(upbeat music)
- Hi, welcome to another edition
of "Between Two Ferns: The Oscar Edition."
This is part two.
I would like to welcome my first guest,
Jessica Cheststain.
- Jessica Chastain.
- Jessica is an actress.
You were nominated for "Zero Dark Thirty."
- That's correct.
- "Zero Dark Thirty."
Is that a movie about Chris Brown?
- No.
- How hard did you fight
to keep all the torture in the film?
- Well, you know, it's really important
that the film is as accurate as possible, so.
- It's about capturing Bin Laden, "Zero Dark Thirty."
- Yes.
- Documentary?
- No, but you know.
- Well, who cares, then?
If it's not the real thing.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause you're just playing somebody
that actually caught him.
- Yeah.
- Would have been nice to get the actual person.
- Well, she's undercover in the CIA,
so no one can know what she looks like.
- Well, doesn't she look like you?
- I can't tell you that.
- So she looks like an average looking redhead
with a weird dress on?
- Mm.
- Oh, they're playing you off. (gentle music)
- It's done?
- Yeah, you have to leave.
- Okay.
- Hello. - Hello.
- Hi. Welcome.
- Thank you.
- This is Sally Field, everyone.
- Yes, it is.
- I had read that you had gained 25 pounds for the movie.
- Yeah, I did.
- How'd you do that? Eat Anne Hathaway?
- Hmm.
- Do you look at a penny differently
now that you've been in Lincoln?
Does that make... does that?
- I just have to say something really, really honestly.
I hate pennies.
I hate them.
- So you're not Jewish?
- Not that I know of.
I think I'm Catholic.
- Well, I'd like to thank Sally Field--
- Yes. - For coming to the show.
- Absolutely. Very nice to be here.
- And really, really, really a pleasure.
- Absolutely.
(gentle music)
- Come with me.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
- This way. You're going right this way.
- We're going this way.
- Well, I'm very, very excited about having my next guest.
It's a real pleasure to have him here
'cause he doesn't do a lot of interviews
and he's chosen to be here.
Please welcome Daniel Day-Lewis.
- Hey there. How you doing?
- What are you doing here?
Oh.
Emmanuel Day-Lewis.
Daniel Day-Lewis.
Thank you for coming by.
Welcome, Bradley Cooper.
- Hey. - Bradley.
- Good to be here.
- Nice to see you again.
- Nice to see you, Zach.
- I got your text about how bummed out you were about
that it was the start of Black History Month.
Are you nominated?
- Yeah.
- For what?
- For Best Actor.
Yeah. Best Actor.
- How's bragging camp going?
Well, I've written a... I've written a speech.
- Really?
- Since you haven't written a speech yet,
I wrote a speech.
- That's really thoughtful of you.
- Yeah, I didn't... I know you're busy.
- That's really... thank you.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, go ahead and test it out.
- When did you write this?
- Like a... I spent a couple of weeks on it.
- Thank you.
I've just called Daniel Day-Lewis
to congratulate him on his victory.
So I wish that I had been able to fulfill my dream
of being a talented, respected actor,
but the Academy chosen someone better.
It just sucks. I'm a loser.
- I can punch it up if you want me to.
In that speech, you don't win.
- You don't... you know you don't make a concession speech.
- You should.
- So I just don't understand.
It's like this is the first time in my life
that I'm actually part of something,
and you know what that means to me,
to be a part of something.
That's like my Achilles' heel.
I just want to be included.
- Well, why don't you join the Boy Scouts or something
if you want to be a part of something?
- I want to be a part of this community.
I found a fellow person that I fucking love.
I used to go see your standup all the time, and-
- It doesn't really play well.
You know what I mean?
This victim card--
- I'm not being a victim.
- Well, what are you being?
- I thought you said we're friends.
That's what friends are.
You fight with your brother.
I watch you fight with your brother all the time.
- You don't have to bring that up right now
on this internet show.
- I'm not--
God, all you fucking care about is your goddamn show, man!
- And all you care about is telling people-
- Just like all your fucking ferns, man,
it's a fucking joke.
I can't stand it.
- You threw my ferns in my face?
- Who gives a fuck?
You care more about your ferns than yourself,
you fucking...
(smash)
I'm so sick of your fucking ferns, man!
It's fucking bullshit!
Bullshit!
I'll call you later.
(upbeat music)
- That was a very strange thing.
(thud)
(upbeat music)
(elevator music)
- Hello, welcome to another edition of "Between Two Ferns".
I'm your host.
I'm your host, Zach.
My guest today is Tila Tequila.
Welcome, Tila.
- Thank you.
- You have 3.6 million friends on MySpace.
- Yes. - Who's Darrell?
- Darrell?
- I'm just kidding along with.
I'm just kidding.
- Okay.
- Maybe you and I could be friends,
and we could hang out and stuff.
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Do jet ski?
- Oh my gosh, I love jet skiing.
- It's always been my dream to jet ski around the world.
Maybe we could do that.
