- I love it when emails get the basics wrong,
but get everything else right.
Today I want to show you an email from a SaaS platform,
where if they did everything correctly,
it would be decent, it might work,
but because of these tiny mistakes, the email's unreadable.
So, let's jump into it.
Here's what we're working with,
subject, "Your service management initiatives.
"Hey Jim, I'm reaching out to set up a quick call
"to discuss the service management software
"you are currently using at your company.
"Given you role at
"Ram Heating and Air Conditioning, L.L.C." (shouting)
"My assumption is that managing the day to day operations
"falls in your wheelhouse.
"In short, Primtek helps our customers
"such as Premier South Roofing and Sheet Metal
"and Montgomery Heating and Air,
"to save time and money by streamlining your--"
Okay, so I think this guy loves business names so much
and it's blinded him to the email as a concept,
and I'll show you what I mean.
Based on what I'm reading here,
every time he mentions a business name,
he thinks he has to mention it with the same capitalization
that they use and give the entire name.
Now, from a legal point of view, that might be necessary,
but in an email, it's not.
The biggest one that jumped out at me was,
"Ram Heating and Air Conditioning, L.L.C." (shouting)
But that looks like it's unclean data
when it comes to looking at his lead database,
so the solution to that is to use a tool like Power Tools,
that plugs into your Google Docs,
that will allow you to change capitals to lower case,
or will let you pull out things like, "L.L.C."
from the end of a company. So that's a data issue.
What I don't like is, "In short, Primtek
"helps our customers, such as
"Premier South Roofing and Sheet Metal,"
so let me just bold this.
"And Montgomery Heating and Air.
"We accomplish this by customizing
"our web based service management platform
"called Service And Track."
It's just too much. It's too much company.
And, the thing is, this matches exactly
the advice I've given in the past.
He's talking to a heating and air conditioning company
and he's doing exactly what we recommend.
He's pointing out other roofing
and other air conditioning companies
he's worked with in the past.
I would just shorten that a little bit.
So, let's do one quick pass
just on these company names and shorten them.
First of all, Ram Heating and Air Conditioning,
he knows he works for a place called Ram,
so I would just even write, "Ram."
If you want to just say, "Ram Heating,"
you could, but I wouldn't got much farther than that
and write, "Ram Heating and Air Conditioning."
And if I was going to write, "L.L.C."
I definitely wouldn't write, "L dot L dot C dot."
But I wouldn't do any of that, I'd just write, "Ram."
And I know you want to show off that they're
a roof company and sheet metal companies,
so I would leave one key word each.
So, Premier South Roofing and Montgomery Heating,
because if they know Premier South Roofing
or they know Montgomery Heating and Air,
they're going to know based on this name, who they are.
And if you don't know them and you Google them,
every single result says, "Montgomery Heating and Air."
This one actually says, "Montgomery Heating and Air, E."
I don't know if that was a legal thing,
or I wonder if they're spelling air wrong.
That's for another video, something about business names.
Air with an E is not a real word. It's suffix.
Millionaire, billionaire. Alright, back to the email.
And the last one is,
I know this guy loves his business names,
but I wouldn't even put, "Service And Track,"
as your business name in there.
I'd just remove that because it sounds so generic.
So, let's look at this email, rewrite it
and see what we can improve.
First, on the subject line,
"Your service management initiatives,"
I would love to see the open rates there,
but otherwise I would test a few more generic subject lines.
Just these three. So, I'd test things like,
"Hi from Kenny," "Question about Ram,"
and you can look at our subject line video
for more details on what to test there.
"Hey Jim, I'm reaching out to set up a quick call
"to discuss the service management software
"you are currently using at your company."
When you're writing your cold emails,
if you ever think that you should start any email
with the word, "I," take a step back and rewrite it.
"Came across the reviews of Ram on yelp,
"your customers have some great things to say."
That's kind of generic, you can do some research
and come up with something specific,
for instance, if you Google,
"RAM Heating and Air Conditioning, L.L.C."
you get their BBB business profile,
their Better Business Bureau profile.
Wow, look at this site, if you're in web development,
cold email the Better Business Bureau right now,
and offer to rebuild their site.
There, free lead of the day.
Wanda P, "I needed a new company for my heating
"and air conditioning in 2007.
"Ram was mentioned to me, I called, made an appointment,
"thoroughly impressed," okay.
"Came across the reviews of Ram on BBB,
loved the message from Wanda."
"Given your role at Ram, my assumption is that
"managing the day to day operations
"falls in your wheelhouse."
If that's your assumption, make that assumption,
you don't have to tell him that.
So, I wanted to check,
because he's calling out service management software,
that is niche specific,
if you Google service management software,
it's a keyword they use all the time,
so I'm assuming this customer knows what that is.
"Primtek helps our customers, such as
"Premier South Roofing and Montgomery Heating,
"to save time and money by streamlining your processes
"and catching and resolving problems immediately."
So, "Save time and money," is cliche,
"catching and resolving,"
I would remove passive voices as well in your email,
and if you write, "service problems,"
you can use this sentence.
So, this is what he really needs.
If he's going into an entrenched industry,
where all these companies are using
service management software,
then he would use a line like,
"They say we're better than other
service management software because we were built
from the ground up with heating companies in mind,"
is a good one, "because we built it based on our own
"processes over twenty years," something like that,
that would hype you up,
versus other software that they might be using.
And if they're not using software
then you're educating them,
so it depends on who the buyer is.
And, if they don't have service management software,
or most people in your area or industry don't,
then it would be something like,
"Having this info on the web is much more cost and time,"
then you can use your, "saves time and money," line.
"Having this info on the web is much more
"cost and time efficient."
I'm going to unbold these company names, by the way,
they're not that important, those are placeholder boldings.
Something like this, "Hey Jim,
"came across the reviews of Ram on BBB,
"your customers have some great things to say,
"loved the message from Wanda.
"Primtek helps companies catch and resolve
"service problems immediately,
"using our web based service management platform,
"major improvements for Premier South Roofing,
"Montgomery Heating, and others in the area.
"Having this info on the web is more
"cost and time efficient.
"Would love to learn how you do service management currently
"and run through some potential improvements
"based on our experience.
"Mind if I send over a few times for a call?
"Cheers, Kenny."
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If you run a marketing agency or digital agency,
branding, advertising, mobile app development,
custom web, anything like that,
and you need help getting higher quality enterprise clients,
or help with your cold emailing strategy,
reach out to experiment27.com
we'd love to help, thanks.