-You guys, every night -- every single night here at
"Late Night," I deliver a monologue made up of jokes
written by a diverse team of writers.
As a result, a lot of jokes come across my desk that,
due to my being a straight, White male,
would be difficult for me to deliver.
But we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them.
So we would like to share them with you now in a segment called
"Jokes Seth Can't Tell."
♪♪
Hey, everybody, these are two of our writers, Amber and Jenny.
-I'm black.
-And I'm gay.
-And we're both women.
-And I'm not.
So, here's how this is going to work.
I'll read the setups to these jokes, and then Amber and Jenny
will read the punch lines.
Here we go.
There are rumors of an upcoming collaboration
between Birkenstock and Gucci.
-Said lesbians, "Oh, fun.
Who's Gucci?"
[ Laughter ]
-February is Black History Month.
-Which means in Florida, today it's January 59th.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, but really if you live in Florida and you want to read
more about Black History Month, too bad.
[ Laughter ]
-The show "Yellowstone" recently featured its first lesbian kiss.
-In case you're wondering why your grandparents
are in the emergency room.
[ Laughter ]
-Now, Jenny, do lesbians like "Yellowstone"?
-Yes. We also like Yosemite,
the Grand Canyon and Zion National Park.
-Oh -- never mind.
[ Laughter ]
A town in Ohio recently held a gathering of Black winemakers.
-You know what they say about black wine?
It's grape soda.
[ Laughter ]
-I think I could have told that one.
[ Laughter ]
The singer Kehlani revealed in a recent interview
that she realized she was a lesbian
with the help of a Google doc.
-As opposed to me, who realized with the help of Jo
from "Facts of Life."
[ Laughter ]
Raise your hand if you get that.
Great. And then give me your number.
-Oh, no. -Jenny, no! Stop.
-No, it's fine. No, H.R. said I can do that.
-I don't think that's true. -This is fine.
-Stop it, Jennifer -This is appropriate
for me to do. Alright.
-A chef in Brooklyn recently became the first Black chef
in New York City to receive a Michelin star.
-And he wears it as an earring.
[ Laughter ]
-Two lesbians in Australia recently visited
every country in the world.
-And every country agreed.
Cargo shorts are ugly.
[ Laughter ]
-On the TV show "Finding Your Roots,"
actor Joe Manganiello recently learned he's part Black.
-And this is cool.
Now you can buy his neighbors' houses dirt cheap.
[ Laughter ]
-Amber, were you surprised to learn Joe was Black?
-Well, I saw "Magic Mike," so I had a feeling.
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, Seth, why don't you tell one?
-Oh, no, I really couldn't.
-Come on, just one.
-I just don't feel like it will end well.
-Oh, come on. Do it. -Okay, okay, okay.
In an upcoming TV series, actress Rachel Weisz will play
a pair of lesbian twins.
Coincidentally lesbian twins is what I wish for
when I blow out my candles.
[ Audience oohs ]
-Seth! -What?
-That's gross, you [bleep] weirdo.
-It's a wish. it's not real.
You wish for lesbians, two lesbians, but they're sisters.
-Well, now you're ruining it.
-And you want to see them? You want to see sisters?
-When you talk about the logic, you ruin it.
-It doesn't even make sense. -Disgusting.
-Okay. Well, great. Now my birthday's ruined.
[ Laughter ]
-What a weirdo.
-Let me try again.
I think I understand how this works now.
-This one better not be racist. -No.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Grunts ]
-Get it out.
A Black -- you're nicer than her.
That's what I like about you. -Thank you.
-Can I just say? Yeah. Thank you.
-You wouldn't turn on me if, like, this next joke,
like, crossed the line.
-No, I would never. -Thank you.
A black bear was recently spotted swimming
in a California family's pool.
So at least black bears know how to swim.
-How dare you?! [ Audience oohs ]
-What, don't be a Jenny!
-Seth, I hate your butt!
-Stop pretending like you guys don't write these for me
and then make me tell them on TV!
-We never. -What?!
-You're bullies! -We would never do that
-You are bullies!
My name is in the title of this show,
but you're running it, and it's very cruel what you do to me!
-[ Gasping ] -Thanks.
-Do you know how hard it is to be a White man in 2023?
Do you have any idea? -Oh, finally --
finally, he said it. -Do you have any idea?!
-Finally, he said it. -Oh, I'm under attack.
I'm under attack. -Oh, here we go.
Here we go. -You know what I'm gonna wish
for on my next birthday? -What?
-Two lesbians to take you outside.
[ Laughter ]
Black women and lesbians are liars.
♪♪