Welcome to The Daily Show.
I'm Chelsea Handler.
[cheers and applause]
This is where I get to spend a week
talking shit about all the wack jobs and hot messes out there.
But I do it sitting behind a desk
because I'm a professional.
[cheers and applause]
There's a lot of exciting news that
transpired over the weekend, and I'm also on ecstasy.
So let's get this party started.
[music playing]
OK.
Let's kick things off with the big story
that burst into the news over the weekend.
Someone in China had a big birthday party
and lost one of their balloons.
Another major story this morning,
the ongoing drama surrounding that Chinese spy
balloon shot down off the South Carolina coast this weekend.
As Navy divers search for debris,
this video shows what appears to be
part of the balloon being brought back to shore Sunday.
The balloon with a payload the size of three buses,
first entered US airspace over the Aleutian Islands
last Tuesday.
It moved to Canada, re-entering US airspace over Idaho.
Once the balloon reached the Atlantic coast,
it was shot down with a single sidewinder missile
from an F-22 fighter jet.
MAN 1: We got it.
MAN 2: Boom!
MAN 3: Whoa!
I ordered the Pentagon to shoot it down on Wednesday
as soon as possible.
They decided that the best time to do
that was it got over water.
[audience laughs]
Wow.
Joe Biden really likes giving that announcement.
He hopped off his big, strong plane,
and he walked over with his aviator sunglasses.
Looking like a real tough guy popping a balloon.
Given off some serious Top Gun Maverick vibes.
The straight kind.
Honestly, though, poor Joe Biden.
Obama got to order the assassination of Bin Laden,
and all he gets to do is murder a bag of helium.
And as you heard, this balloon was the size of three buses.
I love measuring things in buses.
And for the rich people out there
who don't know what a bus is, they're
those big yellow vehicles that bring Matt
Gaetz's girlfriends to school.
[cheers and applause]
So the balloon went over Alaska,
and then it went through Canada,
and then into US airspace.
And by the way, Canada, thanks for the heads up on that.
Canada saw the balloon, and they were like, oh, look,
one of those Chinese lanterns.
And I hope that balloon wasn't spying on Canada
because there is nothing suspicious going on there.
Unless you want aerial shots of moose
getting each other from behind, you can move on.
[audience laughs]
And as usual, America went haywire
and brought out way too much firepower to address
this problem.
They brought two fighter jets and shot
a missile through a balloon.
Was that really necessary?
Couldn't we have just hired another hot air balloon
to float by and shoot it with a BB gun
or just waited for it to get stuck in a ceiling fan?
Do we really need the fighter jets
to turn this thing into the world status used condom?
But hey, why not shoot it when you have $1 trillion
defense budget and all these rock
hard missiles lying around?
Trump must be so jealous.
What I don't get is why does China
even need to send this balloon in the first place?
They're already spying on us with TikTok.
Is it possible that the Chinese spies became the first people
ever to get sick of TikTok?
Were they like, I swear to God, if I see one more basic bitch
make lasagna in a slow cooker.
[audience laughs]
[cheers and applause]
And by the way, China, if you're listening, which you
obviously are, next time, why don't you
make your balloon the color blue
so we can't see it in the sky?
Or if you're going to make it white,
at least write the moon on it.
No one here will know the difference.
I certainly won't.
In other exciting news, Marjorie Taylor Greene, a.k.a.
Capitol Storming Barbie, hates her job,
which is so funny because the rest of us
also hate her having her job.
Becoming a member of Congress has made my life miserable.
The nature of this job, it keeps members of Congress
and senators in Washington so much of the time,
too much of the time, to be honest with you,
that we don't get to go home and spend more
time with our families, our friends, all in our district
or maybe just be regular people.
Because this job is so demanding
and it's turned in to practically year round.
[audience laughs]
First of all, you're not a regular person, you moron!
You're a congressperson because you
campaigned and somehow won, which requires
you to work year round.
I also don't want to work year round, and that's why I don't.
[cheers and applause]
To quote Kim Kay for a second, get
your [bleep] ass up and work!
[cheers and applause]
The point is, if you don't like being in Congress,
then go work at Foot Locker, bitch.
But that's not even the worst part of what she said.
This is.
I have people come up to me and say crazy things to me out
of the blue in public places that they believe because they
read it on the internet.
[audience laughs]
Well, if that's not the pot calling the kettle QAnnon.
[cheers and applause]
This woman thought 9/11 was a hoax,
that the Clintons killed JFK Jr,
and that Jews are in charge of space lasers.
But please, don't come at her with some crazy ideas,
she might believe them.
Anyway, ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo, moving along.
Luckily for MTG, we can't spend the whole entire show talking
about her because she has a coworker
who is even more unstable.
I'm talking about the broke millionaire,
half Black gay, Jewish volleyball star
drag queen Jorge Santos.
[cheers and applause]
Believe it or not, his resume keeps growing.
Just this week he's been accused of groping an aide.
And I will say, this is the first thing
about him that makes him sound like he
does belong in Congress.