- Yeah, we can totally do that.
- Yeah, it's been really enlightening and amazing
to talk to you. - Thank you.
- Unfortunately, I have another guest.
- Oh, well.
I had a great time.
- Yeah, will you stick around, though?
- Oh, yeah!
- Okay, cool.
- Absolutely, thank you.
- Please welcome my next guest, Jennifer Aniston.
("Friends" theme music)
- Hi, how are you?
- Hello.
- [Jennifer] Nice to meet you.
- Nice to you.
- Can you?
- Should I... is there a?
- Can you move that over for Tila,
smooth the fern over?
- [Jennifer] This fern?
- Yeah, would you mind?
- No.
- Thank you.
- I don't mind.
Oh God, okay.
Oh, look, it's a chair.
- [Tila] Do you wanna go ahead and sit here?
- Okay. - No Problem.
- Thank you.
- Just sit there. - Thank you, Tila.
- Thanks, Tila.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, good to meet you, too.
- Thank you.
- So welcome, Jennifer.
Thanks, happy to be here.
- Tila, tell Jennifer a little bit about yourself.
- Oh, well, I sing, and I did reality shows.
It was actually I had my own reality show.
- You had a reality show?
- Yeah.
- What she would do is she'd have a lot of people
to fight over her to like maybe get in bed with her.
- How did that go?
- Sound familiar, Jennifer?
- Sorry?
Sorry?
Oh, so you're a Greek.
- Mm-hm, yeah.
- And I'm Greek.
- I know.
- And you changed your last name for show business.
- But you kept it.
You were committed to the.
- No, my name is shortened.
- It was?
- It's Galifianakisberg.
- Mm-hm.
- What stuff do you have working on, Jenny?
- Well, this movie that we're supposed to talk about,
which is "Just Go with It" with Adam Sandler.
- I've also worked with Adam Sandler, too, on a film.
- Oh really? - Yeah.
- What's he like?
- Really nice, and he's just, right?
Isn't he really funny and nice?
- Yes, one of the nicest.
- Did you guys hang out a lot, Tila?
- Yeah, absolutely.
Afterwards, we'd go hit the trailer
and snackin' a bunch of food.
(Zach laughs)
He's a lot of fun.
He's a great guy.
- That's a great story.
If you were forced to choose one state in the U.S.
to be struck with a nuclear weapon, one state,
or else, the entire country would be destroyed,
which state would you choose to annihilate?
- (laughs) I'm just not gonna do that.
- Oh, so the whole country is gonna be destroyed
by nuclear weapon.
- I don't think, well, that's not gonna happen.
- Tila, who would you?
- Rhode Island. - Rhode Island.
- Okay.
- Wait, hold on.
Go ahead.
(Speed Stick rattles props)
- Oh, geez.
- Speed Stick, deodorant for your B-O-dorant.
- That is so cute.
- Tila, you probably have had a lot of wild adventures
as far as like - Oh, yes, absolutely.
- Romance is involved.
You ever done anything like in a car or anything?
- Oh, the car.
- You know what?
I'm so sorry. I don't mean to interrupt.
- I got a blow job once on a motorcycle.
- I'm gonna let you guys finish
'cause I think you are actually,
this is unfinished business.
So why don't I come back?
I'm gonna go and hit the green room.
- Sure, we're all up for that.
- Did you get enough questions out there?
- I had another question, if you don't mind.
- Well, what?.
- No, it's for Tila.
- Yeah, you know what, Zach?
("Friends" theme music)
You're fat.
(elevator music)
(upbeat music)
- No, I'm just saying that I interviewed the president
last time and now I've gotta,
you know, go back to interviewing dumb actors.
It's all I'm saying.
No, it's fine.
It's fine, he's a big star.
(clearing throat)
Hi, welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns.
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis.
My guest today, Bradley Pitts.
Bradley Pitts, thanks for joining me.
- It's my pleasure.
- How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Zero?
I'll tell you about my,
when I lost my virginity.
- I'd would really not like to hear that.
- Showers.
Why don't you take them?
(exhales deeply)
You play a lot of people that are kind of Nazi haters,
which is weird to me.
- Why do you say that?
- Because you look like Hitler's dream.
- Huh.
Yes, I understand the conundrum of it all.
- Naked pictures of you were in Playgirl magazine
many years ago,
and I only know 'cause my dad got a subscription
for me after I graduated from junior high school.
And anyway, tell us about this movie "Furry".
- It's "Fury".
- "Fury"?
It's not "Furry"?
- No.
- When does that come out...
on DVD?
(groaning)
I got you a gift and it's,
do we have the gift?
Oh, it's right behind the fern there.
(laughing)
- Geez, I wonder what that is.
- It's a bassoon.
- I thought it was a bowling ball.
You know, I'm a--
Thank you.
You know I'm a dad now.
- That's a bassoon.
You can play 'em for your kids.
- Yeah, we don't bassoon in my house anymore.
- This is off topic just a bit.
