix documentary, staring Steve Bannon.
If I tried to write a movie about a sweaty fat
movie producer who lured young women into his hotel
and sexually assaulted them, producers would say
it's too on-the-nose, but if I wrote that same movie
and was a woman Harvey Weinstein would rape me.
Harvey Weinstein looks like a police sketch
of the richest duck in the world.
Harvey Weinstein perpetually looks like his own face
just found out what he's done.
And he's just one of many, and even though
Tucker Carlson tweeted Hollywood is corrupt.
The powerful prey upon the weak and nobody
is held accountable #Tucker @FoxNews
this isn't just a Hollywood problem as evidenced by
@FoxNews.
It's not a left or a right problem, it's everywhere,
it's a men problem and a power problem.
And whenever sexual assault comes up
there are a lot of questions,
why didn't these women come forward earlier,
are some of them lying, why did they let this happen
in the first place, why don't women speak out more,
which brings us to our new brief
and hopefully one-time segment,
Shut The Fuck Up, Develop Empathy,
Read A Book, and Listen To A Woman.
There are, so many reasons.
It's hard to come forward, especially in an industry
that can punish and shame you for speaking out,
there's guilt, self worth, it's traumatic to relive it,
you question whether it was your fault,
you question your value, you don't know what to do,
it's scary to accuse powerful men of things,
you don't think people will believe you,
you don't want to be attacked for speaking out.
You know if you do, ghouls might publish
something like this.
Those aren't even all the reasons
and it's so frustrating that at this point
we even need discuss that part, or point to the fact that,
yes, even Terry Crews can be sexually harassed
and not know what to do or say about it.
A lot of guys might think, but why did she even let
it happen, Fight or Flight, you know?
Well Fight or Flight are actually only 2/5
of the reactions people have when they're afraid
and going through trauma.
The others are friend, which we learned first,
as babies, freeze, and flop.
They're all natural reactions to these situations
and if you don't understand why someone might not
do the one you would do,
go do the name of this segment.
Also scientists have found that men tend to react
with Fight or Flight and women with Friend or Freeze,
so the next time you're like finally she's into this
after pressuring her into it, (beep), cool it, man.
Cool it.
So we can talk about all the brave women
who've come forward and shame those who haven't.
But they've done their part, and shouldn't have had to.
And the industry's done its part to silence them,
despite Weinstein's behavior being
an open secret for decades.
- [Man] Congratulations, you five ladies
no longer have to pretend to be attracted
to Harvey Weinstein.
(laughing)
- Through HR departments.
through but he's a nice guying them,
through NBC trying to kill the story,
through court settlements.
It happened at Fox, it happened with the president,
ooh, the president, alright.
That's right the president's ex-wife Ivana claimed
that after a botched hair surgery, Trump came home furious,
ripped some of her hair out of her scalp,
and violently forced himself on her.
Now many of you men might be saying,
but Newsperson, she took it back later.
But actually, what she took back was the word rape.
She said she wouldn't describe it
as rape in the criminal sense.
She's never taken back the account of what happened.
That's our president.
But hey join the club I guess, of men who have not paid
for their actions.
But Weinstein, at least, has been removed
from his company and is traveling out of the country
for rehab for his sex addiction,
which is a fun way to say fleeing the country for rape.
But how did he really get away with this for so long?
Did nobody know?
Hard to believe considering the phrase open secret
is used so much in relation to it.
Hard to believe that nobody knew.
But that's what you'd have to think,
seeing as how every single statement from A-list actors
is about how appalled they are to hear these stories,
which they didn't know about.
Ben Affleck for example said as much, although,
then Rose McGowan, one of Harvey's victims
who was silenced by a settlement and has since
been silenced by Twitter for speaking out,
pointed out to Ben that at her press conference
about Weinstein's harassment, Ben told her goddammit.
I told him to stop doing that.
So apparently he knew, told him to stop,
found out he hadn't, kept knowing, time passed,
and then lied about never knowing.
And there's no way he wasn't the only one.
So, special offer, to the first A-List actor
who says I knew because we all knew, and we did nothing,
gets a single Oreo.
It's mini, it's only mini.
Congratulations, and good luck to you all.
And the first A-List actor to say I do it too,
and so does my brother, gets to stop being Batman,
because Ben Affleck is the subject of many accusations
of using his position of power to grope young women,
as is his brother Casey.
Because--
- [Man] When you're star, they let you do it.
You can do anything, grab them by the (beep).
- Though to be fair, the Batman apologized
for one of his accusations, though to be really fair
and to quote Rose McGowan, Ben Affleck (beep) off.
Which brings us to, fun, Petty Joke Junction again.
Ben Affleck, you look like a Halloween mask of Luke Perry.