Things are really starting to click for him.
But before we could even let that sink in,
we got hit with this other crazy lie.
REPORTER 1: Meanwhile, Jeorge Santos
was also a Broadway producer, at least
that's what the embattled lawmaker allegedly
told potential donors when he was
running for office in 2021.
Bloomberg reports Santos told supporters
that he was a producer on the short lived
Broadway production Spider-Man, Turn Off The Dark.
The Office of the play's producer
confirmed that Santos did not work on it.
The play only ran for a short time
and was plagued with technical issues and actor injuries.
It lost millions of dollars during its run
and frankly a curious choice for Santos to lie about.
A spokesman for the show said, quote,
"of all the tribulations the producers of Spider-Man,
Turn Off The Dark had to endure,
we are very pleased proud and relieved to report
that working with Jeorge Santos is not one of them."
[cheers and applause]
I do not get this dude.
How could he lie so much and not get better at lying?
Why would you pick the most embarrassing
Broadway show to lie about?
That's like saying, you heard of the Titanic?
I was the captain.
But maybe this guy is smarter than he looks.
Because each new scandal makes you forget about the last one.
I've already forgotten that he stole money from a dead dog.
That's right.
You heard me.
He stole from a dog and then ghosted that dog.
Who ghosts a dog?
We've only known this guy for like five weeks.
How are we already on season 19 of his scandals?
I feel like I need to put his scandals to like,
oh, we didn't start the fire so I can remember them.
9/11, volleyball, Spider-Man, dead dog.
[cheers and applause]
And finally, some good news for all the people who
have been waiting for the world to end.
This weekend, we almost got there.
And now, to the other big story.
We are following the dangerous Arctic blast that is smashing
records across the Northeast.
Many spots haven't felt temperatures
this brutally cold in decades.
REPORTER 2: Windchills in Portland reaching minus 45.
And in Boston, 39 below, uncharted
territory for both cities.
The once in a generation cold reaching the peak
of nearby Mount Washington, where it felt
like a jaw dropping minus 108.
REPORTER 2: Meteorologist Francis Tarasiewicz measures
conditions outside every hour.
FRANCIS TARASIEWICZ: Before I really knew, it was going on.
My legs seem to have been knocked
out from underneath me.
And I was on the ground.
REPORTER 3: The Mount Washington
Observatory's live stream showed the intense conditions.
NASA says the top of the mountain
was slightly colder than the average on Mars.
I don't understand what colder than Mars means.
Use a reference that ordinary Americans can understand.
Was it colder than three buses?
[cheers and applause]
I hope it's not so cold that Elon
Musk won't be able to masturbate when he gets there.
For more on this extreme weather,
let's go live to Mount Washington, where
Dulce Sloan is on location.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Absolutely not.
I'm in my bed.
But you were supposed to report
on the record low temperatures in New Hampshire.
Listen, white lady, you got the wrong one, OK?
You needed me to go to a mountaintop
to tell you that negative 108 degrees is cold?
You know how I knew it was cold outside?
Because the Uber Eats man told me it was cold.
And that's all I need to know.
Well, how are you supposed to report on the wind
if you're in bed?
You need to be outside.
No, ma'am.
Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.
I know your tricks.
OK.
The only reason anybody wants a reporter out
in this kind of weather is to watch
them fall and laugh at them.
Nope, nope.
You're not slick.
I can't fall down if I'm laying down.
Ha!
Check mate!
[cheers and applause]
You really think as a woman I would put another woman
in that situation?
Bitch, I know you.
I give you the benefit of the doubt.
Next thing I know, I'm falling off a mountain
like a frozen Mufasa.
Ha!
If you want to report on a cold,
you go outside, blind lady.
You look like you can handle it.
You look like that bitch for frozen anyway.
[audience laughs]
But I have to be here at the desk.
You hear this woman?
She says you got to be at the desk.
Who are you talking to?
None of your business.
I'm not at work.
But you-- are at work.
Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.
There's too much shit going on outside, OK.
Fires, floods, balloon parts falling
from the sky like a bad porno.
I'm an inside reporter now.
OK, look, there's plenty of-- there's
plenty to report on here.
It's 71 degrees.
I'm watching Scandal on Netflix,
and we're seeing a massive pile up of dishes in the sink,
which is not my fault!
I can't do the dishes.
I'm at work.
Dulce, you're putting me in a bad spot here.
I was hoping for some or any reporting on Mount Washington.
Oh, don't worry.
Listen, listen.
I'm a professional, OK.
Listen, I can get you a report on Mount Washington.
I got my sources right here.
Let's see, you know, my Uber Eats driver.
I sent him there to get the scoop.
I will message him now.
What's up with that mountain?
Is it cold as shit?
Oh, he sent me a video.
Ha, ha, ha!
He fell down.
[laughs] Oh, I love when it happens.
Because I'll tell you what, it won't be me, bitch.
[laughs]
[cheers and applause]
Thanks for nothing, Dulce.
You're welcome.
Dulce Sloan, everybody.
[cheers and applause]