- We learned this the hard way.
"I don't figure out why they just aren't listening
to me," and it's like,
"Well, 'cause they didn't ask for you,
"they probably don't like you,
"and a whole host of other things that they're"--
- A list.
Like (laughs).
(electronic music)
- [Woman] Kids tend to determine how fast a family blends.
Three, two, one. (soft dinging)
- I would say hearing that, at first I'd be like yes,
but I remember back, what I've always heard Pastor Greg
say is that everything rises and falls with leadership.
While I agree that kids necessarily in a situation
that they did not ask for,
but we can have much more ownership in that.
- Well, we had heard a resource once time mention
that kids are typically six to 12 months behind the parents
being ready to date again, and talk about future,
and moving forward, and so if you take
that into consideration, not only just with marriage,
but with dating altogether,
and the kids being kinda thrown into situations
that they aren't ready for,
and that grieving looks different any way.
They're already grieving the loss of one situation,
and then grieving the loss
of what this new situation also means.
- [Woman] My kids never have difficult behavior
on transition day, their first day back
from their other home.
Three, two, one.
(soft dinging)
- Transition days were really hard for us
until we realized what they were.
'Cause in the beginning we didn't know
what a transition day was.
We just thought, "Why are the kids acting crazy
"when they're coming back?"
Then once we learned it and learned
what it was, we didn't schedule a lot of things
on those days, we would try to have a down day.
Let everybody relax, because we don't know
how much go, go, go was at the other house.
And if they're go, go, go, and then come to our house,
and then we're go, go, go,
those kids don't have any downtime.
- [Woman] A new stepparent should immediately
have the same parenting authority as a biological parent.
Three, two, one. (soft dinging)
(chuckling)
- [Erica] Sure about that answer? (laughs)
(everyone laughs)
- I can just say through different scenarios
we learned this the hard way and have actually
even walked with other families who are,
"I don't figure out why they just aren't listening to me,"
and it's like,
"Well, 'cause they didn't ask for you,
"they probably don't like you,
"and a whole host of other things that they're thinking."
- A list.
Like (laughs).
- But yeah, you have to get that permission,
it's not like a random schoolteacher.
Like, "It's the first day of school!"
- It's a relationship you build, yeah.
- I think this is one of the biggest areas
you can't have a cookie cutter answer.
With our kids, each one of 'em is different,
and how she can address
one of my bio kids versus the other one,
that's totally different.
But the biggest thing I can say is have the united front.
- Something we started after some things didn't go so well
with discipline, was we would both
be present for the conversation.
But he would take lead on it, but I was there,
so, I mean, they knew that we were together,
and we were addressing it together,
but he did most of the talking,
And then at the very end, he would turn to me
and say, "Is there anything you would like to add?"
So that was a really cool way for him
to communicate, you know, that we are a united front,
and that we're doing this together,
but with respect to the bio blood role that was happening.
- I'm the softer one, he's the tougher one
when it comes down to delivering discipline. (laughs)
So there were times I needed backup,
but I still had to be the one
that really put the foot forward.
And a lot of things that he did, too, with her
was just listening.
A lot of listening.
Too often, parents tell kids,
"That's enough, can you be quiet for now?
"Stop talking,"
Just last night, I was at a point
where she was talkin' my ear off,
but one thing he's never done
is he's always what's ever important
to her is important to him.
Even if it was the silliest thing,
the silliest five year old thing,
up to the silliest fifteen year old thing.
If it was important to her, it was important to him.
- [Woman] Fill the blank.
The most important thing a kid in a blended family
needs to know is.
- It's not your fault.
- I would say that they need to know
that they're safe.
- I'd say loved.
- Loved? - Loved.
- I go back to the word secure.
- I'd say they need to know it's okay.
I think sometimes you just have to tell them that
over and over again.
It's okay that there are probably times you wish
that both your parents were back together again,
and that's okay.
It's okay that's probably not going to happen,
and it's okay that you can miss your dad
or you can miss your mom.
That's okay.