Ben since I had daughters I learned to see women as people
Affleck looks like a substitute teacher
who eats lunch in the cafeteria with all the students.
Ben Affleck whose last big thing was how sad
he looked about Batman sucking is what happens when a neck
becomes a whole person.
Not only is Ben Affleck bad at blackjack,
but also the kind of guy who cares
that he's bad at blackjack.
Ben Affleck you look like a Ken Doll (beep) a Lego.
And if Ben Affleck and Matt Damon and all these actors
knew about it but did nothing,
and won't even admit that, (beep) 'em.
They're rich, they'll be fine.
There are so many more talented people available
to be movie stars who don't do this shit.
And maybe power and money will change those people,
as money and power so often and easily do,
but holy hell, get your house in order, dudes.
You win an Acty Award and then you give a long,
impassioned speech about how Trump sucks,
but, like, we know, Trump sucks.
And Hollywood Liberals going off on him on the night
where they celebrate each other is not necessary.
You know what you could do,
that would be powerful and important.
Win an award, and then in front of all your colleagues,
protest the disgusting open secrets in your industry.
Use your platform in a way that would actually be effective.
Stop doing PSAs and interviews where you talk
about needing gun control, and instead,
stop making movies where you look like a badass with a gun.
You influence the culture with your art,
so, like, do that.
Talk about the disgusting powerful people
taking advantage of young women.
Win an award, and then talk about the child abuse
that Corey Feldman's talked about for years,
that Judy Garland talked about for decades,
the child abuse about which there's a whole
documentary literally called an open secret.
Because everybody knows, and we know you know,
so say it, and fix it, because Weinstein's
not the last one to be exposed,
which is to say he's not the last one to be known
about for decades until the official acceptable
amount of dozens of women are finally believed.
Be honest, liars.
As sad as it is to say, one of the most honest men
who've spoken about Weinstein, is, again, sorry,
the president, who said,
"I've known Harvey for a long time.
"I'm not at all surprised to see it."
Hm.
I wonder why a rich, powerful man with a history
of sexual harassment charges wouldn't be surprised
about his friend Harvey's behavior.
Probably wasn't surprised by Bill O'Reilley either.
Or Roger Ailes.
Probably won't be surprised about Sean Hannity.
Though to be fair, let's allow Sean to defend himself,
by showing how he talks to women, in public.
- There's a really hot lookin' chick in the third row.
But, how you doin' man.
I'll take you back stage to meet Hank
a little later if you want?
You want to meet me later?
- And I'm sure that public display is in no way indicative
of his behavior in private.
Which brings us to (beep) yes Petty Joke Junction again.
Sean Hannity, you look like a muppet guidance counselors
use to teach children about divorce.
Sean Hannity, you look like a little league coach
who starts his son as pitcher every game.
Sean Hannity looks like one of those guys
who has never eaten (beep) and is somehow
bizarrely proud of that fact.
Fun fact, Sean Hannity goes to Supercuts
and asks for The Frankenberry's ghost.
Sean Hannity still has to physically plug his nose
whenever he jumps in a pool.
Sean Hannity has never had a consensual conversation.
Sean Hannity has a pair of rollerblades
that he has never opened.
Sean Hannity you look a cardboard cutout
of Ben Affleck got Dorian Grayed.
Anyway, back to the good president
and his apparent knowledge of at least
Harvey Weinstein's behavior. Mr. President,
in the interest of draining the swamp,
it would be great if you could call out other people
about this kind of thing.
Because men need to call each other out for this,
and support and believe women.
You've been accused of this.
Louis CK has been accused a lot of jerking off
in front of young female comics and locking the door
so they can't leave.
It's, yes, an open secret.
Michael Bay makes underage girls audition in bikinis,
Bryan Singer's been accused by underage boys,
there are lots of them.
Jeff Epstein is a rich, powerful man
who is also a pedophile, and who notoriously flew rich
men on the Lolita Express.
One passenger on the flight logs is Bill Clinton, rapist.
Donald Trump is friends with Epstein too,
saying of the pedophile, quote,
I've known Jeff for 15 years.
Terrific guy.
He's a lot of fun to be with.
It is even said that he likes beautiful women
as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.
No doubt about it
Jeffrey enjoys his social life.
Hm.
Sounds like you know more than
you're letting on, Mr. President.
So lead the way, Mr. President.
As we've been told by the dumbest mother (beep)
on the planet, nobody respects women more than you do.
Do we have a clip that?
- Nobody respects women more than I do.
- Oh it was you the whole time.
You're the dumbest mother (beep) on the planet.
But if that's true, and nobody respects women
more than you do, then be the Rose McGowan
you want to see in the world.
Actually, not the one you want to see.
Because that versions probably on the younger side.
You know.
(soft music)