But, do you mind if I borrow one or two of your sperms?
- Uh no, I think that would be inappropriate.
- Okay, it's just written down here.
I have to ask.
- I understand.
- After a big meal on Thanksgiving,
do you ever unbutton your pants and just sit back and go,
(slapping)
"Oh boy!"
- Don't recall doing that.
- You do a lot of charity work.
And I think that it's really great thing you do.
I was wondering if you could maybe tell us
about some of your charity work.
'Cause I also am involved in a lot of charity work myself.
- Like what?
- I work with this one group called
Doctors Without Diplomas.
So Brad, tell us about your charity work.
- Yeah, it's something I'm very proud of.
It's called the Make It Right Organization.
We started building in the lower ninth
after Hurricane Katrina,
- Hold on one second.
I have to liven this up.
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K. doing stand up.
- Hey, how's it going everybody?
Great to be here in New York
and uh
It's a crazy town.
There was a couple of rats on the subway
and I thought they were either Ebola or ISIS.
I was like, get out--
you know,
get out of here, rats.
- Thank you.
♪ Louie, Louie ♪
He looks like the reverse Benjamin Buttons, doesn't he?
'Cause he gets older and fatter.
I'm playing you off-
- Who are you talking to?
- I was talking to my good friend, and then about you.
He was in "Benjamin Buttons".
He was in it, that's why I said it.
He's in that movie. - That guy?
- Yeah.
- Who'd you play in "Benjamin Button"?
- He's Benjamin Bottoms, Buttons.
That's the guy.
You can't recognize him 'cause of the makeup stuff.
- Yeah, I was in makeup.
- I don't care.
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
- When you and Clooney get dressed up
in your tuxes together,
do you ever kind of look at each other and go,
"Aren't we a couple of dapper Dan's?"
- Never happened to my recollection.
(chewing)
(groaning)
- Is it hard for you to maintain a suntan?
- Why?
- Because you live in your wife's shadow.
'Cause I too, I had a romantic thing with someone
that was,
(coughing)
- I'm sorry.
- I had a romantic fling that
was...
- That was my last piece.
- Public and it got on my nerves,
and because she kind of out shined me.
- That was my last piece.
- I had the same thing with Condi Rice.
- Oh, really?
- Tell me what it was like the first time
that you laid eyes on Angelina.
Was it like one of those classical love stories?
Like when, I don't know,
when Ross first saw Rachel?
You know that show Friends?
Have you seen that?
♪ I'll be there for you ♪
♪ When the rain starts to ♪
- I like that song.
- Do you think people focus
maybe too much on your looks
and don't even realize that you're just a shitty actor?
(grunting)
(spitting)
- Next question.
(upbeat music)
(gentle music)
- Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis.
Welcome to "Between Two Ferns."
I'm your host, Zach Galifianakis.
With me today is Timmy Kimballs.
Jimmy, thank you for joining me here.
- Thanks for having me.
- Uh, you're a late night talk show host.
What's it like to be in the late night business?
- I mean, it's great, you know.
It's like something I always wanted to do when I was a kid.
I'd watch Letterman and it's really like a dream come true.
- You ever farted on a Cocker Spaniel?
- No. No, I can't say that I have.
- Do you want a beer?
- Seemed like that one was open.
Thanks. - Maybe loosen up
a little bit.
- It's nice and warm. Just the way I like it.
- Bet you can't do that on your show.
- I, yeah, I could, I mean,
there's no rule against it.
I just, it's not something I would do.
- Your girlfriend is Sarah Silverman. What's that like?
- People always ask,
"Do you guys just crack each other up all the time?"
and that, you know, that gets tiring.
- You and Sarah, Sarah being a comedian,
do you guys always crack each other up at home and stuff?
(Jimmy scoffs) I like to, uh,
go to Long John Silver's
and be shocked at how much the prices are.
And then just look at the cashier and go,
"Only in New York."
- Heh. - You and Sarah
could do something like that. - Yeah.
Well, she doesn't like fish.
What? - I know what that means.
- What? - (chuckles) Yeah.
That's good, man.
Doesn't like fish.
The Ben Affleck thing that you did-
- The what? - Ben Affleck.
- Oh, Ben Affleck?
- How close did you get to, um, Ben Affleck's lips?
- I, (chuckles) I got pretty close to them.
- Did you ever do takes where you're closer to his lips?
- Than the ones that were on the video?
- Yeah, like in the rehearsals and stuff.
- No. - You got girl lips.
- (chuckles) Thank you. - Yeah, you're welcome.
Ah, we got to have a, sorry,
we have to have a word from our, our sponsor.
- Hi, I'm Barry, of Barry's Bananas.
Bananas so good, other bananas enjoy them.
- Sorry. - Our bananas
are so delicious,
I guarantee you'll peel them apart.
- Enough! Enough!
(stammers) This isn't between two bananas.
But, I mean, going on and on about banana stuff is...
Do you like bananas? - Hmm?
(gentle music)