I just think that we need to reinforce to them
that it's going to be okay,
and it's okay that they can feel however they choose
to feel in the moment 'cause they're their feelings,
and God gave them for them for a reason.
They shouldn't try to hold those back or keep them
to themselves because there's too much at stake
for this to not be okay.
- [Woman] Thank you so much for sharing.
That's it!
- Yay!
- All right then!
Come on, guys!
(everyone laughing)
(slow music)
- Look at that.
- That's a lot of memories.
- Oh my gosh.
- That's when she was born.
I had cornrows.
- Yeah!
I think this was one of your first concerts.
Either this one or that one.
- Think her hair's a different color in every picture.
Baptism, I forgot her hair was red then.
You see all these different transformations
and all these different seasons
of parenting
and growth, relationships.
Just glad we were able to spend
and find something holy time.
I remember that day, I remember they were getting married.
I remember making a promise to Adriana to like,
always love and care for her,
and to do my best to protect her,
I think that was a special moment, too.
What seems like what happened overnight,
actually, as I look back at all these pictures,
I realize
it took time.
Like, I remember the seasons of like having to earn,
in her mind, the right to parent her
in a way that actually felt like I was her dad
and not just an adult who could make decisions.
- I had to relinquish a lot of
control.
I brought her into this world on my own,
it's just she and I,
and I was in control.
And then when the dynamic changed,
and bio dad was no longer in the picture,
as she was beginning to trust and the relationship
was being built, stepping into that role of dad,
I had to remember that I'm not doing this alone anymore.
I think what I really had to learn,
and we've had this conversation,
is I had to stop punishing you for the things
that had happened to me,
and had to stop punishing you for the things
that had happened to her,
and be living in this fear
that something was gonna go wrong again.
That was a huge aha moment for me.
- We had to decide and establish together
what was going to be okay, what wasn't going to be okay--
- Ground rules for raising her as she got older.
- And what was the end goal that we wanted to see,
and while we might not always agreed
on particular things she did in the moment,
I think we've always, once we came to that point
we agreed on like, what kind of daughter
we wanted to raise.
We wanted to raise a leader, that we wanted to raise
someone that would stand bold in her faith for Christ,
we wanted to raise someone
that would be caring, loving, and compassionate.
- I think we've done well.
- I would say we've done well.
- [Man] Would you like to hear what she thinks?
- Okay, yes. (laughs)
- Hey, guys!
I just wanted to take this moment
and tell you just how much I appreciate you guys
and everything you have done in my life.
You guys are constantly there,
showing me grace, in every situation,
and letting it be known that I'm loved
no matter what happens.
Dad, you taking me on road trips, honestly,
my favorite part of any trip we've ever taken together
has been just getting to spend the time with you.
Dad, I know that no matter
what I say or do,
you're not gonna love me any less.
There were times where I would say things
like, "You're not even my dad,
"you're not my real dad."
And thinking about that now,
you know, you are my real dad.
You sacrificed, you've fought, and you decided
that I was gonna have your last name,
and I mean, why do you think I go by it?
I've by Parker for five years because of you.
You guys have taught me
almost my whole life
that God shows His love by showing grace
and even when we go against him,
He still has the same amount of love for us.
I honestly see the same thing with you guys.
- All right, now. (chuckles)
- What do you do with that? (Melissa laughs)
- Oh my gosh!
- You okay?
Oh!
(everyone laughs)
- Hi!
- Hey.
Love you.
- Love you.
- Trying to make me cry.
(Melissa laughs)
- That's fine.
Go get your mother.
- I mean, yeah, it always works for me.
We didn't screw you up!
- Surprisingly. (laughs)
- I mean, hey, it was touch and go sometimes, yeah.
Very proud of you.
- Aw, thanks.
I'm proud of you guys.
(Melissa laughs)
- Killing me here. (laughs)
- I love our family.
I love you guys.
This is awesome.
This is a special moment for me.
- Trying to not step on the light. (Melissa laughs)
(giggling)
(soft music)